Moments flutter by unnoticed.
Tomorrows slip away forgotten.
Amidst it all, I wander carelessly from reality to fantasy.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
The Tao of unsaying
8 years ago
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
uncontrollable
Stop wanting so much from me.
*You never want enough*
Stop ignoring me.
*You call me too much *
<< is there a line >>
You're correct, these things do not need to be said. I have no one to say them to. I say them to myself -- to get rid of them.
I would not be this way otherwise [would there be any other way]. Answers that I don't have. Questions that are not asked. Words that drip echoes from my lips. Gliding into oblivion on secret pirate ships.
Leave me lost at sea. Drifting into solitude.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
*You never want enough*
Stop ignoring me.
*You call me too much *
<< is there a line >>
You're correct, these things do not need to be said. I have no one to say them to. I say them to myself -- to get rid of them.
I would not be this way otherwise [would there be any other way]. Answers that I don't have. Questions that are not asked. Words that drip echoes from my lips. Gliding into oblivion on secret pirate ships.
Leave me lost at sea. Drifting into solitude.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:from the depths
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
vulnerable
Come chase me from your dream. Wrap my vulnerability up in your pretty little package with the frilly pink bow. Send it off on the overnight express, leaving the return address blank. Wake me up from my nightmares with your kiss as sweet as poison. The hard cold steel of reality pressed tightly to my temple. Your finger jumps on the trigger, anxious for release. Being in love with you came so easily, like inhaling night's soft scents. Allowing hope to linger on. Dragging inevitability to new heights. Innocence could not exist in your overwhelming presence. Petite fairies dancing harmlessly above tall grass as I try to crawl away with dignity. Rescued by the harsh light of day when thoughts of you seemingly cease to exist. Found again each evening as I lay defeated on the ground. Come rescue me. My dreams or yours, either will find my fate.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Owensboro, KY
Monday, February 15, 2010
the sum
The map of the whole,
splintered into parts,
never equaling the sum.
Always greater.
Always less.
Never quite enough;
forever too much
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
splintered into parts,
never equaling the sum.
Always greater.
Always less.
Never quite enough;
forever too much
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
drowning in thoughts
Bodies
Hard against each other
Wanting
Pressing
On fire
It only bothers me when I think about it.
Lovers
Strangers
A dance through the forest trees
Burning gaze upon the night
It only bothers me when I think about you.
Explosions
Exclamations
The song that doesn't get sung
The whispers that don't exist
False
It only bothers me when I'm thinking of you.
Muffled shrieks
Pleasures upheld
Misting rains
Paper wings to carry us away
Falling
It only bothers me when ....
I'm always thinking about you.
Stay out of my head.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Hard against each other
Wanting
Pressing
On fire
It only bothers me when I think about it.
Lovers
Strangers
A dance through the forest trees
Burning gaze upon the night
It only bothers me when I think about you.
Explosions
Exclamations
The song that doesn't get sung
The whispers that don't exist
False
It only bothers me when I'm thinking of you.
Muffled shrieks
Pleasures upheld
Misting rains
Paper wings to carry us away
Falling
It only bothers me when ....
I'm always thinking about you.
Stay out of my head.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, February 13, 2010
timeline of obsessions - timid release
Summer of '96 - Reunited with my elementary school best friend, Kristy, we headed up to the local fair. At 16 she's apalled that I'm not only still a virgin, but have never even kissed a boy, let alone held hands or anything remotely close to interactive with the opposite sex. Later that night, she talks me into playing truth or dare with her and a local carnie. First kiss on a dare, that's where it all began. From there I spent the night making out with him, exploring the release of the beast that would one day consume me.
Within a month, I lost my virginity while staying the night at my sister's house. My sister was at work, a random friend of a friend stopped by, just out of prison that day. I never asked what or why. He came back later that night knowing I would be alone. It was unromantic, rushed, and meaningless. There was no introduction, no conversation, no prelude. No explanation, no aftermath, no reaction. A few minutes, a momentary interaction, innocence lost, as he walked quickly out the door, disappearing into the night.
That fall brought Ed, my first actually boyfriend. We fucked at night when he was drunk and high; but by day we didn't know each other, besides objectifying me as a joke with his friends. Fall months progressed into Winter, then Spring. Humiliation did nothing for my tender self image. I had always been nothing to everyone, an afterthought at best; to trade in that acceptence for a warmth at night seemed logical. I wanted to be loved, I could settle for being used, at least it was something.
What little inner strength I had accumulated suffered a trecherous blow one Spring evening in '97 when his best friend and self proclaimed brother, a man I knew on a daily basis, the man dating my then best friend Ashley, ripped a hole in my spirit that can never be more than roughly patched over. A day that would become everyone woman's screaming nightmare. Shoving me into the cusions of the couch. Holding down not just my body, but also my mind, will power, and faith in humanity. I couldn't fathom an answer to the horrifying questions racing through my mind. Tears froze, words could never regain their momentum, sanity stuffed loosely back inside a blank body. The lights inside my heart dimmed while the beast that was Terror fed on each agonizing second, turning my wilting flower heart to stone. I kept silent for weeks before emotion over came me, erupting as a vocano covering my friendships and relationship with a poisonous infecting ash.
