word to the wise

It's amazing how a truly relaxing, peaceful day can spiral so completely out of control just for answering one simple phone call; one phone call that leaves me staggering through reality, focused once again on each downfall in my life.

That you brushed my arm? That I let you down? That I became someone you thought I never would? Who do you think you are? Really? That you went to prison because you tried to have a life with me? Get over yourself. It was your drinking, your issues that landed you there, and it wasn't the first time so back off trying to make me take the blame for your inadequacies. You dare call me, because once again you're drunk & need someone to blame. Tear me down baby, you're so damn good at it. Next your gonna blame me for this new chick you've knock up? Tell me please, what role did I play in that? Do me just ONE favor in your life, fill your head with reality & not the bullshit you tend to wallow in. I'm over you.

what

What I want to say is
Why did you go?
What I want to say is
Why didn't you stay?

What I want to know is
Why did you lie?
What I want to know is
Why not the truth?

What I want to do is
Hide from the pain
What I want to do is
Sleep away again

What I really need is
The unthinkable
What I really need is
You.

wasted time

"YOU MY FRIEND, YOU'RE A LOT LIKE THEM;
BUT I CUT YOUR LINE AND YOU KNOW I DID.
NOW I'M LOST IN YOU, LIKE I ALWAYS DO
AND I'D DIE TO WIN 'CAUSE I'M BORN TO LOSE

FIREFLY COULD YOU SHINE YOUR LIGHT?
NOW I KNOW YOUR WAYS 'CAUSE THEY'RE JUST LIKE MINE
NOW I'M JUSTIFIED AS I FALL IN LINE AND IT'S HARD TO TRY WHEN YOUR OPEN WIDE"
FireFly by Breaking Benjamin

This fucking life, I can't a break to save myself!! I have thought all day about the good things that I could possibly muster up in order to write a not-so-negative post. Instead, I sit to write & find a fucking RETARDED comment on myspace about some drama that happened more than 2 years ago. This clueless twit has the audacity to go off out of no where & proceed to tell me how "gross & fucked up" I am, when she has her story totally twisted! The comment, which is public, has sat on my page for who knows how long today. Yes, her issue has a tiny bit of truth behind it, but has been stretched, twisted, and played telephone with until it no longer resembles anything near truth. Bullshit that I have already dealt with & moved on from; cut my losses, ended my fucked up marriage, lost a good friend & both sister-in-laws over.

When will this end? Everything for him & a life of nothing for me. I was better off when he disappeared for 6 years & his kids didn't even know he existed. Instead, I openly give him the chance to be a father & have his family... the shit I have swallowed & continue to face daily...

OMGosh I was not a perfect person & none of the bullshit that he pulled ever gave me the right to become the person that I did for a short time; but there is NO reason for ANYone to dare judge me & attack me on a subject they know NOTHING about. NOTHING. And why is this always coming from the people who supposedly tried to help convince me that I shouldn't be treated the way I was allowing him to treat me?? It's truly a fucked up world.

I'd really appreciate it if EVERYone that ever had anything to do w/that damn barn cat just simply forgot my name & that I ever existed. Ok, so everyone but UPIC & Shane; there is no way I would have made it through so many dark days & had the strength to completely rid myself of the fish bowl chaos w/out her standing in the shadows to catch my soul every time it fell. Shane has done the same for me in the last two months, well he's always been there as a friend, but more now than ever in dealing with this last escapade.

Back to the clueless drama, she's been on my friend list on myspace for many many months now ... and yes, she's still there (the comment is NOT). I'm not going to delete her. If she's going to be a bitch about some drama that she doesn't even have her facts straight on, without even questioning ME or the other party involved (and I'm talking about the TWO of us that were there that ONE night), then she can delete her damn self off. I have no problem with having idiots on my page, there are several there already.

My page is public so that every fricken shallow bitch that falls for his lies can have a front row view of my life. In fact, the front row is reserved for haters. Get a good look, because this is my finger flying in your face bitches. I have nothing to hide from you, from anyone. Certainly nothing that I have to answer to anyone else for. Reality will find you one day & you will see how much time you have wasted. You will also see why I'm the callous, cold-hearted bitch that I am & and why I don't put up with tiniest inch concerning the barn cat.

I cannot afford to.

clarification

I have not changed. My mind is still the same. Passion is not lost, nor grown. Nothing has been misplaced. I am who I have always been. Always.

Lately, extra attention has been placed on my misery & wellfare. Please do not worry too much. I express myself here in order to attempt to lighten my soul, shake the darkness. While I am momentarily unsuccessful, do not be concerned that it will always be such.

