do your thing

is it Monday? Feels like it.

Today I wore a cute white & silver striped sweater to work. While at my desk being Super Triana and doing a million things at once, I added a packet of raspberry peach flavoring to my bottle of water, typed a note into the insurance screen, grabbed my bottle of now RED water and shook it.

Do you see where this is going? …. white sweater … red drink … shaking …

Yep, you probably guessed it. I went from Super Triana to Wonder Triana in .02 seconds. I didn’t twist the cap in my haste to type my note in when the insurance rep came back on, then inadvertently grabbed the bottle & shook.

Amazingly, I didn’t do the up and down shake which would have plastered the red liquid into my shirt. Instead I did the wrist twist and merely covered my boss’s reports with burst of red liquid splashed across like a kindergartner in art class.

I don’t know why they keep me here. Comic relief? Probably.

Last week on my way to the coffee station for some hot water to add to my mocha mix, my boss stopped me to chit-chat as I walked past her office. I get fidgety, because that is what I do… When I get fidgety, I do odd things. For instance…

You remember back when you were a kid (or maybe still are) when it was entertaining to suction cup a mug to your face by inhaling the oxygen from the cup? Know what I’m talking about?

Don’t do that with a mug full of mocha powder. The sudden vacuum followed by the release causes the powder to … well … *poof* everywhere. My boss nearly died laughing. I had mocha powder in a ring around my mouth & down the front of my blouse where it wafted as I stood there in disbelief & horror. I was blowing chocolate snot out of my nose until the next day. Not good.

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Last night April & I ventured to Switta Thai to eat dinner. I wore a tank top because the weather was B-E-A-utiful. I forewarned her that I’m going to wax my arm “pips” and therefore have a tiny bit of growth going on. She disgustedly ask me why I wore a tank top w/hairy arm pits. Well, I’ve done worse, and it wasn’t even noticeable until I pointed it out.

Later we decided we wanted to shoot some pool. As we’re getting out of her van she stops short & exclaims to me, “How are you going to play pool with hairy arm pits?!” Well you know, I thought I’d just braid it & tuck it under my bra straps. HELLO! Not to mention the fact that she just asked me that, loudly, in a crowded parking lot.

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That night while relaxing at Deer Park after April had left for the night, a random middle aged man, walks by, glances at me, stops & says, “have you done any more episodes of your tv show?” Uhhhh, excuse me? I flustered a bit. He steps a bit more toward me saying, “You were on that local channel … you and another dark haired girl that was sitting here earlier. Are you working on another one?"

Shiiiiiiit.... that was months ago, and he recognized me? Gravy train!

finally, day 3

The final installation [a few days late]
Day 3
Woke up late again, yes! April & I headed to the Falls of the Ohio, state park which happens to be in Clarksville/New Albany, IN... on the Ohio River, right across from Louisville, KY. We had a blast taking hundreds of random snapshots of each other down in the fossil bed, along side the river, and in the flower gardens.

True to my bodily functions, I had a bit of the belchies from the Thai cuisine mixed with drinking the night before. I quietly belched & moved on without a second thought, with April 50 feet away. It took her nearly a minute of ambling around before she hit the spot where I had belched. Not kidding... her face wrinkled, she stopped, and disgustedly asked if I had belched. Unbelievable! Her sniffer must work overtime.

Once while April was snapping shots of me leaning against a tree, she pauses & says to me, "stop sticking your butt out like that." Hello, darling, this is the same ass that has been following me around for years now. I'm not sticking it anywhere. In fact, I'm trying my damnedest to suck in my gut, tighten my abs, tuck my ass, shoulders back, chin up, hmmmm... am I forgetting something? Oh yes, that's it... I suppose I should be breathing somewhere in there too.

After a few hours, walking back to the van, we passed a couple walking 6 or 7 dogs. I barked at them playfully. She dryly muttered, "my best friend bark at dogs". I didn't fully catch what she said so I asked "what?" She replied, much louder this time, "my best friend darks at bogs!" Really? I couldn't stop laughing. I nearly peed myself.

*****************************

Here are a few random lines that wound their way through our dinner:

(In a fake, deeply emotional, actress tone) "I don't know what I'd ever do without you darling"
(The reply, in a flat, stern tone) "YOU NEED HELP!"
~~~
"At least I don't have my tassles on anymore"
~~~
"I don't know how to suck it up as good as you do it"
~~~
"We share everything"
~~~

tastes like grass

Momma, when I talk, the talk comes out my ears.

