Wednesday, December 30, 2009


* Wait, Miss-I-Don’t-Fall-For-Guys is hooked up on someone? How did this happen??!!

* I don’t have any idea. If I knew how, I’d surely undo it.

* What makes him so different than any other guy out there?

* I DON’T KNOW. I don’t understand it at all. That’s an unanswerable question. That’s like asking what makes me so different from any other woman out there. Why are you always so stuck on me?

* When you looked at me and said “Where you happen to live right now does not define who you are” I knew right then you were different from other girls. You didn’t do a u-turn to drop me back off at the shelter. And then seeing you in that black fur coat with your blonde hair all curled up … yeah that really did it for me.

* Ok smarty, that’s enough.

* So, this guy, he’s just like an average Joe?

* No. He’s a spectacular loser. Why else would I have fallen?

Saturday, December 26, 2009


Nights of solitude interrupt the thoughts of you
A body lying next to mine
Warmth spreading fire but cannot touch my soul
A death occured, unnoticed
A time long gone leads to something more
Not seeking comfort in tranquility
A moments peace walks out thru the door
Leaving me alone
Thoughts cascading through this heart of mine
Replacing him for you

A moments hesitation left behind and cast aside
Two entities now one combined
Night's rough passion then ignites the flame
Burning me alive
The flirting of my heart's desire left unchecked
Lying rugged on the floor
But do you see or do you care now
The bitter pieces thrown about
Daylight comes and I am gone again
Replacing you for him

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

below the surface

below the surface
resting in peaceful slumber
where night's soft breeze
releases tensions taught with heat

below the surface
calm and cool and sweet
melodies of thoughts run wild
pleasant moments overflowing in dreams

below the sirface
memories whisper by like clouds
fluttering to and fro
stumbling through darkness in silence

below the surface
departed from all sorrows
left behind the agony of loving
unconditionally alone, forever

that's where I'll be
when you come to look for me
Below the surface.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, December 12, 2009

almost ordinary

Why do you always try to kiss me?
Because you never try to kiss me.
Don't you think that indicates something? Why do you keep trying?
Because I'm attracted to you.
Do you go around trying to kiss every woman your attracted to? And you've had first hand experience at seeing how messed up I am. Stop trying.
Some of the best pieces of art that I've seen are just random messes thrown together. The beauty lies in the flaws, characteristics, and uniqueness of each piece. Beauty is not perfection.
I don't want to be beautiful. Or perfect. I simply want to be ... not a wreck.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

watched you fall

This was a reply to the comments on "saying goodbye" but became so long and meaningful that I felt it deserves it's own post. And I also took a picture of me reaching out in into the darkness; reaching for those who are always there to catch me as I continue to stumble.

@ UPIC: Strength, no. I've become worse than anything ever imaginable. Decisions made that cannot be taken back or undone. Life in ruins. Struggling moment by monment to salvage the remains. Not finding myself successful.
@ Wings: While I love you dearly, it's not your responsibility to be my babysitter. Out of so many days of hell, I cracked one night and elapsed back into chancing the wrong-place-wrong-time syndrome, with no regards as to where that would put me. You have always rushed to my side when life crashes down around me, no matter what the time or distance, when others could not. I don't expect you to run to me everytime I crumble; we both know how frequently that happens.
Again, strength? No, I find myself lacking in that area. I've only ever made it thus far by the strength of those around me. I deal with nothing more than life, the same life as eveyone else.
Today though, I realized that Briana is ten and Tyler is nine. Do you see what this means?! I'm HALF WAY! He cannot affect my life when our bond of raising children has been broken. It can only become easier with time. There is nothing else left for him to do to me.
I've also come to realize that while I cursed him for being gone for six years, I now understand why he was. Without the turn of events, I would not have had my strength in the darkness.

Brooks Meredith Blurring The Edges Watched You Fall

You were my wild companion
we were forever high high high
we burned the night around us
sleeping could wait until we die
You wear the scars of passion
and since the crashing came
You've broken every promise
I walked away

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing
when you crawl

It's such a weary feeling
When you've been stealing from yourself
wishing the world away
blaming someone else
noone can do this for you
straighten your hair
fix your face
Take all the pain inside you
wash it away

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing
when you crawl

Did I hear you?
Did I try?
Can I forgive myself for not standing by?

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing,
laughing when you crawl
I was blind to ya
was lying to you
said I love you but I'm laughing
when you crawl
was blind to ya
you fall
I watched you fall
I watched you

kid banter

Yesterday my 10 year old daughter sitting in the back seat telling her story about getting bruises from the full contact flash cards game at school when 9 year old Tyler, not to be out done in the story telling dept, pipes up out of the blue, "so, I have a sore on my butt." I had the conversation on "low" in the background -- only partially listening to the banter -- until THAT came out. I didn't know which to ask first - why did he think that was an acceptable addition to the conversation ... or why does he have a sore on his butt? And who else has he been telling this to? Of course, I had to catch my breath and stop myself from peeing my pants before anything coherent could come out.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, November 20, 2009

saying goodbye

Stress; let me tell you this. I walked 45 minutes - yeah, in my walking cast, yell at me later - from the bar after 1 1/2 pitchers, one crown & sprite and one shot of something unknown for the birthday boy (I don't recall his name).

I heard the name Wayne fifty fucking times - totally unrelated. Then he started texting me and well, it could have stayed unrelated.It's all bs anyway.

As always, I had a crowd around me, being the "hott new girl". I don't buy it. Maybe it's the effect of the alcohol on all those old men. I left shortly after a bar fight started because one of the late comers thought it would be a smart idea to fake whisper into my ear and try to kiss me. Of course I dodged it, being the master at dodging drunk kisses. Birthday boy saw the kiss attempt and it was on like donkey kong in a matter of seconds.

I walked home, thru many puddles, dark roads, and strangers lurking. I still made it. Why? Because life doesn't fuck with you when you want it to. I'm walkin down the middle of the street at 1am in the middle of November in Fort Wayne, Indiana, on the south fuckn side and guess what?! I'll still be here tomorrow. That's my luck.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Today's random fml: "My girlfriend suffers from persistant sexual arousal syndrome and has over 250 orgasms a day." Does anyone else see the problem here? SUFFERS? Um, no. How does one suffer from this? Hello. What does it say about me that I've avoided blogging forever now because I'm so depressed, but posting about orgasms seems interesting. I need a life... or other stimulation. Mental! Geesh.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, November 8, 2009

unfair words

"You want to be in love so badly, but are so afraid to actually allow yourself to be in love."

"Well what am I suppose to do if he's afraid too? Or just doesn't want it? Huh? It's not me holding back from him this time."

"Well that's life, we all have to deal with what we're given. None of us asked for it."

"That's an unfair come back."

Saturday, October 31, 2009

nobody's reality

Life makes a waste of itself. Hanging precariously onto nothing. Tragedy, bad decisions, regret curled into every action. A moment of elation crushed under the weight of reality.  Nothing more. Endlessly. 

All I ask, all i've ever asked of ... honesty. No games. No false emotions. No lies. Cut & dried, nothing masked. 

Wash away the sorrow, the wistfullness, surrendering to an aching desire for relief - into mind numbing release. Comfort that brings confusion yet hazardously invites chaos. Here I remain, drowning in reality with glimpses of a false triumph lingering in view. 

precipitous edge

Thoughts cascading wearily. Emotions turn upon themselves too easily, devouring sanity, leaving devastation in   the wake. Restlessly wavering on the precipitious edge between elation & desolation. A single step in any direction, disasterlessly complete. Waiting desperately for a slip in any direction.

words to say

Your words come few and far between. The silence remaining deafens my ears. Where are you? Hiding? I don't enjoy your game. I'm not here at your pleasure. Endlessly waiting. 

Today becomes tomorrow, and from tomorrow into yesterday. Silence creeps in again, broken only by the slightest "hey". Dreamily I pretend that today you have made a new choice. Eventually resigning with a heavy hearted sigh, relinquishing myself to the moment of truth. I am nothing. Forever will be. 