You would like to know the issues that have caused this darkness? Through a long chain of events, between my poor decision making and the inequality that is life, in just over two years: I have lost two houses that I owned, and then the house that I was renting, just last month.

I married the jerk who had taken everything from me in the first place, because I foolishly loved him. FOOLISHLY. I endured a year & half divorce, starting 3 days after we married. I had him put in jail, finally, for domestic abuse, and tried endlessly to keep the kids from knowing what was going on.

I've lost two jobs. I seriously was fired from a bar for being too old & not pretty enough, after working there for 9 months, 6 days a week, open to close. When Summer started, he wanted "hot, fresh" college girls. Yes, my boss was a pig, but I made mad money there. He lost MANY customers when he fired me. He also paid me unemployment for 6 months.

I've had 4 cars completely break down, past the point of being repairable. I now own nothing but a bicycle for transportation.

When I married the jerk, I moved 300 miles away from my youngest two boys. I see them once every 6 weeks, if I'm lucky, for a day & half. Ben will bring them up this weekend, but then I will not see them again for more than 3 months, because I have no car. I pay a ridiculous amount of child support; I cannot afford a car pymt. My boys are 3 & 4; I have missed their entire lives for the last 2 years.

When I left KY, left the boys with Ben, I broke his heart. He hates me. HATES me. I cannot blame him. He is still hard on me, unreasonable at most times. It is still hard on him. I did not love him. I tried, for 6 years, I tried. He did not want me to go. Still does not want me to be gone. I left 3 years ago this month.

Since I haven't had a place to live for the last month, nor have I had a car for the last three weeks, my oldest 2 kids, 8 & 9, now live with their dad. In another city. With his alcoholic mom. And his deranged family. They hate it; I can do nothing about it, right now.

Last month, I lost my childhood best friend, Dixie. She was my horse I'd had for over 17 years. She was my only friend for many years. She taught me patience, unconditional love, and so many things that I can never begin to explain. Never. My daughter started riding her 5 years ago. Dixie was not sick; she simply laid down one night & did not get up the next morning.

I have tried to avoid all things to do with men, as it only adds complication. I failed... I fell. Hard & fast. He left me, because I have too many "issues" “ which I explained all of BEFORE I agreed to even date him. He pursued me, filling my head with how worth it I was, and then walked away, rudely telling me that I need medicated. And that I'm fucked up. He still emails me to tell me how I have pissed him off (I haven't even done anything) & how he's going to take it out on my friends, by cancelling their shows. And then even tell them that it is all because of me. All of this because I have a fortress of walls surrounding my heart & doubted that he really loved me. Because I thought we were moving too quickly. Because I could not let him in right away. Because I was NOT worth the wait. Didn't I say that from the start? Where did I go wrong? Read back from the start of this blog. Read the blogs on myspace from before I began writing here. I hide NOTHING. It has all been laid out, in black & white.

The bright side: I have a job. I hate it, but I HAVE it, temporarily. I have extremely wonderful friends. I have a few family members who know the true meaning of family. I am healthy, for the most part.

Is this enough? Enough for me to be saddened by life? There are so many things left out of here, but these are the basics. Please don't worry too much. Everyone has their story, their troubles. It is not anymore than anyone else has ever had to deal with. Eventually something must give.

cinderella syndrome

They read you Cinderella;
you hoped it would come true.
That one day your Prince Charming
would come rescue you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beauty over wisdom
to fit in with their styles.
Your Cinderella story
.........for a price
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are you doing?
Pushing buttons.
Why?
Because that is what I do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pretend
for a moment
that you know me

Pretend
for a moment
that you ever tried

Now,
wake the fuck up

You created yourself;
and I devastated myself.
You made it crystal clear
like muddy water.

Did you not know me from the start?
You thought you did.
You should have.
I am not that difficult.
I knew you.

Ego stands in the way of life.
Love doesn't stand a chance.

outgrown love

I cannot think. I cannot talk. I cannot hear. I cannot write. My outlets have changed. Yesterday was the day the music died.

I cannot hear the words that used to put my soul at ease. The music that once soothed me is nothing but noise now. It does not find its place. It does not speak to me. It doesn't touch me. It holds no emotion. No recipe for calm.