*that's better than talking out your ass like most people manage to accomplish*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Momma, guess what Tyler's doing? He's riding a baby tractor. **Logan looking out the window from the back of the couch**

What? *thoroughly confused*

Tyler's riding a baby tractor. *matter of fact*

Where? *still trying to catch up*

Outside. *Logan says everything in a matter of fact tone. He's a 4 year old constantly explaining rocket science - it's that sort of "this is how it is, moron" tone*

What's he doing out there? *perplexed*

Riding a baby tractor. *complete with the "here's your sign" look*

(Because I didn't quite get it the first 2 times. The thing that had me confused was that Tyler was gone with Samantha; I didn't know they were home already.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I ordered a baked potato from Wendy's, which they covered in chives. I don't mind a few chives, but I'm not a big fan of a six inch layer, so I flipped most of the extra chives onto the tray. My oldest, Briana, decided that she wanted to try a chive. After carefully choosing one single chopped chive, delicately chewing/swishing it around her mouth, she shrugged her shoulders and nonchalantly declared....

"It tastes like grass."

I nearly choked on my potato. Before I could swallow & recover, she followed it up with, "Yes mom, I know what grass tastes like, I've ate it before."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the Friday recap -
My daughter eats grass.
My middle son talks out his ears.
My oldest son rides baby tractors.
My youngest son is just trying to keep up with the crew. Good luck son.

drunkeness

A follow-up to Wing Seeker's post from our adventure Thursday night at stinky P's:

First let me say, that the simplest way to keep a drunk Triana busy is to give her April's phone. That dang contraption aggravates me beyond words, and it's my phone's cousin! It makes me want to do the cave man grunt & just chuck it to the wolves.

To expand on Seeker's post, the smiegel freak was utterly disturbing. And his band sucked. I realized after a min that I was staring mouth agape, but I only realized this after I noticed another acquaintance a few feet away doing the same.

Pink sweat pants. Heels. Not just kitten heels. Four inch black heals. With pink sweat pants. Seriously, she hopped about the dance floor like a wild bunny on crack.

HOT pink go-go boots, on a 40 year old woman. With a jean skirt. And a tight HOT pink t-shirt. Frizzy hair. Can I call one of those make-over shows?

Leopard print dress, not so much. Black tights on a guy wearing shorts... Hmmmm, don't know how I feel on that one either. And one that Wings left off, the jean skirt combined with some funky knee high laced up shoe/boot oddity.

At one point, well, nix that.... all night long I was checking out guys, cuz that's what I do. Unabashedly. As usual, my big mouth gets me into slight trouble. Or better put, embarrassment. Like say, when I gush about how hott a particular guy is, only to have April point out that he has now stopped a foot or two away from me & is now listening, knowing I'm talking about him. Oooops, my bad. He eventually came over to our table to talk. I was stammerring for words. Don't know what the heck happened to Miss Thing 'cuz suddenly I was Miss I-only-speak-in-one-syllable-answers.

The highlight of my night though, watching the horror on Wings' face as I repeatedly asked her if she wanted to see my boobs bounce throughout the night. What can I say? They have a lot of bounce. Keeps me entertained! Well, drunk at least.

gym shoes?

True story. Today, I lost my shoes while at the gym. I'm not talking like, I brought a pair of gym sneakers & then misplaced them. I'm talking about the one & only pair of shoes that I walked in wearing.

Only I can pull this off. Trust me. On a random thought, maybe this is what I get for not drinking for three whole days.

replacements

Lessons I have learned from internet dating:

1. Just because he's got a PhD doesn't mean he retains any brain cell usage for respect. He will still try to drag you back to his lair and maul you.

2. Age is only a number. Literally. Some 35 year olds are still high school drama kings. Some 18 years olds have more respect for themselves & women than most 45 year olds.

3. Unless his mama is in some way handicapped or needs assistance, there really is no good reason for him to still be living with his parents. Or sneaking outside to smoke pot. When he's 35.

4. When a guy purposely flips open his phone to show you the pic of his last fiance, who is still the wallpaper on his phone, and then finish up with, "I haven't found anyone to replace her with" while looking at you..... just give up even trying to be friends at this point. Serious attachment issues.

5. Don't even attempt to meet the ones that freak out & send you 5 messages in one hour b/c OMG "I saw that you were online & you didn't message me yet, are you mad at me?" Seriously? May I breath w/out having to ask permission? And did you take estrogen pills this morning??

6. Kindly replying, "no thanks, I'm not interested in your offer to fuck like bunnies, but thank you so much for considering me as a prospect" will only get a reply of, "I was only joking. I felt sorry for you because you're only a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day. And you're overweight". The next day you will have 7-10 emails from same character professing his love for you & how he stayed up all night worried that he hurt your feelings.

7. Just because a guy can glance at one of your pictures & knows that the bicycle you're on is a Mongoose 700cc Paver... because he also has one... doesn't mean he's sat his lazy ass on it since the day he bought it.

8. Anyone who says "I just quit smoking" really means "I smoke, but I'm going to pretend that I don't because you don't" ... and sometimes will also try to cover it up with a stick of gum & hand moisturizer.

