Come chase me from your dream. Wrap my vulnerability up in your pretty little package with the frilly pink bow. Send it off on the overnight express, leaving the return address blank. Wake me up from my nightmares with your kiss as sweet as poison. The hard cold steel of reality pressed tightly to my temple. Your finger jumps on the trigger, anxious for release. Being in love with you came so easily, like inhaling night's soft scents. Allowing hope to linger on. Dragging inevitability to new heights. Innocence could not exist in your overwhelming presence. Petite fairies dancing harmlessly above tall grass as I try to crawl away with dignity. Rescued by the harsh light of day when thoughts of you seemingly cease to exist. Found again each evening as I lay defeated on the ground. Come rescue me. My dreams or yours, either will find my fate.
Summer of '96 - Reunited with my elementary school best friend, Kristy, we headed up to the local fair. At 16 she's apalled that I'm not only still a virgin, but have never even kissed a boy, let alone held hands or anything remotely close to interactive with the opposite sex. Later that night, she talks me into playing truth or dare with her and a local carnie. First kiss on a dare, that's where it all began. From there I spent the night making out with him, exploring the release of the beast that would one day consume me.
Within a month, I lost my virginity while staying the night at my sister's house. My sister was at work, a random friend of a friend stopped by, just out of prison that day. I never asked what or why. He came back later that night knowing I would be alone. It was unromantic, rushed, and meaningless. There was no introduction, no conversation, no prelude. No explanation, no aftermath, no reaction. A few minutes, a momentary interaction, innocence lost, as he walked quickly out the door, disappearing into the night.
That fall brought Ed, my first actually boyfriend. We fucked at night when he was drunk and high; but by day we didn't know each other, besides objectifying me as a joke with his friends. Fall months progressed into Winter, then Spring. Humiliation did nothing for my tender self image. I had always been nothing to everyone, an afterthought at best; to trade in that acceptence for a warmth at night seemed logical. I wanted to be loved, I could settle for being used, at least it was something.
What little inner strength I had accumulated suffered a trecherous blow one Spring evening in '97 when his best friend and self proclaimed brother, a man I knew on a daily basis, the man dating my then best friend Ashley, ripped a hole in my spirit that can never be more than roughly patched over. A day that would become everyone woman's screaming nightmare. Shoving me into the cusions of the couch. Holding down not just my body, but also my mind, will power, and faith in humanity. I couldn't fathom an answer to the horrifying questions racing through my mind. Tears froze, words could never regain their momentum, sanity stuffed loosely back inside a blank body. The lights inside my heart dimmed while the beast that was Terror fed on each agonizing second, turning my wilting flower heart to stone. I kept silent for weeks before emotion over came me, erupting as a vocano covering my friendships and relationship with a poisonous infecting ash.
The Spring months had changed Ed from abusive to doting, but my shattered ego and calloused heart knew not how to deal with it. The heavy dust had settled leaving the crystal clear air choking me with a lost freedom from a soul entranced in captivity. Compelled to break free, I fractured from my relationship with Ed, just before my 17th birthday in May of '97.
Within a few weeks, a random interlude with a fellow park basketball friend furthered my thinking that my body was not mine to give, merely the key to making and keeping of friends of the opposite sex. Then alcohol took it's turn as I earned a relentless lesson from a drunk night in a backyard, shaking my head no as the words slurred to come out. Memories from a few months prior threaten to crush my thoughts and body from the inside out. I couldn't move. Words stuck thick in my throat like soured honey, gripping to the bees nest while the stinging sensations from the angry swarm began to numb my inner revulsion. He walked away after the brief meeting of bodies, leaving me to stumble home broken and used, against my will but helpless to take a stand.
I steered a wide berth from anything and everyone that would even hint at being emotionally consuming from that point forward. October of 1997 broke me free of that spell, yet trapped me in the most devastating of all webs. I sat in a local teen hang-out at nearly midnight when April leaned over and whispered, "I don't know him very well, but I know well enough that you should stay away from him..." Seconds later I looked up into the eyes that would drink the life and soul straight from my injured remains, selfishly and without regret.
Oh to be able to travel back to that night. One aversion of my eyes could have saved my soul from a plightless death.
Oh, you again. Not you. I don't want you. Dammit. You. Frustration flashes. I don't want to talk to you. Can you see, I'm just not in the mood. Not you. Where is he? Oh, it's still you. Frustration escapes me. Focus. Yes. I can do that. I can come over. Don't expect me. I'll be there. Sometime. Now? No. Not now. Pull at my hair in frustration. Always frustration. Always, emotion. Never the right emotion. Sometimes the right emotion. Never real. Always fake. Fake emotion. Playing at my emotions. You do that. No, not you. You. Stop confusing me. I want to come over. I will come over. Don't tell her? Oh. Her. Oh. Frustration jumps again. I want to. You confuse me. You don't care. I care. Why don't you care? Why do I care. Again with this frustration. Always fake. You say I'm wrong. You say I don't believe. I'm not fake. I know what I don't believe. Oh. You again. Why is it you? I don't want you. Why do you want me? Don't answer that. You already have. I don't like your answer. We are alike. We are not alike. I want you. Not him. Dammit. Frustration again. Teeth gritting. Dammit. Go away. Stay away. You disappear too often. Stop disappearing. Can't make up my mind.
Eyes. Often called mirrors to the soul. What do they tell? What secrets do they hold? Lies. Truth. All the gray misty areas in between. Everything, and yet nothing. Translucent to my fears. Opaque to my foes.
I often stare at mine. In the mirror. While passing windows. Every chance I get. I want to know, what hides behind those eyes? What have I hid away, so carefully crafted away, even from myself?
Slowly, some memories return. Etched painfully in the past. Returning to haunt the present and illuminate the future with overcast desperation.
To think, I once rejoiced in the day that I thought life was changing, when then nightmares would end. It was a new beginning. Reality had it though; it was merely an old start. Life reoccuring. I fell into their shoes. I should have seen I coming. I was too young. Too naive.
Cast aside, oblivious to my predicament, life shaped me. Used me. Tore me and bruised me. I had no fight. I knew not what I was fighting, nor what to fight for. Carried through on life's torrents. Even now, safety escapes me.
Can you see through the haze? Can you see through the torment? I don't expect you to. I don't believe you can. Reality screams at me that no one can. I push this false reality away.
I cannot close my eyes at night. I see you in every dream. I want your touch surounding me, but I cannot take this trade. Each scream grows mute inside my chest, silenced by your grasp. The inner me takes over then, reclaiming control once more. The scarce breath I manage to inhale intoxicates my soul. I've come alive against my will.
You do this everytime.
A cold silent tear falls helplessly across my heated face. One swift motion of your lips brushes fear away. My body aches to be held captive. Forgetting that tomorrow I will awake to nothing but that hollow state of loneliness. Strong arms hold me down, or keep me from destruction. My inner battle wanes from retreat to desire. Overcome by the moment, I grasp to pull you closer. Lost inside this fantasy I cannot come to terms.
When spent and weak, my body loosens grip. Quiet release inside myself, the walls regain their shape. Destruction comes so swifly when you show your beautiful face. I have found the answer though hiding deep within. One hand opens gently, and your magic fades away.