I am unacceptable.
Again.
It was not love? You must be right. For why else would I feel this way?
Thank you, for your honesty & your incite.
I will return to being forgotten. Maybe one day you will return my heart? May I ask that you bring the music back to my soul as well? I am so empty without either.

dark secrets

The bruises are on the outside now. For now, I can look at my reflection & SEE the lasting effects. I can watch as the days go by & the darkness fades. I can feel the physical pain coursing through my body, instead of the sometimes dull emotional throbbing or the often heart wrenching turmoil that has overtaken me the past few weeks.

You will not like to read this.

Closing my eyes, I can imagine that the throbbing through my face, neck & chest is the only real pain that I have; that the bruising that has transformed my body into a multi-colored platform effectively hides all other injuries - the injuries that seem unreal, imagined, intangible ... incurable.

It is my body. I will use it as I please. I am not here to please you, nor am I willing to sensor my words & actions. Do you want to see me as I really am?

Look again.

medicate me, please?

Here's how my previous two days were "planned" to go:

Wednesday:
Margarita's w/Bethany (co-worker, after working 7:30 am to 4pm) @ Bandidos 4-5:30
Then I'm gonna pick up the kids from after school activities, drop 'em off w/Jere.
I have a quick errand to do at the Mall between 6 & 7pm.
Then I'm going to the laundry mat by the RockN Horse to do laundry before my trip & I can tan there for $2 while my laundry's going. Then I'm going to Angie's to pack my stuff & be ready for the week.

Thursday:
After work I'm going to the gym from 4:30 to 5:30, picking the kids up by 6 & dropping them off w/Jere @ 8. Then I'm hanging w/Shane for his bday. I leave for Indy around 5am Friday morning, hopefully drunk enough to sleep the entire trip as I'm riding w/my mom for at least most of it.

I wrote that to a friend to explain what was going on & why I couldn't meet up with him. Here's what really happened:

Wednesday:
~Work (check)
~Margarita's (check)
~Called Shane to verify plans for his bday. Became devastated when he says he's not going to celebrate b/c he's going to go to jail & he's too depressed to continue with life. ???? (Confused about how THAT happened.)
~Read horrible emails from my "boyfriend", who is "never being mean to me" but always lacing his words with a vicious bite.
~Pick up kids @ 6pm & drop them off w/their dad. (check)
~Stopped at mall, sat in parking lot debating on going in. Decided against it as I'm depressed, look like hell, and just don't wanna deal with it at the moment.
~Laundry Mat @ 6:30 (check)
~Call from my best friend who has now been forced into the middle of boyfriend & I's "non-issues" - he called her to ask her to call me & explain his issues to me.
~Attempt to finish laundry while holding back waterfalls of tears.
~Tan - although I had decided not to spend the $4 for tanning & lotion, I now felt it was the only place I could cry & not have anyone stare. Also, I would have an excuse when I came out red faced.
~Text Bethany that I need a drink, Checkerz? No, she's going bowling w/Courtney.
~Drove to the wrong bowling alley.
~Discovered my mistake, so went to AJ's Bar & Grille instead, to meet Shane & figure out what the hell is going on.
~On the drive, rec'v call from "boyfriend" saying he was sorry & wants to see me. Told him I'm going to AJ's to get drunk as quickly as possible.
~AJ's @ 8:30 waiting for Shane. (I have already asked everyone to just understand that I'm having a HORRIBLE day, preceded by 28 horrible years, and please not to ask any questions as I don't want to talk.)
~Boyfriend shows up for all of 3.45 minutes, gets a phone call & has to leave.
~Downed 8 shots of Cuervo & I don't know how many pints of beer. Passed out at the bar (THAT's attractive & healthy). Shane drove my car to his place, crashed in the big comfy chair again.

