my escapade... the beginning

I'm on vacation. In white trash Vegas: Gatlinburg, TN. My little brother invited me to go along with him & several of his friends, knowing I was struggling with life's complications at the moment. He told me I could ride w/him & not worry about paying any of the room charges.

I initially said no, I couldn't afford to take a week off work. Then, I said YES. Why miss an opportunity like this? To get away from life & it's misery, if even for the moment.

I'm going to blog each day's adventures to keep my friends up-to-date w/o having physically comment each person. Also, to remember each moment for myself. I will most likely post several times a day. Or I may not. We'll see!

To start, you must know what I've managed to get myself into. I am in redneck Vegas. Seriously. And I'm having a blast. We have a three bedroom, three bathroom condo with a full kitchen & dinning area, fireplace, indoor & outdoor hot tub, basketball court, gym, and a world of odd things to do up & down the streets.

My cohorts for the trip are...well...different. I've never met any of them besides my mom & brother. My mom invited herself on the trip. I don't know that there is enough alcohol in the world to deal with her right now, but I'm sure as hell gonna put that theory to test.

My brother is the worlds sweetest guy. He turned 24 the day before yesterday & we are celebrating all week. He would lay down in front of a train if he thought it would benefit someone else.

All of my brother's friends are from redneck KY. Missy is a 30 something divorced woman, facial piercings, a bad dye job & frizzy hair, who brought her ex husband: bald, tattooed, car mechanic, quiet Chris.

Audrey is a late 30's riot. She acts like she's 21, but she has 5 grown kids & some grand kids. She's loud, funny (sometimes) & knows no stranger. Our first day here she walked around in bib overalls & a ball cap with her long blonde hair in a pony tail. She encourages me to drink more & laugh more. We might get along. She has adopted me as her roommate.

Mikel is going to be my fun for the trip. My kind of guy, to a T & he's already decided we make a good team. He's wayyyy gay & we have a blast. I'm so excited; someone on my level & I don't have to worry about him being catty. We look at shirts & then pick out whick guy on the street would look best wearing it. This morning, we waited to go on our walk so he could wax his eye brows. Sweet!

I forgot my newspaper - “Le Monde”

Do you not become a part of "the sympathizers who nod understandingly" when you chose to "smile back. Or look at my watch"? What is the difference?

Also, you have pointed out that you purposely throw in bits & pieces to test the waters; to see if your readers will "mentally switch themselves off" yet your later paragraph states that we should hold our tongues, "Because what you will say, I assure you, will be irrelevant to me." Is that not contradictory? How can you ask of something that you are not willing to give in return? Am I naive to think that I should live my life by these words, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"?

I did enjoy the comparison between life & death, but what if you have shared your life with others? Surely there are people, here & there maybe, that each know a few truism about your life to credit your ceremony with a few truths? I have often wondered this myself, how much my death would really affect others. Disturbingly, I have realized that it would affect too many, too deeply. It is, after all though, a temporary pain. A grief that would not be surpassed in weeks, months, or even years... but would die with the passing of those whom I have touched in some unfathomable way.

I have nothing to say to you, accusingly or in a preaching manner, but I do have questions to ask. Questions because I too have thought along these lines, yet came up with differently in the end. I will do nothing to try to change you, so long as you do nothing to try to change me. While I may not be happy being me, I am not willing to change for you. Can I say that? Do I need permission?

I don't think we, as humans, were all meant to care about others. Some have that instinct & some do not, but who is on the correct team to judge which version is RIGHT?

Was I supposed to be frowning a bit, reading this? Thinking? Because I didn't frown, I simply wondered. But no frowning.

If your friend, Ms. LosingMyOwnWayInLifeWhileHopingToGuideOthers wants to speak even when others don't understand, is that not her right too? Just as it is your right to sit there, typing, imagining that you are making people frown...

Your words are inspiring, in an intellectual way.

medicate me, please?

Here's how my previous two days were "planned" to go:

Wednesday:
Margarita's w/Bethany (co-worker, after working 7:30 am to 4pm) @ Bandidos 4-5:30
Then I'm gonna pick up the kids from after school activities, drop 'em off w/Jere.
I have a quick errand to do at the Mall between 6 & 7pm.
Then I'm going to the laundry mat by the RockN Horse to do laundry before my trip & I can tan there for $2 while my laundry's going. Then I'm going to Angie's to pack my stuff & be ready for the week.

Thursday:
After work I'm going to the gym from 4:30 to 5:30, picking the kids up by 6 & dropping them off w/Jere @ 8. Then I'm hanging w/Shane for his bday. I leave for Indy around 5am Friday morning, hopefully drunk enough to sleep the entire trip as I'm riding w/my mom for at least most of it.