9. Don't mess with the "I'm going thru a divorce & it's mutual". Period.

10. After spending an entire evening together and being completely obnoxious b/c you really just don't like your date, you will still get a text message that says, "I know you were just being shy, but you really can come to my room at the Mariott". Riiiiiight. Hold your breath, I'll be there in, oh, never.

11. Very few guys can come up with anything to do besides feed you, buy you drinks, and try to grope you in a theatre. Now, painting pottery, that's actual hands on fun.

12. I'm considering creating a pre-date application/checklist. It's not cool to be riding passanger with a guy driving who casually states, "yeah, I get my license reinstated in June." Excuse me? You better be talking about a fishing license. Or the "I'm on anabuse for 4 more months. My 3rd DUI, but they're all bogus. The cops are out for me." *winner*

13. Anyone who refers to the harem of women in all of his pictures as his "trophies" - yeah, leave that alone too.

14. If the first question he asks you is your favorite color, and then tells you that you're acceptable because you speak the green code - take note of instability & priorities.

Now, isn't this FUN!?
Not so much.

boobies, yes I have them

I kissed a gay man last night. Wait, let me rephrase this, a gay man kissed me. Not simply the peck on the cheek, or even the brief whisping of lips on lips that he usually leaves me with. Instead he grabbed me after a night of dancing and really kissed me. Uh, can you say shocked?

April & I were on the way to Rock the Fort, local rock band showcase, sitting in 6 lanes of traffic & I notice that I'm getting a lil blushed (which happens frequently & all too easily) while recanting the previous night's adventure. I started waving my hand in a vain attempt to make the splotchy go away. My dear friend is looking at me, which I chalk up to the fact that I'm still talking, but noooooo. She stutters & stalls as she tells me that I need to quit fanning myself ... because ... "You're, um, making them, uh, those, um... bounce." Well hello. Seriously she's afraid that my bounce is creating a distraction in traffic. And that my bounce is going to free my sporties from their carefully crafted position in my tank top. Wait till we hit the show ; )

Speaking of "hitting" & "the show", April needs all eyes forward while walking through a full parking lot. Here's why: after arriving at the Coliseum, we ambled across the parking lot, through the vehicles. She's looking back and getting excited about the details of her previous evening when *BAM* ... she twirls around, the breath knocked out of her, and, luckily for her, the side mirror still attached to the vehicle that she just tried to maim. I exploded with laughter. She walked right into a side mirror, boob first. THAT was funny.

consequences

Last night I went on a severe binge drinking. Unhealthy, I know, and knew even then. I also knew that I would get a speech, because I am loved, in regards to my being out of state where she was not there to talk some sense into me & thus I set myself rampant. I also know full well the complete lashing that I will yet receive for these next few details on how my evening progressed into a "fun" night of disaster.

I started out by waking at 9am and indulging in a Rumplemintz spiked coffee. Then spent over an hour in the fitness room getting my blood circulating before returning to the condo to start cracking open the Bud Light, which I consumed a steady stream of until we left the condo @ 8pm to go dancing. Just prior to walking out the door, I slammed the final shot & half of Rumple & then gleefully follow my crew to the bar. I continued to drink until the bar closed at 1am, by which time I was now guzzling Long Island Ice Teas.

I sang Karaoke when I couldn't even read the words on the screen (too drunk) but managed to entertain my fellow patrons anyway. I danced on the bar & laughed until I couldn't breath. On the bright side of things, I didn't black out & I didn't puke! Yeah yeah yeah. I DID end up with many bruises from various things, as well as a puffy nose because some drunk dumbass fell into my face, head first.

Now, I don't know if it works this way for the rest of the world, but beer gives me gas the next day. I am not ashamed to admit this, merely ashamed of the fact that I accidentally released such a rank critter in April's van that it gagged her ... to the point that she jumped from the van and left what was remaining of her undigested dinner in the parking lot. Ooooops. Sorry hon.

Her response: reason #249 why I should not be a binge drinker.

interesting

Driving along today my 8 & 9 year old are commenting on the clouds.

"Oh look! A huge dolphin!"

I look and all I see is a giant penis. What's that tell you?

watch what you say....

...I'll blog it. Just a quick FYI, via my friendito, April. Tonight we went to Los Tequilos & shared a fajita platter. I L.O.V.E. fajitas :) I am absolutely, positively, indefinitely & undisputably the messiest fajita eater you will EVER meet. Ever. My hand is covered in guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, rice & beans and whatever other tidbits ... and I am licking it all off my hand. She is appalled. I am that kind of friend.

She has noticed that I often quote her in my blogs... she claims the reason she has so many good things to quote is because I make it easy for her, all the weird things I do. I am so inspirational!

tidbits of humor 10-25-08

Dear World: I’m pleased to meet you.

