expulsion

Word vomit. Faster than my fingers can type. More syllables than can tumble through my lips. I've throw everything at you, all at once. One giant torrent that has no end, spinning in circles, effortless. I am filterless. I am senseless. 

My thoughts trying to paint pictures but the scenes are incomprehensible to the world.  Drowning or suffocating, I cannot distinguish between the two; they are both the same. I wait for you to rescue me. Yet, you walk away, cowering around any corner that can be found, silent. 

You wanted to know me. You wanted to reconnect. I am more than you were dreaming of, anticipating, expecting. Nothing of moderation. 

I am left standing, shadowless. 

I would go, but I would take too much.

seeing what i see

Dear stranger coming out of the court house annex, I realize I look horrible at the moment, two black eyes, a broken nose, but thanks for trying to pick me up anyway. Thank you also for the compliment about being pretty, but I am not fooled, this is not a pretty face. 

Dear stranger #2 this morning who stopped his bike ride to chat with me for no apparant reason, thank you also for seeing something that I cannot see. A beautiful woman walking down the street, you say. 

I am confused. There is no beauty, only reckless abandon. A soul crushed by love.

mystery unveiled

It was only magical because I was clouded by fantasy.
When reality hit, I was lost for what to do.

Here's to picking myself up. Again.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

toxic

Sitting at the bar.
Alone.
Miserable.
Drinking until life stops replaying through my head.
Drinking until your bullshit stops throbbing in my temples.
Drinking until I don't feel those few moments where you are magical.
Drinking until the tears dissipate.
I'm almost there -

Then stumbling home, and wishing tomorrow would never come.

From one loser to the next.
Why not.
It suits me.



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fears

I used to believe my greatest fear in life would always be looking back with my last breath and realizing that I was always the same everyday of my life.

In response to that fear, I push myself to change daily, to be exciting.

Now the thought is creeping in, what if in my last moments, I look back and realize that in all this changing, I still never discover the 'me' that I can be happy with?




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Location:Soul Searching

consider

In his lifeform, the individual is obviously only a fraction and therefor necessarily a distortion of totality of Man. He is limited or "locked" into a gender of either male or female; and, at any given period of his life, he is again "fixed in the moment of his experience" as either child, youth, middle-aged, mature, or old; furthermore, in his archetypal role, he is either warrior, priest, thief, slave, king (or she - nun, mother, wife, seductress, whore). Hence, the fullness - the totality of man - is not to be found in its individual member, but in Mankind as a whole. Likewise, the essence - the nature of a man - is not to be discerned from an individual act, but in his conduct as a whole.
Consider.

never

I want to walk into traffic.
Disappear on the horizon.
Fade into the background.
Leave no trace of an existence.
Wither into nothingness.
I'll hold my breath and wait for[n]ever.
You will just move on.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:no where safe