Thursday
~Drove Shane 30 minutes to probation meeting so he doesn't go to jail on his birthday (still not sure the story on this. Known him for 11 years, didn't know he was on probation).
~Arrange breakfast with Bethany as she lives in same town I just drove to & is off work. Also schedule Dr appt, convincing the office that I need in TODAY.
~Drop cell phone off at April's work (as she also lives & works in same town I just drove to) & quickly explain battery dead, will be back to pick phn up after breakfast, to let it charge.
~Eat nasty breakfast at Bob Evans, trying to soak up foul hangover.
~Pick up cell phone & discover that Shane believes I abandoned him & therefore he has started walking the 30 miles back to Fort Wayne.
~Drive around 20 minutes looking for Shane; he finally answers his cell & tells me he's "used to women abandoning him" - wtf? He has someone on the way to pick him up.
~Call Bethany & ask to chill @ her house til my Dr appt. Spend 6.25 minutes at Bethany's house when April tells me she's having lunch w/her friend & I should join, at Pizza Hut.
~Leave Bethany's, go to Pizza Hut.
~Go to Dr appt 30 min early to fill out new patient questionnaire. Get physically & mentally violated by Dr (don't worry, nothing illegal).
~Drive back to FW to pick up kids from school; while driving, rec'v call from Shane that he has left his keys in my car & needs them before 7pm.
~Pulled over for not wearing a seat belt or using a turn signal to turn, at a fucking stop light, from a turn only lane. Car impounded for stupid ass shit.
~3:30 waiting for mom to pick kids & I up, surrounded by police cars, on Main St. Call "boyfriend" to ask him to stop attacking me with vicious emails, which I have gotten several more of, when my entire life is SHIT.
~Spend the evening explaining to friends & family that my car is impounded & I frankly don't give a fuck b/c everything in my life has gone to hell & I just want to go on this vacation w/my little brother. Go out for a drink w/older sister & can't even manage to finish one Crown Royal w/Sprite b/c I feel so horrible. Switched to a Vicodin instead.
~Packed 2 bags to leave for a week; dyed hair to light brown. Tried to ignore all the overwhelmingly shitty details that plague my existence, many of which I left out of here.
~Woke up at 2am to hit the road with my mom. Found yet another aggressive email from "no-longer-boyfriend" & also listened to a wonderfully well worded voice mail, also from same guy. Cried. Picked up remaining tiny pieces of my heart off the floor, stuffed them into my pocket, took another Vicodin & hit the road (in the passenger seat of course).

See why I don't make plans? Notice that I never made it to work on Thursday? I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done. Fuck life.

Also, I'm spending 2 hours waiting for my brother to get off work, at his condo, in the scariest ghetto in all of Indianapolis, at 4am. Bodies get carried out of here. Often. Can I lay in the parking lot waiting for thugs to carry me off?

fallen

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I was so close ... to nothing. Everything that plagues me today is directly related to a decision, a very poor decision, to marry the jerk I was in love with, knowing full well what he put me thru for nine yrs prior. Knowing that it wouldn't changed, but hoping against hope that he could. That he really wanted to.

Some things were different, if time had changed him in those ways, then couldn't time, effort & enough love change him in others? If he was willing... He said he was willing. Walking out of the courthouse he turned to me, "Now you're mine. Forever. You can't leave me" - my heart screamed into my ears NO! It was the WRONG reason! In that moment I saw him for who he truly is & would be everyday of his life.

I realized two things:

1) He would never change who he was. In his mind, he had no reason to. He never thought I would leave.

2) I had lost the unquestionable immense love that I had carried for so long. I was broken. Completely.

It took nearly a year and a half to legally undo what that fucking piece of paper & useless promise did in less than ten minutes. Nearly 9 months later, I am still trying to gather the broken pieces. That one moment of trust & faith has cost me everything. Literally EVERYthing.

And then ... someone came along. Someone who made it seem that the pieces were in fact all still there; that I hadn't lost any pieces, just maybe didn't have them in the correct order yet? However, there is a gap between us that I cannot seem to mend. An uncomfortableness that saddens me, yet it is not him who makes me sad, directly, merely the distance. I wasn't looking for this, just happened upon it accidentally. Now I don't want to let it go. Have I fallen in too deep of a hole?

barriers

I have been at my current job since November. One of the issues I have been having is simply communicating with other's who don't speak the same language. They fall through the cracks into the left behind; those that someone else deem's aren't worthy of the time. Is it really all that difficult, just to try? To reach out? A simple effort can go such a very, very long way. Inside the heart, are we not all the same?

Inside, there is the same pain. The same heartache. The same struggle. And even the same longing.

Wonderously, in some moments, the same thriving happiness. The same love. The same connection to the world. So why then, do these barriers exist? WHY is it so fucking difficult?

Language. So many, many avenues of language. The language we speak. The unspoken languages. The language of the heart & soul.

I despise that communication can create such havoc in one's life. Language barriers.

There is but one solid factor that can cross any barrier: love. Pure, simple, sweet LOVE. The kind the builds roots in your soul & grows strong through every storm.

My four year old son, sitting in my lap tonight as I was writing this, asked me if he could play a game on my phone. I told him, "not yet, I'm writing."

"Momma, why are you writing?"

I looked into his eyes, wise beyond his years, and decided not to hold back, "Because my heart hurts, baby".

I thought the conversation was over as he laid his head on me and stared off. A minute later, sitting up right once again, "Why don't you take some medicine?"