The other night I was helping my son do a crossword puzzle. As smart as people tend to think I am, I struggle with crossword puzzles. But just for the “fun” of it, I decided to give the incredulous world of crossword puzzles yet another try. Obviously, I’m not one to learn from failure. My son, 8 years old, isn't getting very many of the answers. In fact, he has four filled in on the whole page. As I glance through the clues, looking for easy ones I find this: Marathon (four letters). So I ask the kids, what’s a marathon? Tyler’s face light’s up as he says, “Oh, I know this! A GAS STATION!”

Wow.

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping with my mother for the afternoon. In the checkout I spotted a watermelon flavored laffy taffy. Yummy! I haven’t had one of those since I was a kid, so I bought it. While walking across the parking lot to her vehicle I snagged a few bites & then threw it onto the front seat before walking into the next store. Fast forward about 45 minutes where mom & I are sitting out front of the kids’ school when the doors open & children start escaping. I open the car door & step out to wrestle my kids away from their friends so we can head home. However, I feel something a little odd when I try to get out of the car; my clothes don’t feel quite right. Kind of like when you step out of the bathroom & you just KNOW your skirt is tucked into your undies or something foolish. Mom says, “Uh, Triana…” and as I turn to look I catch a glimpse of something moving behind me. Or wait, not quite moving behind me, but more like behind me moving when I move. EEEKK! I grab the rug that used to be a seat cover but is now my ass flag. As I pull in confusion on the rug, I see a sticky string of ….. duh ta da! TAFFY! Stuck to my bum & the rug in a nice pink trail. YUMMY. Can’t wait to sink my teeth into that taffy again.

Also, this is how my life goes: October 7th I had a pretty important birthday party to attend for Bree Olsen. The day before I’m trying to pull together last minute errands for the party while still getting my normal daily duties done. So, I’m breaking in my new high heel sandals (at the bargain price of ONE whole dollar! Fucking GO ME!) while doing the laundry. I also need to tan so I go to the laundry mat that has the $2 tan special while your doing laundry. As I’m leaving the laundry mat w/my big clothes tub piled HIGH, my feet greasy & sweaty from tanning, and me just plain CLUMSY – the combination leads to … oh yeah, that would be me tripping in the parking lot, dropping my entire clothes basket on it’s side, and stumbling into two guys that are staring at me. I twisted my ankle but that’s nothing to having my clean laundry scattered amidst the gravel parking lot & my bra & assortment of odd barely there undies at these two grown men’s feet. N-I-C-E. Luckily, my face was already beat red from the tanning bed so there really wasn’t much blushing for either of them to notice. But I did get a quick lecture on being more careful – from two complete strangers! Aye!

I was chastised for not mentioning this in my last “funny” post – so here it is April! My junior year of high school I wore a fake nose ring to school for many months. I played basketball & we were not allowed to wear jewelry during a game, so before games I would do a quick “jewelry check” that resembled either a catholic prayer or crazy baseball signals, as I checked fingers, belly button, ears, neck line, & lastly, my nose. Coach always got a good chuckle out of watching me do this just before leaving the locker room.

My best friend, also my locker partner, my basketball teammate, and often my ride home from practice, would not talk to me for nearly two months during my nose ring phase. I thought she would just get over it & I truly could not understand WHY she would throw such a big deal over it. I was always pulling crazy, loopy stunts, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like I actually put an extra hole in my nose! We had almost all of the same classes, ate lunch at the same table, spent nearly every minute of the day in close vicinity of each other, yet she would not utter a word to me, nor hardly glance in my direction. Finally, it came out. Not my nose ring, but the reason she stopped talking to me. Her reason: I was being FAKE. According to her, it would’ve been acceptable if it were REAL. Ummm, wow. I have had my hair seventy billion colors, wore up to nine necklaces at one time, had seven piercings in my ears alone, can’t even count how many rings I’d pack onto my fingers & toes, and there is no end to the other atrocious moves I’ve pulled, but she’s peeved at me for faking a nose piercing. Where does that come from?

About five years after high school, I happen to be digging thru some of my old belongings & found the above mentioned offensive nose ring. I was going on a date with my boyfriend & his mom was going to watch the kids for the evening. Just for giggles I pulled out that old nose ring & put it on while getting dressed to go. My boyfriend crinkled his nose & rolled his eyes at me, but didn’t say a word. I had showed it to him earlier in the day & retold the high school story, which is never nearly as funny as when it really happened. We had to stop & get gas on the way out of town so as I’m sitting in his truck staring around I hear a honk from the vehicle next to us. It happens to be his mom w/my kids (3 & 4yrs old)! My daughter’s look was hilarious as she asked, “Mom, what happened to you? What’s on your face?” My boyfriend’s mom rolled her eyes and dryly stated, “Don’t worry kids, she’s just trying to relive her youth. When she comes back, she’ll still be your mom.”

Will I though?