Your voice naught but a whisper in my ears from months gone past. Your eyes captured in the flash of light where I gaze relentlessly, imaging half heartedly that the surreptious stare meant only for me. 

These things aren't meant to be. A tear, into the night, then gone.     

Thursday, October 22, 2009

not me

I'm not the fantasy you think you see before you. Not the princess of your dreams. Not the angel from your nightmares. No. That's not me.

I want to hide from life. I want to hold onto everyone. Make the world disappear. Silence the screaming. I want everything. Nothing.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

i, I, I.... iPhone

It's a sad day for some - the Blackberry has been retired. An iPhone was a cheaper upgrade so I made the switch. As usual, I've made a goof out of myself with it already. It's got a nice tilting function that rotates left and right; I thought the phone was messed up within five minutes of having it ... all because I unknowingly had the phone upside down and couldn't figure out why the screen stayed sideways. I'm a danger to society.

This thing has got a pretty sweet spelling "guesser" though. Looking back at some of the words I've typed takes me back to the days of Pamy & trying to help her decipher her own notes. For instance "fosb" = down; "nudt" = just. Yeah, you might not get the humor in this that I do; it's an inside joke.

I can utube, which April loves ... and yet hates. She doesn't get the same results when searching for videos to show me as when surfing on her laptop and therefore gets frustrated. I have full Internet access again, which I LOVE. I can give my thumbs a rest by laying the phone on a flat surface and allowing my index finger to flick about in super speed fashion, which it does well :)
details withheld. Dad, bet your wishing you had laid off this post. One day you'll learn, but probably not!


April and I are sitting at Deer Park tonight; me enjoying my pint of Pabst and her sipping a glass of wine. Yes! I'm not lying, she's sipping wine! We don't get together as much as we were for awhile. My broken foot, lack of license, and the colder months have slowed us down. Tonight refreshed our youthfulness.

While I lost myself in the intoxicating cologne of the oh-too-gorgeous waiter, she leaned surreptiously out of the booth to check him out in passing, and we both giggled like school girls. We played swords with the little plastic oliver skewers until I shattered hers with a downward blow that left her open mouthed for a split second & then pouty faced for the next 30. Mr Gorgeous brought her another sword & play time continued.

As usual, the men conversation lead to both of us lamenting that neither of us finds ourselves cute or attractive in anyway. She tries to lift my spirits by stating that I "go together" beautifully. I disdainfully whip my hand in a circle in front of my face then run my hands thru my hair flipping it erractically in every direction saying "this, this does not go together. This is a mess". She wrinkles her nose stating, "well not like that. Don't do that. That makes you look silly."

So I recant, to someone who is barely a buck ten and doesn't have to worry about hiding the lower 60 roll, that her petite-ness, intelligences, and deep blue eyes are quite an intimidating
combination to most men. She pouts for a moment before bursting, "you have such smooth skin!" and we burst into giggles again at the randomness of our 'arguements'.

There can be no winner in this conversation. Self esteem cannot be obtained with a perfect margarita & an endless supply of friend time, but it sure makes for a fun story, laughs, and memories like no others.

Sent from my iPhone

mind changing

I'm in love with you, don't get me wrong. The issue is, I haven't found you. You exist in my head. There have been times that I thought I found you. Laying by your side, your arms wrapped in mine, I thought for a moment it could be you. Watching your smile from across the table as butterflies turned my stomach into a whirlwind of emotion; feeling your eyes on me as I walk across the street to you; letting my senses take you in as we walk side by side so many times... each moment thinking it could be you. Convinced. Wanting.

Wanting too much? Wanting more than was there, obviously, yet I did not see.

Gulping down emotion. Waiting breathlessly. Afraid to make the wrong move. Every move was wrong. I was incorrect from the start. As I have always been.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

to W.C.

What you want to know:

That when I close my eyes it's you I want to open them and see; it's you that I see when my eyes are still closed. That it drives me insane -- I run for miles with the loudest music I can force through the head phones streaming through my ear piece, drowning out any thoughts, draining my emotions completely. That I bike ride for hours on end, pushing my legs and chest to the point beyond exhaustion, just to fall into my bed hoping for a peace that never comes.

That I remember the oddest things about our walks and talks: chasing rabbits, catching squirrels, the smell of skunks, skateboarding and even laughing about mopeds in the rain. Looking at you smiling about random jokes. Watching your face light up with your boys.

You want to know how I lay in bed and remember you beside me, holding my hand, skin burning skin. What you don't know is how much I regret that night. How I wish I hadn't drank & been so miserable.

That I can't be near you without wanting your lips on mine. How I struggle to let go of you when my arms are around you, even though I try to convince myself otherwise. That I can't stand thinking about you, because your with someone else. That I'm only good enough for you when you don't have someone else.

That I'm in love with you, and I hate it, and I don't even know who you are, really.

What I hate even more is that you won't even give me that honesty.

What else do you want to know? I'll tell you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

cause of my demise

It's pretty safe to say that I don't always put the greatest (or any) amount of thought into the actions I take. Just like the movie Yes Man, I don't say no to many things. If I don't have a good solid reason to say no, then I'll do whatever pops to mind. Obviously, my version of a good solid reason differs greatly from a large portion of the world. Hence you have a picture of me skateboarding barefoot.

On a whim a few weekends ago, April & I purchased skateboards & set out to give it our best shot. Night one left me bruised and sore, but still rearing for action. The end of week one found me in the ER wondering if my foot was broken. I did learn my lesson from the first night - skateboarding barefoot quickly leads to road rash on the underside of the foot. OUCH.

Equipped with tennis shoes on the next outing, no major injuries occurred, but the muscles in my feet were screaming at me to find another alternative to the sneakers. Something just wasn't cutting it. Fooling around in the street in front of my house, I ran inside to change into the only pair of flats that I could think of ... the brown sparklies.

I really can't answer if it were the shoes or just my natural klutziness, but I've been sporting the Frodo Baggins / Quasimodo look to my right foot for just over a week now. I'm not so fond of it myself.

I can't walk, jog, bike ride, or any activity that normally de-stresses me. I'm about to explode!! Crutches ... Not my thing. Between dislocating my shoulders & bruising the palms of my hands, I'd prefer not to even venture off to relieve myself. Gah! Torturous metal sticks!

Last Saturday I spent the day relaxing with my kids, which we usually do at a park or two. We opted for the local library where I gimped around perusing the shelves and slouching in a chair to read for most of the afternoon.

The "highlight" of the day was being drafted into a Rock Band contest ... as a vocalist. My teammates were all under the age of 10. The worst part was the pip squeak behind me who had the guts the blurt, "man, their singer sucks" right in the middle of my rendition of Paramore's "That's What You Get". Big Paramore fan here; don't like that song. I shot him the evil look & determinedly stepped up my game. We scored 3rd place but I didn't stick around for the rewards.

The good news of the week:
* I can now walk around without crutches - for short spurts - at an unbelievably s..l...o.....w pace. I'm getting there.

* I've moved out of the Addam's family residence. My stress level dropped so drastically I think I may be have gone into mental shock.

That's pretty much the only good news I can muster up right now for the week, but it's only Tuesday!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

update on misfortune

The crutches are killing me, and apparently I've grown 2 inches since my Sophomore year of high school. I told the nurse I'm 5'6", as I have been telling everyone for the last 12 years, but my crutches indicate otherwise. For three days I hobbled with them set at 5'6" before finally giving in to adjust them an inch -- moved the setting to 5'7". That wasn't exactly comfortable either; the next day I bumped 'em up one more to 5'8" and PRESTO! Comfort zone.

Bruising has travelled throughout my foot & lower leg which I find amazing because I didn't hit anything. I didn't crash. I just stepped backwards and downwards ... POOF ... I crumbled into a lil heap wondering what in the (H E double hockey sticks) just cracked and WHY.

The swelling has relenquished a tiny bit this morning. Maybe recovery is on it's way??

el primero

I wish I could that say it doesn't matter; but the fact is that it does.