The Spring months had changed Ed from abusive to doting, but my shattered ego and calloused heart knew not how to deal with it. The heavy dust had settled leaving the crystal clear air choking me with a lost freedom from a soul entranced in captivity. Compelled to break free, I fractured from my relationship with Ed, just before my 17th birthday in May of '97.
Within a few weeks, a random interlude with a fellow park basketball friend furthered my thinking that my body was not mine to give, merely the key to making and keeping of friends of the opposite sex. Then alcohol took it's turn as I earned a relentless lesson from a drunk night in a backyard, shaking my head no as the words slurred to come out. Memories from a few months prior threaten to crush my thoughts and body from the inside out. I couldn't move. Words stuck thick in my throat like soured honey, gripping to the bees nest while the stinging sensations from the angry swarm began to numb my inner revulsion. He walked away after the brief meeting of bodies, leaving me to stumble home broken and used, against my will but helpless to take a stand.
I steered a wide berth from anything and everyone that would even hint at being emotionally consuming from that point forward. October of 1997 broke me free of that spell, yet trapped me in the most devastating of all webs. I sat in a local teen hang-out at nearly midnight when April leaned over and whispered, "I don't know him very well, but I know well enough that you should stay away from him..." Seconds later I looked up into the eyes that would drink the life and soul straight from my injured remains, selfishly and without regret.
Oh to be able to travel back to that night. One aversion of my eyes could have saved my soul from a plightless death.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Within a month, I lost my virginity while staying the night at my sister's house. My sister was at work, a random friend of a friend stopped by, just out of prison that day. I never asked what or why. He came back later that night knowing I would be alone. It was unromantic, rushed, and meaningless. There was no introduction, no conversation, no prelude. No explanation, no aftermath, no reaction. A few minutes, a momentary interaction, innocence lost, as he walked quickly out the door, disappearing into the night.
That fall brought Ed, my first actually boyfriend. We fucked at night when he was drunk and high; but by day we didn't know each other, besides objectifying me as a joke with his friends. Fall months progressed into Winter, then Spring. Humiliation did nothing for my tender self image. I had always been nothing to everyone, an afterthought at best; to trade in that acceptence for a warmth at night seemed logical. I wanted to be loved, I could settle for being used, at least it was something.
What little inner strength I had accumulated suffered a trecherous blow one Spring evening in '97 when his best friend and self proclaimed brother, a man I knew on a daily basis, the man dating my then best friend Ashley, ripped a hole in my spirit that can never be more than roughly patched over. A day that would become everyone woman's screaming nightmare. Shoving me into the cusions of the couch. Holding down not just my body, but also my mind, will power, and faith in humanity. I couldn't fathom an answer to the horrifying questions racing through my mind. Tears froze, words could never regain their momentum, sanity stuffed loosely back inside a blank body. The lights inside my heart dimmed while the beast that was Terror fed on each agonizing second, turning my wilting flower heart to stone. I kept silent for weeks before emotion over came me, erupting as a vocano covering my friendships and relationship with a poisonous infecting ash.
The Spring months had changed Ed from abusive to doting, but my shattered ego and calloused heart knew not how to deal with it. The heavy dust had settled leaving the crystal clear air choking me with a lost freedom from a soul entranced in captivity. Compelled to break free, I fractured from my relationship with Ed, just before my 17th birthday in May of '97.
Within a few weeks, a random interlude with a fellow park basketball friend furthered my thinking that my body was not mine to give, merely the key to making and keeping of friends of the opposite sex. Then alcohol took it's turn as I earned a relentless lesson from a drunk night in a backyard, shaking my head no as the words slurred to come out. Memories from a few months prior threaten to crush my thoughts and body from the inside out. I couldn't move. Words stuck thick in my throat like soured honey, gripping to the bees nest while the stinging sensations from the angry swarm began to numb my inner revulsion. He walked away after the brief meeting of bodies, leaving me to stumble home broken and used, against my will but helpless to take a stand.
I steered a wide berth from anything and everyone that would even hint at being emotionally consuming from that point forward. October of 1997 broke me free of that spell, yet trapped me in the most devastating of all webs. I sat in a local teen hang-out at nearly midnight when April leaned over and whispered, "I don't know him very well, but I know well enough that you should stay away from him..." Seconds later I looked up into the eyes that would drink the life and soul straight from my injured remains, selfishly and without regret.
Oh to be able to travel back to that night. One aversion of my eyes could have saved my soul from a plightless death.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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