Lost in thought, trying to marry what was in my head & my heart; struggling to pour myself into the right language to be truthfully heard, I stumbled back to his sincere face staring intently at me. Those pale blue eyes opening that which I try so very hard to leave behind.

"Medicine for what honey?"

"For your heart." Those simple words brought stinging tears to my eyes.

"Sweetie, the only medicine for your heart is love," I whispered into his ear.

His crooked smile, "I love you momma," as he wrapped his arms around me and lay his head on my shoulder again.

He had broken the barrier. How could I have forgotten how healing love can be?

Medicine for the heart. The universal language.

Love.

bring me down

... Or follow me down. I can't decide which way it is; I'm simply aware of the direction I am in. E was right. Who comes away from him unscathed?

Fucking people just don't get it. Don't get what I'm am capable of, what I truly have inside. All this fucking struggling. Finally someone I can feel open with. Feel connected to.

Again, left behind. Like I said he would. But no, he reassured, never. Always & forever.

Blindsided by my mistakes. When will I get it? Better yet, when will someone else GET it? My strengths are NOT my weakness. I will not allow you to tell me who I am. Just like I do not allow him to. It IS me in control.

I am not the one who struggles with identity. I am simply the one who suffers for it. I have known all along, have been fucking honest, brutally honest. I have allowed you in.

I AM ready for this. YOU are not. And yet you place the blame on me. Open your eyes. That makes you no better than the issue. That does not leave me as the dishonest one.

I'll take that blame, since you can't carry it. What's one more burden to bear? What's one more brick in the wall? One more shadow to darken my way? I'll stumble through darkness, because I have seen what it looks like in the light.

I was comfortable in my darkness, and yet finding my way out. The struggles that you hold tucked away in your mind are ever present, ever looming, dark & burning. Possibly, you were looking for an answer that I would not give you, so you gave it yourself? Scared that our differences would get in the way? Thus ended it already. I hate life. Now you see why.

You are different from anyone else? No, you are the same. You would never walk away? You just did, with such ease. My worries were unfounded? Insightful.

Empty.

i live...

... in your dreams. Come; live in mine.

Round 2 of today's rantings: Life is FUCKING COMPLICATED. I'm reaching the end of my sanity rope. Crystal, you might want to send your discarded Effexor granules my way.

BC has been staying off & on at my house because my car wasn't created for arctic cold and just sits in my drive way as a large snow drift. I need a ride to & from work M-F, and the kids need to get to school. During the fall, the kids walked to school & I rode my bike to work, or wherever. Now it's so fucking cold the wetness in my eyeballs would freeze if I tried to ride my bike. I'd rather eat my own arm than have him at my house. Please don't pay any attention to the bite marks. I've gone after both arms.

The karma refund in the ugly duckling syndrome has hit me in the wrong stage of life. I'm currently attracting guys, of ALL ages, and I'm so fucking guarded I can't even make a friend. I was actually told that I was ANAL the other night! Wtf! ME? Reality is way harsh. I hate being a bitch, but sometimes they just DON'T get the picture.

Also, I don't see what other's see in me, and it perplexes me. Am I looking at the wrong mirror? Or are they? Emotions tend to make things heavy, if that makes any sense....?

Take note of this: you can NOT be THE ONE if chemistry is not present. Don't attempt a rescue mission when I flat out tell you there's no chemistry. Do NOT tell me you will wait; in my translation, that's fucking handcuffs & not in the oh-baby-oh-baby way! Also, I do not feel the undying need to instantaneously be in a relationship!

OMG April, I'm dying laughing & yet totally cringing about what you said. Why can't I just be sweet & end of story? Not "sweet, but afraid of relationships"? Oh yeah, that's right ... because of that thing that I have, called a FUCKING ISSUE.

Lastly, holy shit! I'm sooo confused! What if ... what if there's totally THAT connection ... but I'm trying SO hard to clear my head ... because it is so very obviously BAD bad timing ... and the potential loss of friendship already is excruciating ...

Dammit I'm an eyes-closed-head-first-jumper ... not a think-it-through-Betsy ... So does this mean I am truly changing my ways, or am truly scared shitless and looking for a reason to bolt?

I just need to breath.

But I can't.

damn regret, i try to forget

My life is split in two; the moments overwhelmed by HIM, & the moments that I am TRULY alive.

In my darkest hours, YOU are the one casting shadows.

Am I content to fade into the scene? Or do I desire a more prominent role?

.........................................