I want to think that I don't care; that's just not the truth.

I want to cry, but not shed a tear.

The release ....
I feel so selfish for wanting the release.

Close my eyes
and breath slips peacefully away
the struggle ...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

don't feel me

The worst is over now.

I can fake it with the best of anyone.

I don't know much... and I can guess the rest.

What I've learned in the past 24 hrs:
Don't try to hop without crutches while not wearing a bra. It damages other areas. Crawling simplifies life.

Best quote of the week:
Man says to the woman, "Here, try on my pants."
"I can't get into them"
"I know, and don't you forget that. I wear the pants in this relationship."
Wife retaliates, "Well here, try on my panties."
"I can't get into them."
"That's right, and keep up your fucking attitude and you never will!"


Frodo Baggins foot still plagues me. Doctor says I can't drive. Lucky me.

Is that like strike two on the driving scene?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

frodo foot

Still laid up in the evenings, but I made it through 10 1/2 hrs at work today. Co-workers swung by to check on me & offer me a hand for anything I needed all day. My Supervisor surprised me with a cup of java my style: 1/2 coffee, 1/2 hot chocolate, along with a chunk of French Toast casserole brought in for the carry-in. I'm loved :)

My "good" armpits held out for yet another day of crutches.

Let me just say that my 3 1/2 days on the couch have caught me up on 3 years of tv. The red team on Biggest Loser, Sean & Antoine, you're my new hereos. Kelley, you purple flea bag, karma's got plans for a nice brunch at your lunch table, hoochie. That's all I have to say about that.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Monday, September 28, 2009

watch your step

Graceful has never been a word used to describe me. Nor has coordinated ever been. Let me sum this picture up in one word:


Ironically not a dare devil attempt, or even motion in general. I stepped off the board to allow my daughter to have a go, apparently walking is my issue. I stepped, twisted, and crumbled.

Poor April sat by my side as her 3 munchkins kept my oldest 2 busy in the hospital ER room. Nothing broken, as I had originally feared, merely sprained my foot. I wish it were only as "merely" as that word implies.

I'm off my bike, board, and any other foot activity for a few weeks. The crutches give me one heck of an upper body workout though.

I casually expressed my fear that a crutch would slip out of my armpit mid stride and I would go kiltering off to the side, injuring my foot again and making me look like a goof falling in front of whomever, because that's how my life works, to my roommate Tammie. She shakes her head no.
"You have good armpits honey"

Good armpits? Is that possible?
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Friday, September 25, 2009

p.b. and ... pinto beans?

My crazy mind has been concocting wild peanut butter creations. One day I’m going to create a line of peanut butter items, including:
pop tarts
coffee creamer
breakfast pizza (just picture it: pb & honey, pb & banana, pb & marshmallow, and the infamous pb&j)
chewing gum
hot chocolate flavor
dipping sauce (for chicken, pretzels, crackers)

This morning got off to a slow start for me. I needed to pep it up with some caffeine but I don’t drink pop (because of the taste more so than the health ramifications). Coffee doesn’t rank on my list of favorite drinks and I haven’t found a creamer that really changes my perspective yet. I have a jar of honey flavored creamy peanut butter in my desk drawer (for inspirational purposes) and a few Hershey Kisses. A spoonful of peanut butter & a Hershey Kiss changes coffee from BLECH into YUMMY!

While I’m on the food kick, some ideas for ranch dressing aficionados:
Scrambled eggs
Mexican rice

**This extreme craziness may be the effect of the giant carry-in that has been set up right across the tiny little 6-foot make-shift wall directly behind me. I can smell everything.**

When Diane came to get me for break this morning, she stopped to sniff the aroma; “Smells like McDonald’s ketchup.” All I smell is chili & nachos. McDonald's ketchup? Really?

Yesterday, in my 10th hour of work, I hung up the phone disgusted with the goofy UHC representative that I had just spoken with and loudly exclaimed “Cheese & Rice!” in exasperation. My supervisor replied, “Pinto Beans?” from around the corner.
“You said Cheese & Rice, but I don’t know why, so I replied Pinto Beans.”
“Uh, Cheese & Rice is my replacement phrase for the J.C. phrase, get it?”
“Ooooooh! How about Mac & Cheese instead?”
“….. You don’t get it.”

I maintain that it is the work environment – there’s something in the air here that breeds dysfunctional brain cell activity.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

seeing red

Standing at the time-clock
digging in my purse for my badge to swipe out for lunch
the line behind me growing
realization that the annoying thing dangling from my shoulder
restricting my view from my purse
IS my badge
the one that I’m searching for


pushing the door open
realizing my wrist is still painfully sore
the heavy door pushing back against me
eeking out a slight *ouch*
letting go of the door to catch it with my hip
the hip that I’ve also bruised from the same skateboarding fall
jumping away from the door
cursing at my stupidity

Diane mildly stating
“Doesn’t matter what color you try to cover it up with, you’re still a blonde.”
They say freak
When your singled out
The red...
It filters through
So lay down
The threat is real
When his sight
Goes red again
Seeing red again

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

v8 anyone?

Remember that commercial for V8 where the whole world is tilted? "Should've had your V8!" Not one of my favorite drinks, but the advertisement came to mind after April & I took these pics.

I don't know that words will do justice to the rampage that presented itself as my life last Friday, but here we go in an attempt.

* Wake up sicker than haydes & already 15 mins past the time that I'm supposed to be at work. What does this mean? CALL IN!

* Stumble into the bathroom to take a long hot shower to clear my head, only the switch produced no light, merely the empty clicking of a route uninhibited by electrical current. What? Thought ... process ... not ... coherent ... only .... severe .... pounding. Back to bed. FLOP

* Awake again just after Noon. Text roommate WHY DON'T WE HAVE ELECTRIC? DID YOU PAY THE BILL?? YOU NEED TO DUMP THAT GUY, HE'S SUCKING YOUR MONEY DRY & I WANT TO SHOWER!! Receive text back: car wreck, block is out.

* Phone battery dead. Plug it in. Hmmmmm, doesn't work so well when no current is flowing, much like my thought process for the day.

* Decide to push myself out the door for a bike ride to clear my head & stimulate my body. Agony. Every. Mile.

Finally make it to the bike shop nearly 10 miles away (normally that trek would have been a breeze, Friday I felt like I was pedaling into a hurricane -- inside my head). My bike wheel shakes like the Beast at Six Flags. They don't have time, bring it back tomorrow.

* Stop at my favorite coffee shop for a smoothie & a leak. Within 15 minutes I discover my bike --- stolen. I'm not excited. At this point I'm stranded 10 miles from home but in so much misery that I don't even have the energy to be pissed. I do hope the wobbly bike wheel throws your punk rotten ass into the river.

* Fuk it. I'm gonna drag my ass the 9 blocks to Derek's new tatt shop & get some ink I've been craving. Ink makes the pain disappear. His new printer & scanner seem non-cooperative & thwart my attempts at happiness.

* Shuffle around the park with April after she rescues me, only to have my trackball jump right outta my phone into a dozen pieces, gone. No trackball. Just an empty hole where my phone's soul leaked out. I now have 8 myspace alerts, 6 facebook alerts, and 143 emails & text messages. All unread. Taunting me with the first two or three words of each, giving me a peek, yet withholding all the juicy details contained in each message.

* My head still pounding like Thomas the Train invited the entire cartoon clan to freight race through my neurons.

Only one day. ONLY ONE DAY!

Monday, September 21, 2009

l8er sk8er

New adventures!! Pay close attention to the split to the right, down under the bridge ... it became my demise.
April going Pro already. Natural skills. I'm simply a natural disaster **but a fun one at least**

April & I go for an extended walk nearly every night, almost always strolling by the Lawton Skate Park; the grace and excitement of the skaters enticing & beckoning to the both of us. Yesterday, on a whim, we bought our own boards & eagerly hit the River Greenway to give 'em a spin. I wore flip-flops, not exactly conducive to skateboarding, thus I ditched 'em on a nearby picnic table and skate barefoot. I'm cool like that. Maybe crazy like that instead?

