Sunday, January 3, 2010

remembering love




My daughter made this Christmas tree for me. She plucked the nub of a branch, hand cut ornaments, and fashioned a stand to hold the creation upright. It's moments like this that burst my heart with love.

My middle son asked me again this visit, "Why only two days mom? Why can't it be more?"

At 5 he just started kindergarten this year. He's at the top of his class, as is his older brother. I cannot be more proud of them. But like me, they think to much, and it causes too much pain.
"Why do you move to so many houses mom?"
Because I'm trying to find the one that fits me.
"Why don't you get a different job mom? So you can be closer?"
Because right at this moment I cannot find one that will pay me enough ... but one day I will.

Promise me, my children, that while no one else understands the sacrifices I've made, that someday you will look back and maybe just catch a glimpse. Just that much of an understanding. We think enough alike, you are capable of that.

XOXO

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, January 2, 2010

simplicity

Just a few random updates and observations as of late...

Side walks are extremely icy this time of year. Especially on a bicycle. The thing slid right out from under me today, thus I have a nice bruise on my left hip and a slightly stiff back.

I have a serious aversion to having hair anywhere on my body, except my head. I wax and pluck everything except my eyebrows, but I simply have too few of those already. It's a good thing I don't grow hair on my legs or I'd be a wreck. You don't know how much time I pass by plucking and waxing - definitely border line OCD. On the bright side, it keeps me inside and not out fluttering into trouble quite as often.

In October, with the help of some friends, I moved out of the Addams family home so that I wouldn't end up in jail as a victim of circumstance. I find my new home environment extremely peaceful even though life continues to fall down around me. April has even come over just to sit and chat; which she hasn't done at my home since I moved to Fort Wayne over 3 years ago.

My foot that I broke wayyy back in September via skateboarding is finally on the mend, I do believe. I quit wearing my big honking boot last weekend after purchasing a new pair of sneakers (bargain price of $9 - go me!). I can nearly walk without a limp as long as my other knee isn't out of place, as it sometimes tends to do. I'm excited for softball this Spring, even though I anticipate having to wear my knee brace along with an ankle brace this year. Getting old is rough. And NO - that is NOT an indication that I should be slowing down. Don't hold your breath on that one!

April and I stumbled upon a fine artist of hula hoops, so until I'm back into full force on the mobilty avenue, I'll be squiggling around with a large plastic ring twirling about. Can't wait!

I believe I'm suffering from withdrawal on the lack of audial pleasure that my ears have gone through in recent months. While I have stumbled across some new talent and had the pleasure of hearing some old favorites now and again, it seems far too few in between exaggeratigly long dry spells. The weather needs to break so I can pick up the pace!

The romance front remains ever dismal. I was yelled at last week for being honest about a friends with benefits situation to guy that I've been disgustedly in love with for months but haven't seen since July. Pathetically enough, I've turned down many dates and random offers as I sat waiting for him while he fills my head with empty promises - but only when he's not seeing someone else. He's on his 4th girlfriend in 6 months, yet I'm the gooney for finally giving in to the call of nature and aquiring a steady buddy and having the balls to be honest about it? Ummm, no. Buh-bye. Mind fucking session = over with. I'm not here to stroke someone's ego while my own becomes crushed day by day. I had too little to begin with.

Yeah, I still have several calling and texting me, but I've gotta be selfish and focus on my life for a little while. I've got a lot going on.

I still have not re-instated my drivers license since losing it in August. I'm weighing the pro's and con's continually day by day, and thus far it has made more sense to forgo the exorbitant cost that it will require of me.

Hmmm, I seem to have written more than I had planned tonight. Later this week I want to write a "bucket list" for this year ... and take a more in depth look at my scattered dating life. It's in serious need of review!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, January 1, 2010

left behind

This time, I made the err in judgement. This time, I wanted to believe.

I did not fall.
I JUMPED. As I sometimes do. While I did not stick the landing, and I do not walk away unscathed, I will be the one walking away.

There may have been a stumble in the first few awkward steps.
There may have been a pause while I turned to glance around.
There may have been hesitation in leaving you behind.

But I will walk away. I will watch my step. And you will be left behind.

Mark these words as you never listened to another before.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

exasperation

* Wait, Miss-I-Don’t-Fall-For-Guys is hooked up on someone? How did this happen??!!

* I don’t have any idea. If I knew how, I’d surely undo it.

* What makes him so different than any other guy out there?

* I DON’T KNOW. I don’t understand it at all. That’s an unanswerable question. That’s like asking what makes me so different from any other woman out there. Why are you always so stuck on me?

* When you looked at me and said “Where you happen to live right now does not define who you are” I knew right then you were different from other girls. You didn’t do a u-turn to drop me back off at the shelter. And then seeing you in that black fur coat with your blonde hair all curled up … yeah that really did it for me.

* Ok smarty, that’s enough.

* So, this guy, he’s just like an average Joe?

* No. He’s a spectacular loser. Why else would I have fallen?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

replaced




Nights of solitude interrupt the thoughts of you
A body lying next to mine
Warmth spreading fire but cannot touch my soul
A death occured, unnoticed
A time long gone leads to something more
Not seeking comfort in tranquility
A moments peace walks out thru the door
Leaving me alone
Thoughts cascading through this heart of mine
Replacing him for you

A moments hesitation left behind and cast aside
Two entities now one combined
Night's rough passion then ignites the flame
Burning me alive
The flirting of my heart's desire left unchecked
Lying rugged on the floor
But do you see or do you care now
The bitter pieces thrown about
Daylight comes and I am gone again
Replacing you for him

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

below the surface




below the surface
resting in peaceful slumber
where night's soft breeze
releases tensions taught with heat

below the surface
calm and cool and sweet
melodies of thoughts run wild
pleasant moments overflowing in dreams

below the sirface
memories whisper by like clouds
fluttering to and fro
stumbling through darkness in silence

below the surface
departed from all sorrows
left behind the agony of loving
unconditionally alone, forever

that's where I'll be
when you come to look for me
...
Below the surface.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, December 12, 2009

almost ordinary

Why do you always try to kiss me?
*
Because you never try to kiss me.
*
Don't you think that indicates something? Why do you keep trying?
*
Because I'm attracted to you.
*
Do you go around trying to kiss every woman your attracted to? And you've had first hand experience at seeing how messed up I am. Stop trying.
*
Some of the best pieces of art that I've seen are just random messes thrown together. The beauty lies in the flaws, characteristics, and uniqueness of each piece. Beauty is not perfection.
*
I don't want to be beautiful. Or perfect. I simply want to be ... not a wreck.