bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up) before I come undone
(Save me) save me from the nothing I’ve become
~ Evanessence ~ Bring Me to Life ~

When I was a child I used to think that I was merely dreaming, that one day I would really truly wake up & the nightmare that is/was my life would be over. Ironic that I bounce back and forth between longing to wake up from the nightmare & going to sleep to end the nightmare. The endlessness of life.

There have been so many moments that I thought I was close over the last few years. I have been reckless with life on purpose at times, daring fate to make me yet another number. Another story. Daring fate to bring a welcomed end. Yet never strong enough to make the stupid decision myself. Or never stupid enough to make the strong decision myself. Either way you will look at it, the end result would be the same. Every time I have fallen, tears flowing relentlessy, body & soul torn... every time though, there has been someone to pick me up, to bring me back to life. To shelter me from the storm. To rescue me from drowning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been shot at by a drunk maniac. I have been buried by loose corn in a hopper wagon. I have been thrown through the air towards metal fence posts that I thought I would surely be impaled upon. I have been followed late at night down dark streets. I have been held down & choked - I did not fight it, he could have won then. I have been run over by a hay wagon. I have been trampled by horses. I have been violated & have had taken what I was not willing to give. I have been in numerous wrecks, behind the wheel & not. I have been beaten & I have witnessed abuse. I have roused sleepily on the operating table to the doctor telling me something went wrong.

Still. I am here.
*sigh*
Always will be.

almost

I haven't talked to you in weeks
I think of you each night

I haven't heard your voice in weeks
I hear your voice each night

I haven't seen your face in weeks
I see your face each night

I haven't felt your touch in weeks
I feel your touch each night

Can you tell me why?
When will you return what I did not give?
What you took so easily.
May I at least ask..... WHY?

Watching
Spinning
*sigh*
Gone.....

All the while wishing
that you dreamnt
of me
too

contamination of the mind

There's something that I just can't explain... I thought the world had lost its sway (it's so hard sometimes). Then I fell in love with you (and then came you, and then came you) and you took that away (it's not so difficult; the world is not so difficult). You take away the old, show me the new and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you....
~ Blue October, Calling You ~

I don't understand the allure. The glittery goodness of it. Why would anyone want to alter their mind? To cover up life? It's still there. Waiting. Piling up. Wasting away the limited amount of minutes granted to you; shortening the life you could have.

Am I alone in wishing for more? And yet I am so very close to wanting the end. Maybe it is to that end that the fear builds ... feeds.

What is it about life that is so overwhelming? That creates the undeniable urge for you to hide, to blitz away the preciousness of reality?

Yes, Life is difficult. Painful. But also happy. Memorable. Why do you erase that?

The issue is the contamination. The damage. The reasoning behind willfully altering reality. The overwhelming desire to lose yourself. Covering up what is there does not make it disappear.

Why can't I be enough? Is it too far fetched to wish for the fairy tale? To just allow that magic to heal the wounds & bond two souls? Do I not deserve it? Then don't ever tell me I do. Meaningless words. I hear nothing.

I can see.

shadows...

...of reality

I found this poem on another blog and snatched it. Only after leaving a gracious comment, of course. It speaks to me in such a way that words do not do justice. It is proof that there is romanticism in strength & independence. That today is the moment to cherish, while keeping yesterday in mind & tomorrow in a fuzzy focus. Read it. Does it speak these things to you? And more...?

After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye,

you learn

anonymous

I burn for your eyes upon mine, but I know you won't glance my way.
I tremble for your arms out reaching; they don't leave your side for mine.
I long for your smile, so playful; sad that it's not meant for me.
I ache for your voice in my ears; instead I lay here, with your songs, playing softly, in the night.

Alone. Dreaming.