Eventually we attempted the bigger hill as the slight incline & straight-away because progressively easier to manuever. My bum didn't like that idea ... and still doesn't. No major catastrophic events, merely bruising, stiffness, and a whole lotta fun!

We even managed to hula hoop afterward, not while on the skateboards of course. Maybe later in the week....


People rarely believe the quirky stories I have to tell.
* the punk that smooshed a fudge round on April's van window, while we sat in the vehicle
* the masses of idiots that approach me with a zillion non-sensical questions & requests
* the guy that simply wants to switch blackberry condoms (what else do you call a rubber cover?) while sitting at the bar
* the freak that said I was to weird for him to continue texting me

Every night, it's always something new; I dare not say exciting. A peek into last Wednesday ......

** this is where the scene does the blinky-fading-wavy thing and we travel back to last hump day ... me wearing gray dress capris & a sleek black v-neck blouse, complete with black strappy heels (and not so much in the red/dark hues that the camera captured that night) **

Mom's up from KY for a visit. We decided to go to the Neon Armadillo to sing. What better to sing than Rob Zombie - Dragula in a country western bar, but that didn't come to the end of the night.

My ex-punk-rocker-chicka now family-mom-friend Diane, also co-worker (for the second time), joined our jaunt. She hears my daily stories and shakes her head with disbelief every time. Tonight she has front row tickets.

Mom & I arrive earlier than Diane & picked a quiet table near a back corner. I manage to avoid all the oddeties at my hidden table with only some glances & staring in my direction. Before too long, Diane arrives & we decide to move up to the front row of tables, yet still by the wall. Ahn dehn ..... catastrophe.

The middle aged gent sitting two table over becomes one table over. *blink* He's standing at our table. Shade Jones. I know the name immediately (it's my business to know these things in the local music scene) but I don't let him know that, and he raves on.
His band blah blah blah
His Johnny Cash routine blah blah blah
So-and-So-Big-Star requested SHADE JONES blah blah blah
***** and he never shuts up, never notices that I'm staring away, never registers that my partners for the evening are giggling at my actions, never guesses that I'm not impressed *****
Until I look at him brazenly & bluntly, stating that I don't listen to his music and really don't give a shit about his ramblings.


A momentary resolution. He leaves. I breathe a sigh, but before I can recoup I'm smacked with round TWO. Tall and lanky, his opening line foolishly falls out of his lips, "I'm the only hillbilly in here." I wanted to retort, "no, but you're surely the biggest dumb-ass" but a mere glance around told me that more than a few could give him a run for his money that night. Really? THAT's your pick-up line? My mom takes that cue & poses her giggly childish act. He baits onto mom's attention {boom} conversation ensues. I steal a glance at Diane who can barely contain her astonishment & mirth that such random things DO happen in my world. Hillbilly paces away and peace restores itself.

Again, only momentarily.

Mr. Moustache stops by to bestow upon us the romantic ideas he has for his Limo service. At this point I've lost most of my patience, ok so ALL of my patience. I am not at all nice to him, but he still doesn't leave! He stares at me for moments, then declares that I'm spunky but he likes it. A-M-A-Z-ing. No thanks. He doesn't stop though, and pushes on asking how I'd like my significant other to take me on a moonlit limo ride with a personal masseuse and a bottle of my favorite wine taking me to where ever I want for the night. WHY DON'T YOU GET THE POINT THAT I'M NOT IMPRESSED BY YOUR ROMANTICISM & FURTHERMORE, WHAT BOYFRIEND WOULD THAT BE? Diane takes this as her que to finally get a good jab in, "I can see that your next boyfriend will be a limosine owner" and she doubles over with laughter - or pain - as I stomp her foot under the table. Rescued by the karaoke DJ who calls limo driver up to sing, I take the chance to breathe as Diane laughs giddily about the nights events thus far.

Yet it is not over. No. It only gets better. Buckle up. Also, now is a good time to swallow any food or drinks prior to preceeding. I'm only warning you...

Shade goes up for a song, points across the room & says he's singing this one for "the ladies over there to dance to" - pointing to our table, the only occupied table on our side of the bar. Hillbilly pops up, quickly strides across the room in a bee-line straight to stand at our table to break the night's record for unprecedented jacked up moments. Standing straight across the table, knowing that my MOTHER sits directly to my right, he stares straight at me to ask, "Do you fool around?"

I don't have words. Speechless. Jaw agape. Bewildered that he asked and surely he doesn't mean .... does he? Oh his next lines sealed the fate of that question.

"Ok, if you don't, will you just lay there so that I can?"

SERIOUSLY? I couldn't get W.T.F. out of my mouth quickly enough. Nonchalant, he turns and walks out the front door with a shrug of his shoulders. Completely aghast Diane turns to me LOUDLY, "Do you give off a damn scent or something? WHAT IS IT? I've never seen anything like it!"

Before I can completely react, my mom [ the woman who gave me life, who raised me, who has reflected her life knowledge upon me during the most tender years of my childhood ] responds only with "Ewww, what guy would only want a woman to just lay there?" Appropriate responses from a mother whose daughter just got creeped on by a sleeze at the bar ... nothing along those lines, for sure.

Anyone still wondering why I'm dysfunctional?

Monday, September 14, 2009

do I wanna go?

I'm really nervous about the appointment I have at 8:15 in the morning. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to work right after & not be ... Ugh!

In my attempt at cheering myself up, here's the funny stuff from this week:

My boss doesn't like Chamomile & Mint tea ... because she doesn't like anything that tastes like pickles. ?????? I have no idea how this relates.

The new guy at work, in a building of, oh, rough guess 200 women & 20 men, carries a transformers lunch box & has a Megatron figure on his desk. Wtf? I can't even bring myself to look him in the eye for fear of bursting out in giggles.

The "I don't like pickle-tea" supervisor called me aside the other day because one of my co-workers told her the spreadsheets the boss emailed was jacked up. Boss knows I'm computer program queen in my dept & so she comes to me asking for help & nervous that she's somehow ruined a report. I take a .0002 second look at the 'issue' and tell her to advise the other computer illiterate to print in landscape view - it will solve the jacked up spreadsheet. Is that really a difficult concept? It made me laugh though.

Time to force myself off to "sweat dreams" as my most recent text says. Gotta faced the piper in a few short hours! Bad news bears in Triana-land.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

swing life away

I managed to make oatmeal soup today. Just for the record, not something I recommend.
*shrugs shoulders*
You probably don't want to ask.

I also discovered that in the battle of ear piece headphones & bike tire as I'm riding down hill ... bike tire obliterates heaphones into at least 6 different pieces, of varying lengths. Sadness.

Another tiny little note: not everyone reacts pleasantly when I shout "Don't fall in the river; I'm not coming in after you!" as my son teeters his bike at the edge of the drop off trying to stay upright after nearly wrecking. What? Was that the wrong thing to yell? Well, there were some unhappy passer-bys.

I've stumbled across the following humble lil song, it transports me back to the simple mellow days (whenever those were):

Rise Against
Swing Life Away

Am I loud and clear,
or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm,
or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer,
or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine,
if you show me your's first.
Let's compare scars,
I'll tell you who's is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages
and replace them with our own words...

We live on front porches and swing life away.
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long,
Think that it's time to move.
The winter's so cold,
summer's over too soon.
Let's pack our bags and
settle down where palm trees grow.

I've got some friends,
some that I hardly know.
But we've had some times
I wouldn't trade for the world.
We chased these days down with talks of
the places that we will go...

We live on front porches and swing life away.
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

Swing life away...
Swing life away...
Swing life away...
Swing life away...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

hump day in coolsville

In honor of Mr McKnob, here's my tribute to hump day - 5 things to hump this Wednesday:

1. The guy that still wears tight black jeans & a black muscle tank top at the park. Everyday. He creeps me out.

2. The head honcho of our corporate office who decided we can no longer flex our work schedules around doctor appointments, kids' activities, and life in general.