I wrote that to a friend to explain what was going on & why I couldn't meet up with him. Here's what really happened:

Wednesday:
~Work (check)
~Margarita's (check)
~Called Shane to verify plans for his bday. Became devastated when he says he's not going to celebrate b/c he's going to go to jail & he's too depressed to continue with life. ???? (Confused about how THAT happened.)
~Read horrible emails from my "boyfriend", who is "never being mean to me" but always lacing his words with a vicious bite.
~Pick up kids @ 6pm & drop them off w/their dad. (check)
~Stopped at mall, sat in parking lot debating on going in. Decided against it as I'm depressed, look like hell, and just don't wanna deal with it at the moment.
~Laundry Mat @ 6:30 (check)
~Call from my best friend who has now been forced into the middle of boyfriend & I's "non-issues" - he called her to ask her to call me & explain his issues to me.
~Attempt to finish laundry while holding back waterfalls of tears.
~Tan - although I had decided not to spend the $4 for tanning & lotion, I now felt it was the only place I could cry & not have anyone stare. Also, I would have an excuse when I came out red faced.
~Text Bethany that I need a drink, Checkerz? No, she's going bowling w/Courtney.
~Drove to the wrong bowling alley.
~Discovered my mistake, so went to AJ's Bar & Grille instead, to meet Shane & figure out what the hell is going on.
~On the drive, rec'v call from "boyfriend" saying he was sorry & wants to see me. Told him I'm going to AJ's to get drunk as quickly as possible.
~AJ's @ 8:30 waiting for Shane. (I have already asked everyone to just understand that I'm having a HORRIBLE day, preceded by 28 horrible years, and please not to ask any questions as I don't want to talk.)
~Boyfriend shows up for all of 3.45 minutes, gets a phone call & has to leave.
~Downed 8 shots of Cuervo & I don't know how many pints of beer. Passed out at the bar (THAT's attractive & healthy). Shane drove my car to his place, crashed in the big comfy chair again.

Thursday
~Drove Shane 30 minutes to probation meeting so he doesn't go to jail on his birthday (still not sure the story on this. Known him for 11 years, didn't know he was on probation).
~Arrange breakfast with Bethany as she lives in same town I just drove to & is off work. Also schedule Dr appt, convincing the office that I need in TODAY.
~Drop cell phone off at April's work (as she also lives & works in same town I just drove to) & quickly explain battery dead, will be back to pick phn up after breakfast, to let it charge.
~Eat nasty breakfast at Bob Evans, trying to soak up foul hangover.
~Pick up cell phone & discover that Shane believes I abandoned him & therefore he has started walking the 30 miles back to Fort Wayne.
~Drive around 20 minutes looking for Shane; he finally answers his cell & tells me he's "used to women abandoning him" - wtf? He has someone on the way to pick him up.
~Call Bethany & ask to chill @ her house til my Dr appt. Spend 6.25 minutes at Bethany's house when April tells me she's having lunch w/her friend & I should join, at Pizza Hut.
~Leave Bethany's, go to Pizza Hut.
~Go to Dr appt 30 min early to fill out new patient questionnaire. Get physically & mentally violated by Dr (don't worry, nothing illegal).
~Drive back to FW to pick up kids from school; while driving, rec'v call from Shane that he has left his keys in my car & needs them before 7pm.
~Pulled over for not wearing a seat belt or using a turn signal to turn, at a fucking stop light, from a turn only lane. Car impounded for stupid ass shit.
~3:30 waiting for mom to pick kids & I up, surrounded by police cars, on Main St. Call "boyfriend" to ask him to stop attacking me with vicious emails, which I have gotten several more of, when my entire life is SHIT.
~Spend the evening explaining to friends & family that my car is impounded & I frankly don't give a fuck b/c everything in my life has gone to hell & I just want to go on this vacation w/my little brother. Go out for a drink w/older sister & can't even manage to finish one Crown Royal w/Sprite b/c I feel so horrible. Switched to a Vicodin instead.
~Packed 2 bags to leave for a week; dyed hair to light brown. Tried to ignore all the overwhelmingly shitty details that plague my existence, many of which I left out of here.
~Woke up at 2am to hit the road with my mom. Found yet another aggressive email from "no-longer-boyfriend" & also listened to a wonderfully well worded voice mail, also from same guy. Cried. Picked up remaining tiny pieces of my heart off the floor, stuffed them into my pocket, took another Vicodin & hit the road (in the passenger seat of course).

See why I don't make plans? Notice that I never made it to work on Thursday? I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done. Fuck life.

Also, I'm spending 2 hours waiting for my brother to get off work, at his condo, in the scariest ghetto in all of Indianapolis, at 4am. Bodies get carried out of here. Often. Can I lay in the parking lot waiting for thugs to carry me off?

go away

A pitcher of Margerita, 8 shots of Quervo, a few pints of beer... and I'm still here. Still suffering onward, with new complications thrown in. It was not the answer. What was the question again? Ah yes...

I have it now.

hate me

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made. And like a
baby boy I never was man, til I saw your blue eyes cry & I held you face in
my hand. And then I fell down yelling make this go away. Make her smile
come back & shine like it used to be. And then she whispered ... how could
you do this to me? ~Blue October - Hate Me~

I don't hate you.

