Sunday, May 11, 2008

selfish and insecure

That's me. Selfish. Insecure. Spoiled even. Ok, maybe not so much "spoiled" - but more of a "I've been through too much to really give a shit about anything, so I'm easily pleased" spoiled sorta way.

I want to say fuck it. I want to give up everything. I want to stop hurting. I want to let go. All these "I wants" and yet they're not getting me anywhere. I'm still here. Right here. In the same hell. Only hell doesn't exist. So now what?

Constantly lost.

It doesn't matter what job you have. What city you live in. Who your friends are. Or how many you have. In the end, all you have is yourself. Alone.

But not alone. Because everyone else is exactly the same as you. In moments. In lifetimes. In reality.

Maybe... ok, so not everyone lives in reality, completely. But the big picture is still the same.

The problem is, I hate my life. And I am the only one that can change that. I haven't. Sometimes I think it's because I am just too lazy. Too complacent. Too afraid, maybe? Hold on! ME? AFRAID of change??

I really think I'm just too lazy. Fooled by my own self esteem. Thinking that I'm in control when I'm really just letting go of the wheel. Careening downstream with no direction. Yet not really even moving. Cause here I am. Still HERE.

I'm such an oxymoron. A complete conudrum of idiocracy.

Do I have reasons to be morose & moody? Ehh. I could argue a few points. But the real answer is no. N - O . Everyone deals with the same world. It is what you make of it.

.... Right? .....

Look at what I've let it become.

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