3. Utah. The whole state of Utah. Does it really have a purpose? I don't want my kids moving there!

4. The punk that slapped a Little Debbie Fudge Round on the windshield of every vehicle sitting in line at the railroad crossing at 11pm on Engle Road Monday night. Happy Labor Day to you Jack-Off. April laughed hysterically while I jumped & nearly pissed myself. (Maybe I have an issue with wetting myself...)

5. The chunky dude that pulled up next to us at the next light asking if he could have our fudge round. Does this happen to ANYone else???!!!

Monday, September 7, 2009

family specialty

Saturday the kids & I cruised down the river greenway for a 20+ mile bike ride. This picture shows the nice dirt pile my son landed in the SECOND time he went careering off his bike due an inappropriately placed sign. The city of Fort Wayne should really look into a better placement strategy for these signs, as I have also flipped off my bike after smacking straight into a sign post. I can't complain too much though, as they do place them in areas surrounded by grass or soft dirt, thus the landing is softened slightly.

In other news, my daughter slammed on her front brake so forcefully that she flipped off the front of her bike but managed to land on her feet. Her bike, however, landed on my leg. Just when my softball welts & battle wounds were fading away...

Sunday, September 6, 2009


An introduction to Moo-Shu ... Last summer my 17 year old niece brought a stray calico kitten home and named her Moo-Bear. This past spring I stopped over to my sister's house to chat, and off-handedly commented about how Moo-Bear didn't have long to go. Dumbfounded, sis hadn't realized that just under a year old & not quite full grown, Moo-Bear had heard mother nature's calling & gotten herself a piece, and now was ready to pay the piper.

The next weekend while crashing over at my sis's pad, Moo-Bear hopped into bed with me at 10am, just when I was stretching to wake up. Poor Moo-Bear didn't know what was going on as the contractions tighten her young body. I yelled for my daughter to bring me some old towels from the basement while I comforted the mama-to-be. As big around as she had grown, I had predicted her to have 2, probably 3 in her pouch; instead she had one monster yellow tabby cat that came out the size of a 6 week old.

My sister's boyfriend made his usual jokes about "garfield being in the chinese wok" - hence the name Moo-Shu sprung from Moo-Bear.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time passes. As I blink, life progresses. From fitting into the palm of my hand, to jumping playfully at strings, he's already the size of his mama.

Each moment in life, I wait painfully for the depression to pass, never realizing all the wonderful things I'm missing mean while, until the moments pass. Are they really gone? Can I relive what I've shut my eyes to?

My new focus: keeping my eyes & ears open to life. Oh, except for the 45 minutes in my uncle's car when he's singing along to a Celine Dion cd; I'd like to forever close my ears to that.


Last Friday night April & I ventured to Columbia Street West to watch a pair of our local favorites, Teays Vein & Sirface. I made a successful fool out of myself, dancing recklessly and chatting randomly, as per my usual. April shakes her head and laughs, and says the dance floor feels naked when I take my inevitable potty breaks.

In true sportsmanship fashion, there were many other members of various local bands mingling about for support & good times. I ran into a younger gent that I knew from a particular band so I struck up a conversation. He said I looked familiar & asked my name, so I told him. Immediately he doubled over laughing; saying he remembers exactly who I am. He informed me that nearly 2 years prior I had shot him down when he tried to get my number from that same bar on the front patio. Wow. He remembered that shit? He said he tried and tried to get my digits that night but I kept laughing and walking away saying, "not tonight hon." Yep. That's exactly what I used to do. Amazing.

Do I really make such an impact on people? 2 years after a drunken night rejection? (He was drunk, I was sober and working, which makes it even more amazing that he recalled any of it.) Did I mention 2 years? Some where in the neighborhood of 24 MONTHS. I'm not talking like last weekend, or a few weeks ago. That just blows my mind.

On top of that, I recognized the guy who caught me in a open-mouth-insert-foot situation once upon a time **like that ever so rare** Let's travel back to my waitressing days, probably around the year and half ago mark...

As I passed by a table with two gents, one calls to me to ask if I had ever heard of the band V****. I stopped mid stride, turned, to the table, and asked, "Why, are you friends of theirs?" - to which both shook their head nope. My loose lips blabbered, "Worst crap I've ever heard in my LIFE, don't know how they ever got a gig anywhere, neither of the two female vocalist should ever try to utter a note again, and their "band" had no harmony and played like shit together."

One guy nearly rolls out of his chair laughing, the other tells me he's the bass player.
I'm honestly not sure whether his face or mine turned the deepest shade of crimson, but I'm sure it was a pair. Lessening my shame, I find out that Mr Bass Player had quit the week before. Still a hard pill to swallow that I had so openly & ruthlessly just bashed his playing.

Fast forward back to this past Friday night, I walked past Mr Bass Player & before I put the past together with the present, I smiled and said, "Hey, I remember you..." It was at that very moment that the words slipped through my lips that the past conversations came into clear view ... while I stood there speechless once again, making myself the fool. He chuckled, saying yep, he remembered too.

Pictured: Sirface @ Columbia Street West 9/04/09.

Friday, September 4, 2009


Tired of caring.
Why should I?
You may grasp at relationships,
But I have come to terms.

It is what it is.
Life will not change.
I will not adapt.
I am, who I now am.

You do not like it.
I do not care.
Get in line.
You will not change me
Because you did not care.
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

words unspoken

I haven't been blogging lately, though I've had some really good conversations to blog about & have received several hints as to what would make good blog material ... *April* I'm fairly sure the comment about whose quote would be next was in reference to my lack of post on our recent conversations. The thing is, I just don't have it.
No creativity.
No drive.
No desire.
Everything I want to say, I've already said in so many ways. Redundancy irks me, so I avoid it *mostly*. The stark reality is that LIFE is redundant. Over and over. I need to come to terms with that.

I've big news that also lends itself to why my posts are lacking, I've learned to pry myself away from my crackberry for large periods of time. I used to jot everything note worthy down in the notes section of my phone as it came up in conversation, but I no longer have my phone as a 24/7 attachment to my right hand. My depressed mind just doesn't keep up with thoughts like it used to. I feel fairly independent not having to have my crackberry fix as often per day. Liberation!

I want to just say some things today. They mean nothing and will go no where, but I feel better releasing them from my head.

I could've been the woman of your dreams, but you keep dating these ugly nazi chics and ditching me. What's up with that? But most of all, why the fuck am I stuck on it!?!? Why was it so important to you to have me as a friend when you don't even talk to me when I finally gave in? I want to control this gut reaction and this emotional rush that over comes me. When I do, it will be the last of me. You ask why I'm so mean; it's not a meanness of character, it's a defense mechanism.

I just want to say, STOP FAKING IT! Stop pretending that you've found your soul-mate when you're so miserable that you call me saying you want to commit suicide. Stop using me as an emotional roller coaster. Stop whining about the tiny little things that aren't going right & make the change instead of looking for someone to band-aid it! Stop latching onto every relationship that throws itself at your feet.

You are him, that man that I hate.
What the fuck is that attraction in life?

Lonely? So am I. Better than being miserable.
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Friday, August 28, 2009

just for fun

London's advice: copying what others do may not always put yourself in the brightest situation, but sometimes it's just for fun.
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safety first

Kurt says to never leave the house without safety goggles. You just never know when you may get poked in the eye. Word of the day. Or, maybe advice of the day.
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Thursday, August 27, 2009

to be me

* I dropped a lava lamp on my big toe. « It wasn't even my lamp »

** I fell off my bike while it wasn't even moving. « I am that cool »

* I ran into the doorway going into the bathroom at work. « I hope no one was looking »

** I then smacked my forehead into the toilet paper dispenser cuz I thought something was on my shoe. « Only I can walk out of the bathroom with more bruises that when I walked in »

* My phone doesn't allow me to send or receive texts messages anymore. « That's basically like taking away my air »

** My drivers license is suspended. « I feel like I'm 15 again »

* I'm a loser magnate. « I attract normal guys too, but I never connect »

** The tiny lil racing seat on my sister's bike is not made for my bum. « I'm sore where I shouldn't be sore »

* The handlebars on my sister's bike leave bruising around my wrists that my co-workers are convinced are from 'playing' with hand cuffs. « I only wish that I were that lucky »

** I discovered that the girls at Show Girl 3 like my piercings. « It wasn't voluntary, but I didn't mind either »

* I keep checking for the message that's not there. « I don't know what I would really do if it were there »
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Saturday, August 22, 2009

not what they see

This picture really has nothing to do with the intentions of my post today, but it's one of my favorites. I took it myself, of me. It's a bit on the edgy side, but that's what intrigues me.

