expulsion

Word vomit. Faster than my fingers can type. More syllables than can tumble through my lips. I've throw everything at you, all at once. One giant torrent that has no end, spinning in circles, effortless. I am filterless. I am senseless. 

My thoughts trying to paint pictures but the scenes are incomprehensible to the world.  Drowning or suffocating, I cannot distinguish between the two; they are both the same. I wait for you to rescue me. Yet, you walk away, cowering around any corner that can be found, silent. 

You wanted to know me. You wanted to reconnect. I am more than you were dreaming of, anticipating, expecting. Nothing of moderation. 

I am left standing, shadowless. 

I would go, but I would take too much.

seeing what i see

Dear stranger coming out of the court house annex, I realize I look horrible at the moment, two black eyes, a broken nose, but thanks for trying to pick me up anyway. Thank you also for the compliment about being pretty, but I am not fooled, this is not a pretty face. 

Dear stranger #2 this morning who stopped his bike ride to chat with me for no apparant reason, thank you also for seeing something that I cannot see. A beautiful woman walking down the street, you say. 

I am confused. There is no beauty, only reckless abandon. A soul crushed by love.

mystery unveiled

It was only magical because I was clouded by fantasy.
When reality hit, I was lost for what to do.

Here's to picking myself up. Again.


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toxic

Sitting at the bar.
Alone.
Miserable.
Drinking until life stops replaying through my head.
Drinking until your bullshit stops throbbing in my temples.
Drinking until I don't feel those few moments where you are magical.
Drinking until the tears dissipate.
I'm almost there -

Then stumbling home, and wishing tomorrow would never come.

From one loser to the next.
Why not.
It suits me.



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fears

I used to believe my greatest fear in life would always be looking back with my last breath and realizing that I was always the same everyday of my life.

In response to that fear, I push myself to change daily, to be exciting.

Now the thought is creeping in, what if in my last moments, I look back and realize that in all this changing, I still never discover the 'me' that I can be happy with?




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Location:Soul Searching

consider

In his lifeform, the individual is obviously only a fraction and therefor necessarily a distortion of totality of Man. He is limited or "locked" into a gender of either male or female; and, at any given period of his life, he is again "fixed in the moment of his experience" as either child, youth, middle-aged, mature, or old; furthermore, in his archetypal role, he is either warrior, priest, thief, slave, king (or she - nun, mother, wife, seductress, whore). Hence, the fullness - the totality of man - is not to be found in its individual member, but in Mankind as a whole. Likewise, the essence - the nature of a man - is not to be discerned from an individual act, but in his conduct as a whole.
Consider.

never

I want to walk into traffic.
Disappear on the horizon.
Fade into the background.
Leave no trace of an existence.
Wither into nothingness.
I'll hold my breath and wait for[n]ever.
You will just move on.




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Location:no where safe

shouldn't be

Lying shouldn't come so easy to you.
Dealing with it shouldn't come so easy to me.
Your lack of emotion with which you feed your untruths to me unveils my lack of emotion in return.
The equation stays in balance, although balanced on an unruly edge, likely to teeter in any direction.
And this is where our lives stay.
And this is why...

Non vuole essere la vostra

inertia

Shattered.
Suffocating.
Lifeless and dull.
Motionless.
Unbearable.
These words say it all.

Location:emotionless

opaque

Sometimes
I want to ask
How do you see me?
What's your view?









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Location:lost

the stage

Do you know there is a stage
A stage where people play
A stage where unwritten acts unfold
A place for ironies to duplicate and crash into expectations
A place for dreams to wither away; where solitude engulfs the most enigmatic of characters and makes mockery of our charades.
Do you know...

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silent

Everything around us stands still.
Everything between us fights for a breath.
Your words flung heavily at my silent figure.
My tears held at bay by memories of countless years.
Nothing slips past my lips; not a sketch of air nor a hint of sound.
There is nothing worth being said; nothing that you don't already know.
Heaviness within suffocates all thought while hope stumbles blindly into the darkness.
The shouting in my head and heart fall silent.
Deafening silence.







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Location:forever quiet

incongruent

Peculiar,
The relationships we form throughout life.
Even more peculiar,
The relentless, incongruent lies that slip endlessly past lovers' lips.
Pointlessly,
Peculiar.










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crashing

Crashing in slow motion
Can you see the coming wall?
Crashing in slow motion
Crumbling beneath it all

Crashing in slow motion
Holding onto hope
Crashing in slow motion
Drowning in despair

There's a moment of clarity
When time sits still and waits
The collision that is coming
Causes the very earth to quake

When weightless fears rides hardy
And destruction rears her head
Everything comes tumbling
Crashing in slow motion



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blurred

lost
never quite found
lost from myself
lost from others
traipsing along
edges blurred
the fine line gone
the big picture hazes
the moment slips by
a hesitation
a bold move
a fuzzy view
slipping




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Location:reflections of life

somewhere

A million empty spaces,
soon filled with empty faces.
Do you hear them call her name?
She sits still and
she stays silent,
eventually they fade.
Her heart beat softens,
it all swims away.

Oh there's a pretty girl somewhere,
hiding from fame.
There's a pretty name awaiting,
it all sounds the same.
Around some mystic corner,
she falls to her knees,
crying to be heard and
wanting to be seen.


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take two

I had quit taking any at all. I mean really, what good does it do?

I have such trouble sleeping at night, sleeping at all. Why would it be so difficult?

A darkened picture; a darkened night. I took two, but it won't make a difference.

In the morning I'll wake up. Breathing regular and heart beating just right.








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Location:my bed

July 6, 2010

a little bit for spite
a little bit for fun

everything for love

just to show it can be done

everything at once

Tell me that I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm right. Tell me something other than the conclusion that I've jumped to. Tell me that I jumped too soon, or that I never jumped at all.

Give me answer to questions unasked. Keep your secrets to yourself. Honesty requires no secrets. Let your words pour out like rain from the heavy clouds.

Hold me tightly against the storm. Stay out of my thoughts. Let my inevitable devestation take place. I'll stand back and watch yours. Unable to do anything, I'll try everything.


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off balance

There's a part of me that knows no fight.
There's a part of me that tries.
There's a part of me that never wins.
There's a part of me that hides.

There are pieces of me that never die.
There are pieces of me that were never alive.
There are pieces of me consumed by life.
There are pieces of me plagued by insecurities.


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