I want to look at a picture one day, or in the mirror even, and see what someone else sees. What anyone else sees, instead of the distorted perception.


The randomness that hit my plenty of fish mailbox today:

#1. "Fine.
Be that way."

I read & deleted his original message without responding. I checked his profile, wasn't interested, and his original message was simply, "Hi, I'm ***, care to chat?" Nope. I sure didn't. He must've checked his sent messages to find that I had read & deleted the messages because within a few hours I received the "Fine. Be that way." Hello, isn't it my right?? If I don't want to chat, because there is nothing that catches my eye, then why would anyone get upset over a lack of response? Just take it as a sign that I wasn't worth your original message & therefore I saved you the trouble of going through a few email correspondences to figure that out. My response, cuz I just couldn't let THAT go....
If I didn't respond, then you should just consider it as I wasn't worth your time anyway. Life has bigger issues than who doesn't respond to an email, right? There's no reason for you to send me a message about not responding. Life goes on. I have a profile on here because I like to meet new people from time to time. Now just isn't one of those times. I have lots of guys interested in me everyday, online & in real life. As conceited as it may sound, there's no possible way for me to converse with every
person that shows an interest in me. I'm not stuck on myself by any means, but for some reason I attract a lot of people, guys & girls. Not sure why. Just like you don't understand why I don't respond to everyone who may show interest, I don't understand why one person here & there gets so upset because I don't respond. Is it really that deep that I don't respond? Doesn't that put me on a pedestal that I don't belong on? My response is not that important.
He must've gotten the point because I received "Yea ur rite".

#2. "NICE ...
I rated your photo a VERY SOLID 10
Yes my age is correct. I believe in honesty. Don't let the age fool you though. I don't mean to be crude, rude or whatever, but just want you to know I am still active (or was) without the help of any pills.
You will never know the advantage and how good an older man is until you try ME.
Yours, *****

Well... his age issue, he's 75. SEVENTY-FIVE. Yeah, I don't have any age issues, but a 75 year old man just offered to pleasure me. THAT I have an issue with. I could be his great-grand-child!
Also, his profile lists that he's looking for women in the age range 60-90. Last I checked, nope, not there yet!
Until I try him? Is he trying to write a commercial? Hello. He must have retired from a sales position of some sort, because he definitely wrote the lines to sell ... something ... I'm just not in the buying mood.

#3. "hey sexi girl wanna talk or hangout holla at me 1 *** 586 9447 and we can see where it takes us beautiful. *********"
His screen name is something along the lines of 'Ridendirty' and he sent me a rose along with the email. His profile wasn't too bad, until his interest randomly came around to -
hangout with friends and sniff my beagle lol i'm always down with family activities or going out to have fun i like to travel i own my house and my car and maybe i can love you too love ya bye. i would take her to a nice restaurant to eat then maybe a movie or a night club depends what she likes all know what she likes when i meet her lol or maybe just take her to my house and watch something on my big screen there's always fun happening with me never know then take her home and give her a big bear hug and tell her i had a great time and go home and call her the next day.
Excuse me? Did I read that correctly?? SNIFF MY BEAGLE? Love ya bye? Bear hug? It gets even MORE exciting when I realize he has one 'normal' profile picture, but his second
picture is with RONALD MCDONALD. For real.
I'm thinking he sniffed way too much sharpie while snacking on Elmer's in Kindergarten. Instead of the Easy Button, I need a HELLO button, complete with sarcasm & some sort of eye roll.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

in my footsteps

I took a 2 hour walk downtown today.

Gave my number to the sweet gent that could barely speak English, but did his best to ask to take me out for ice cream.

Laughed and walked away from the player who asked if I was going to meet my boyfriend and could he get my digits so he could be my next boyfriend.

Ignored the guy that walked by staring me down like a piece of meat, even after he said hi.

**Really, there is a lot to be told by a man's eyes and how he looks at you.**

Fought a strong urge to kick off my flip flops and hop a small fence into the lushes tall green grass on the other side, begging to be treaded through barefoot. Also resisted kicking them off to wade into the softly rushing, blue green waters of the fountain I sauntered past.
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

out of your shadows, forever

You're sorry for hurting me?
Two girlfriends in one month.
But you're sorry you lied to me?
I'm not buying it.
All the warnings, I didn't heed.
Everyone telling me, stay away.
I didn't stay.
I went anyway.
Always the losers.
It's my destiny.
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Saturday, August 15, 2009

shadows of my soul

For nothing.
No, not waiting.
I will not change.
Not for you.
Yes, for you.
When you come.
When you find me.
When I find you.
But I am not looking.
I am not waiting.

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Monday, August 10, 2009

corrupted by attention

Due to some personal issues that have hit me in the last week, namely that I have spent a majority of the week in jail due to something presumably beyond my control, and that I go back to court in the morning to be sentenced and therefore may not be around blogland for awhile. Here are all the drafts I have been working on for the past several months & never finished...

This one, corrupted by attention, I saved to post last in order to explain the next 5 posts from today (quote me, there is no lower, timelessness, shadows within, and my fairy tale). This one I started nearly 3 months ago. I was side tracked by life, and by falling for someone that as usual, I shouldn't have fallen for. Hello Mr Shady:

"Fuck this. Is it worth it? For us to fight and drag it on? Fuck this. Is it worth it? To blame each other for our faults? Fuck it. Let it go. Move on. Start new."
~ The Army Within ~ We'll Get Through ~

This morning I woke to find 2 text messages from 2 different guys saying, "good morning Beautiful". I had a 3 minute voicemail that began the same way. At 2pm, yet another enthusiastic vm, again the same "Beautiful", but not the same voice. I'm constantly told that I'm beautiful, but I don't see it & I certainly don't buy into it.

My reflection looks back at me with bright blue eyes encompassed in puffy dark circles, thanks to genetics. My pale skin often showcases angry red areas on my chin and nose. My pudgy face sports very little resemblance to any sort of elegant jaw or neckline.

Yes, I have big boobs, but that package comes with an extra large spare tire resting on my mid section, and approximately ten acres posting as a rear end. My knees and ankles swell constantly; there's nothing remotely feminine or sexy, that I can find, on my body. I am broken by age and child birth.

I watch people, everywhere. Is there life so different from mine? Does everyone struggle with their image as I do? Does everyone struggle with life as I seem to do?

I have no problem picking up men. Or women for that matter. But why? And why is it never the right one? The one that takes my breath away. The one whose kiss melts my defenses and sneaks the key from my hiding place to release the emotions so carefully protected in my heart.

*rescue me*

quote me

Random stuff to make you think ... and hopefully chuckle:

"Trust me, that after market stuff; Its like sleeping with a 12 year old boy with 2 softballs taped to his chest." *Ahem* Can you guess what this refers to?

Sometimes nobody's right, sometimes nobody's wrong. Song lyrics from Buck 69.
*edit* While searching for a link inform my readers of the awesomness of Buck 69, whom I've seen perform in both Fort Wayne, IN & Toledo, OH, I found THIS youtube which happens to be from the Toledo, Smoke on the Water event that I attended (I'm sitting right directly in front of the stage, but I can't tell if you can see me when the video sweeps). The video made me chuckle. The quality isn't great, but the little boy in the end cracked me up. And it's even the song that the lyric came from!

I Get Off by Halestorm is playing on the radio, My 10 year old asks if it's Taylor Swift singing. Oh honey, please grow up with better taste in music :) Follow the links for the REAL effect of this humor.

April logic, not Triana logic. This I cannot explain, but if you follow wing seeker then you know, this statement is FUNNY. Or not. April & I think it's funny & that's what counts! HA ha ha!

there is no lower

Can't put into words
What you do to me

Crying behind hidden eyes
Tears washed away by rain

Waited all day for the "hey"
that didn't come
Waited forever ...
for what?

For confusion


I wrote this one probably 4 months ago when my friend was struggling with an age gap in a new friendship. I never got around to posting it, for whatever reason. Here ye be...

I get hooked up on age at times. Who doesn't? When the moment passes & time for reflection rears its head, the hang up is often silly. Who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to lay a judgment that at a specific year in life an individual has experienced & prevailed through enough of life's adversities to be considered mature or worthwhile? Who's to say exactly when the diamond in the rough really begins to sparkle?

While there are some solid arguments of course, the real deal is that people are unique, situations are unique, lives are unique. Don't ask if such & such is too old or too young (unless LAW states so) - consider who he/she really is ... go from there. Allow life to take its course without hindrance from silly notions and limitations.

Some random stories: In 2006 I was leaving Phoenix Hill Tavern completely sober; I was a water drinker in those days. Stopping to say goodbye to some friends, the guy next to me says out of nowhere, "I'm going home with her". I laughed, "yeah ok" - I hadn't ever seen the guy prior to that exact moment. Within a few minutes I turned to go to my car. He followed. Being me, or the beginning of "me" in those early days, I shrugged my shoulders and went with it.

Nearly 30 miles outside of Louisville he asks if I want to know his age. Oh HELL no. Say what? MoFo I picked you up at a bar, past 21, I don't care. If I'm going to jail, you're getting dropped off on the highway. He was 18. I asked for ID.

I didn't turn around.

I took him home the next day after work, at which time I also learned his name was Paul. Funny side anectdote, I only learned his name when I returned from work to find him sitting on my couch, my mom in the kitchen making dinner. I attempted to have some manners & introduce them even though they had obviously spent the day together in the same house. "Mom this is ...." and I left a blank, where he promptly smiled at me & said "Paul." Within a few minutes I was on the road to take him back to Louisville when he smiled at me and asked if I really hadn't paid attention to his name from the night before. I didn't lie. I hadn't expected to find him still at my house when I got home, and I sure as hell didn't give a shit about his name.

One night stand, hello my name is...

I tried to be a smart ass & said, "You probably don't remember my name either, so whatever." The response, "Triana, and I'll never forget it beautiful." Guess that put me in my place.

Back to the point of this post:
One of my absolute best guy friends, Kurt, is 20 years my senior. At times, we are inseparable. Other times we may go weeks without communications, only to pick up right where we left off the month before. We are so close at times that many people think we're dating. He's just that close to me, and we click mentally, but not on the dating level. I'm comfortable with him, lean my head on his shoulder, wrap up in his hugs, but never any further. I couldn't ruin the beautiful relationship we have. He has his eye on someone, and I have my eyes roaming for the one that will one day complete me.

There have been acquaintances my own age or nearly similar that I simply want to shake and say, " Have you lived in a box!? Has life taught you nothing?!?" Yet others with much less time under their belts who astound me with their perception & interpretations of life's events. Thus my case rests. What is age, but a number and a year? There are so many other factors, much more important.

Let life happen. Age is not a measure of person. It is not a measure of life.

shadows within

I have issues with depression.

We all know this. My mom has had the same thing her entire life, which doesn't make my outlook too exciting. Thanks for calling that one Dad, appreciate it. My older sister (by 11 years) also has it. She covers it with alcoholism. My mom 'cures' it with random attempts at millions of different men. She latches onto them and morphs into whatever she thinks will please them most. My older sister latches onto guys, but she doesn't bend her hard ways; they break against her.

I've never completely analyzed myself in comparison with my family. Probably because the reality would scare the shit outta me. I can SAFELY say though, that I am nothing like my little sister. That's a story for another day. Today is about me, maybe the new me, or at least the transitional me until I figure out what life really has in store.

It scares me ... thinking about what my mom & my sister have done with their lives. Will mine be so much the same? Or am I destined to be different? In seeing what they have done with theirs, the mistakes made, the problems created, can I be strong enough to alter myself to not follow those steps and yet not lead myself down a lonely path for the rest of my life, scared to make a wrong step ...

scared of my own shadow

my fairy tale

April says I have been unusually attached recently (to the few relationships that I've actually attempted), and she's thinking that I'm attaching to whomever comes by, in a desperate rush to be settled. That's not so. I have dated uncountable men in the past year. Two years even, but most notably so in the past year. Different guys every night, sometimes two or three in one night. Most don't make it past the first meeting. If there is no connection, then I tell you just so. If there's a possibility, or something that intrigues me, then I'll agree to another date, or two, or three, and so on. There's a countless crew who never made it past the first few text messages or phone call simply because something in particular struck me as an aggravation & I knew it was senseless to continue. Some I continued with just to see if I was right in my initial decision. I have been right every time. The point to this is that by testing all these theories or going on all these dates, I've been able to know what I'm looking for, know what it feels like to find one who clicks just right. When I feel that chemistry, I go for it.

Too intensely it seems. Or if I hold back on the intensity, then I'm lacking in honesty by not putting enough of myself forward.

(Let me just say, I am honest with the poor gents that I just don't click with. I don't leave anyone hanging, although some just don't seem to take NO the first few dozen times & I have to repeat a million times that there will be no further dates because there was no chemistry for me.)

I have to wonder, am I too intense for everyone? Am I that intimidating, just being me? I have so many friends, so many wonderful people that tell me what a great person I am. How sweet I am. What a great package I would be .... for the right guy.

Where is he?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

millions of peaches

It's been a blast this weekend so here's an update.... but first things first, I'd like to say hello to my new friend in Warsaw. Hello you! Yes, you! I have front row seating reserved just for haters, but most don't stay haters long when you realize it's not me; he's shady. Just accept it already!

Oh my where to begin... Friday I went out solo as April's family duty's kept her tied up. My other invite didn't answer my invite. Twice. So I assumed he couldn't handle it.

I've been on kid patrol for the past two weekends, thus my break out night looked like it could've been out of control as there was nothing holding me back.
sexy black heels ... check
black lacy thigh highs ... check
light denim mini skirt ... check
white button up blouse, mostly unbuttoned ... check
curly Monroe hair-do ... check
smokey eyeshadow that made my BLUES burst ... check

I hit up Club NV first for Sirface, Teays Vein opening up for Flaw & Future Leaders of the World. As always, I was front row, standing out in front of everyone until enough people got the courage to walk out onto the dance floor as well. Standing in front of the stage to let the music take me over, control my body, erase my mind, move me in ways that nothing else can.

Afterwards I cruised across town to Shangri-La West to support my ever lovely friend Bree Olsen (for full adult content use THIS link at your own risk). Kicked it at the club until just after 2am before saying my goodbyes and steering home. Sorry, there was no exciting conversation ... I flew solo all night & was completely sober, having only one beer to quench my thirst at Shang after the night of singing along at Club NV. I did chuckle at the schmucks who paid $40 a pop to take pics with Bree on their cell phones; but I guess I only chuckle because I'm at her house so often & have so many silly pics already. All in all, it was a decent night as I ran into many friends & long-time-no-see's and there was no drama in my world.

Saturday I left Fort Wayne on the back of a motorcycle heading to Toledo, OH for the Smoke on the Water Festival to be entertained by Buck 69 & THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES, oh I love them! The absolute bestest bestest ever live show!! Old school Peaches, Kitty, Lump ... the new album is just as kicking & I cannot wait to get my paws on it :)


Kurt has a theory on what he calls my 72 hour issue (he claims he never sees me with the same guy longer than 72 hours, and sadly he's completely correct!) I lamented to him that guys ALWAYS tell me they're not ready for a relationship and yet within days of telling me that, they miraculousy have a relationship ... with someone else. Uh, I'm too intimidating. Why does it always come back to that? He's working on a plan for me. Together, we can conquor the world. I can't wait!
Until then, watch out!
I'm still on the loose.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

simple truth, simple friends

simple truth

The other day I read the BEST conjunction of words that I had run across in a long, long time: "truth is the best gift anyone can give, though I admit seeing the truth often hurts .... I love what humans were born to be and I hate the fact that we, many times over, disown ourselves. And that, I think, is why I cry inside." (I will link this when I get to the pc)

I've had so much to write about in the past few weeks, but could not come up with the best words in the correct order to properly convey what's swirling, seemingly fruitlessly, throughout my noggin. I pondered on that post over night, along with some other things that happened. It's all too much for one post, but here's my start:

I cannot count how many times I've been asked, by people of every walk, why April & I are such close friends when we are so VERY different in every way imaginable. What we have in common is one major key that I'm pretty confident all my true friends have in common: no expectations. What do take away from each moment, what do you learn at each bump and turn if your eyes and ears are not open? If everyone you surround yourself with is, in general, the same character?

Along the way, where others both would and have turned their backs on weird decisions or countless mistakes, through time and distance, hardships and other priorities, depression and frustrations, we've been able to learn from each other in ways that are immeasurable and unexplainable. Even if I'm an old crumbling barn alone in a field :) I get the analogy.

*EDIT* I'm so excited, I have a wonderful idea to incorporate into my back piece tattoo that I'm designing and guess who I'm gonna ask to draw this particlar piece!! =]
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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

fake words

Your fake words found their way
Created holes from crevices, snuck inside
Walls started to cave as I listened to your lies

Words I want to say fall on deaf ears
I swallow them down
Drenching the fire with tears

Continuing on
trudging tiredly down the dreary path
Again, you are not unlike any other

And yet again, it's a momentary pain
An anguish of the almost
The could have been

Yet it wasn't.
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Monday, July 20, 2009

no more

Anguish seepes from her lines
Misery etched in her face

Agony seethes through her veins
Clouds convey through her dreams

Dark rays of sun burn her days
Sleepless thoughts corrupt her nights

No more does love hold its rays
No more does hope build her days
Breathe no more
Take away the pain

Something for Triana..

Ok, I've had permission to post on here for a while, but I never do. Mostly because I'm just not as brazen or as brave with my writing as Triana is and what I write about is totally the opposite of anything she'd think of to write. She'd write about the absurdities and oddities or random foul stuff of life and I'd point out the beauty, the simple wonders of life, even in the midst of what she'd plain ass call crap (or in her words, "SHIT").

Point being, we are two totally different people with two totally different perspectives on life. And yet, each day we are still completely amazed that we are still this good of friends after more than 16+ years now. So where am I going with this??

Well, I was thinking today and wanted to post my thought here. No, I promise smoke was not rolling out of my ears. But here's the thought I had today-

"Writing is not so easy and ambition is not so easily kept when its depression that eats your soul."

From Findingmywingsinlife aka April or the BFF of the crazy girl who owns this blog.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong,
the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
*The All American Rejects - Gives You Hell


Don't manipulate me.
Don't use me and throw me away.
I used to think that I knew you, inside and out; I never did.
I need someone
... that isn't you.

For now, the pain fades
... until the next round
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Saturday, July 18, 2009

closet freak

Dad, I know you read my blogs, trust me that you really don't want to read this one.

UPIC - this post could ruin what's left of our friendship. I'm a changing person.

Over the last two years I've made a slow realization, that I now find out has been more apparent to some of my friends ... I'm bi-sexual.

I told my best friend yesterday (I have to admit I was a bit nervous) and she shrugged her shoulders saying, "yeah, I know". I prepared myself for a lecture or some other sort of reaction, it was a nice relief.

It only took a minute for her shoulders to drop as she sighed, "oh great, now no one is going to believe we're not lesbians"

I had to laugh at her; priceless.

Monday, July 13, 2009

what it is

It's a look. It's a feeling when he's near. It's an easiness of conversation. It's the way his face lights up when he smiles. It's how he smiles when he looks at you. It's the anguish that you feel when you know something bothering him. It's the completely calm, comforting silence as you sit together. It's a sparkle in his eye when you say something funny. It's a warmth when he touches you.

It's a fear of the past. It's a fear of the future. It's wondering if the two of you are on the same level. It's uncertainty. It's a wrong decision. It's a lifetime of second-guessing yourself. It's an uncomfortable lonliness.

It's sitting alone in the park at night. It's a single tear. It's gone.
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Sunday, July 12, 2009

kayaking adventure

My phone went off this morning, April wants to go hiking at Chain-O-Lakes State Park. We've talked about it forever, and I grew up on the backside of the park, but we have never been there together to take advantage of the leisurely activities.

Our conversations kill me. On the way there she's talking about her mother, "Even when she was normal, she was crazy."


Next subject during our drive ....

~April: When u see an old barn standing out in the middle of the field that looks like it's so ready to just fall over, doesn't it make u want to just go push it over?

~Me: YES! I know exactly what you mean! Those old barns look so weak, like the slightest breath will cause them to crash ... Yet in reality they are just sturdy enough to stand; sturdier than they look actually.

~April: That's kindv like you, you may look weak but you're sturdy enough to stand. You have more strength than what may appear.

~Me: So I'm like an old barn in a field? Humpf.


And still to come: "I don't usually do blonde haired boys. Oh wait, I do don't I?"

~You would really be surprised at which one of us this actually came from.


We find a suitable parking spot, only I hear, "you mean we have to walk all the way down there? (100 ft)

~ we came here to hike honey


After nearly an hour and half of kayaking, "I'm just so happy! If it were your birthday, I'd tell you happy birthday!"

Wow. That's left field.


Final note: I think I was attacked by a bug. April was taking a picture of the trail and that crazy picture was the result.

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walk with me, please

I want to read every word you write.
I want to hear every song you sing.
I want to see every step you take.
I want to be beside you every move you make.
I want to know every thought you have.
I want to see everything as you see it.
I want you to actually exist.

Will you not be a fake?
Will you not allow me to break?


Friday, July 3, 2009

explaining me

Yep. Neon green socks. Sparkly brown shoes. And because of my 2 hour fresh tattoo, my jeans which are ordinarliy about 2 inches too long, are now in what looks like 12 inch cuffs so as not to rub my fresh wound. The icing on this wonderful picture? I'm wearing a bright blue lace-trimmed tank top. And I've walked for 2hrs in the heat so my hair is sweat dried in a funked up do. I'm amazing. I truly should not be allowed to leave the house without a padded jacket.
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smells like....

From previous posts, I've mentioned that my cell phone has issues. As does everything in my life. Specifically, my blackberry goes schitzo and wipes my text message log, my phone log, and glitches any incoming text messages into oblivion. One time it reused to read my meida card .... except for 2 songs. How it decided that those two songs were worthy of being playable but deemed the rest of my playist as unacceptable truly escapes all logic.

What did the all-knowing blackberry choose for me? YMCA & Every Breathe You Take ... Police anyone?


I'm in the car today with all 4 kids, my 10-yr-old daughter in the front seat. She's puzzled by the tape deck in my radio. Damn that makes me feel old.

Worse though, she's cruising the stations for acceptable tunes, gets excited and sings along to the song she has stopped on ... the lyrics: "shush girl, shush your lips, do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips." Not impressive. I'm a bit puzzled which is worse, that some jack made it to the radio with those lyrics or that my TEN-YEAR-OLD knows them.

Redeption comes a few minutes later as we're driving through Amish country and pass a massive cattle farm. She's tired and fidgeting with her fingers rubbing her eyes as she freezes with a horrid look on her face for a split second, only to exclaim, "oh my gosh Mom, for a minute I thought my fingers smelled like shit."

Now tell me that doesn't sound like me.