I was foolish enough to allow you to fill my head with false hopes & promises. Your words were empty, like everyone else's. You did nothing wrong. It is the way of life.

I don't hate you. I just fell. That's all.

fallen

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I was so close ... to nothing. Everything that plagues me today is directly related to a decision, a very poor decision, to marry the jerk I was in love with, knowing full well what he put me thru for nine yrs prior. Knowing that it wouldn't changed, but hoping against hope that he could. That he really wanted to.

Some things were different, if time had changed him in those ways, then couldn't time, effort & enough love change him in others? If he was willing... He said he was willing. Walking out of the courthouse he turned to me, "Now you're mine. Forever. You can't leave me" - my heart screamed into my ears NO! It was the WRONG reason! In that moment I saw him for who he truly is & would be everyday of his life.

I realized two things:

1) He would never change who he was. In his mind, he had no reason to. He never thought I would leave.

2) I had lost the unquestionable immense love that I had carried for so long. I was broken. Completely.

It took nearly a year and a half to legally undo what that fucking piece of paper & useless promise did in less than ten minutes. Nearly 9 months later, I am still trying to gather the broken pieces. That one moment of trust & faith has cost me everything. Literally EVERYthing.

And then ... someone came along. Someone who made it seem that the pieces were in fact all still there; that I hadn't lost any pieces, just maybe didn't have them in the correct order yet? However, there is a gap between us that I cannot seem to mend. An uncomfortableness that saddens me, yet it is not him who makes me sad, directly, merely the distance. I wasn't looking for this, just happened upon it accidentally. Now I don't want to let it go. Have I fallen in too deep of a hole?

interesting

Driving along today my 8 & 9 year old are commenting on the clouds.

"Oh look! A huge dolphin!"

I look and all I see is a giant penis. What's that tell you?

dont read

I. close. my. eyes. and. I. smile. knowing. that. everything. is. alright.
~Blue October

I wish it were alright. I wish I were smiling. Instead, I can only look back at the moments I spent smiling, and then wonder where they went. How did I lose them already?

April's ocean theory - a person cannot survive within an ocean, cannot hold an ocean. It takes an ocean to blend with an ocean. I am a hurricane. Destructive? Maybe not what she meant, completely. She thinks he is also a hurricane. But how can two hurricanes work? Her response, "They become a tropical storm". Can that be healthy in any sense?

April, if that moment comes, where I'm sitting on the steps, questioning, tears or no tears, tell me that "No" is the answer. Don't even ask the question. Just a simple, firm, NO.

Tonight, depression drags me deeper.

Wandering with Sleipner

“Maybe I’m the one. Maybe I’m the one who is a schizophrenic psycho.”
~A line from Puddle of Mud, that fits me to a T.

I completely stole this from my new friend Aren, because it made me laugh my ASS off. For a very long time. A VERY long time. I haven’t read a survey/questionnaire this good, in well, ever. I will post my own answers in italics directly below the question along with my scoring on each question. YES! Time for the festivities to begin!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religion/Spirituality & Beliefs I RARELY will divulge into the subject of religion, but for this purpose …
1. In terms of religious/spiritual views, I consider myself to be a follower of, primarily:
a) Christianity
b) Judaism
c) Islam
d) Jainism
e) Hinduism
f) Buddhism
g) Daoism
h) Sikhism
i) European Heathenism
j) Non-European Indigenous Paganism (e.g. Shintoism)
k) Neo-Pagan, Wiccan, or New-Age
l) Atheismm) Agnosticismn) Scientology
o) Other specific organized religionp) My own syncretistic pick n' mix spirituality

I’m agnostic, so (m): +2 points for me!
Total: 2

2. In terms of my own approach to my beliefs, I
a) Always try to abide literally to my specific sacred text(s)
b) Try to interpret any scriptures according to a modern context, with room for reasonable latitude of interpretation
c) Hold nothing as particularly sacred. Do whatever I want, whenever I want
d) Recognize the value and possibility of higher standards, but try to always find my own path, drawing inspiration from wherever I recognize quality and truthfulness

Have to go with (d): +2

Total: 43. In terms of modern society,
a) Church/religious institution and state should always be kept separate
b) State should have a sponsored and official religion

An easy (a): and a quick –1
Total: 3

Environment, Naturalism & Green Issues

4. In terms of technology, the environment, and progress
a) Everything should continue unabated, with the uninterrupted pursuit of technological advancement the highest goal
b) We should all become hard-line Eco-warriors, and the development of technology and industry should be severely restricted
c) We significantly need to alter the balance and recognize that our consumption of resources needs to be more moderated, that the environment is precious, and that we will all be required to make some sacrifices if we wish to preserve the natural beauty of the world

I’m such a (c) here!: and I score another +1
Total: back up to 45.

In terms of getting out into Nature
a) Nature is beautiful beyond comparison, and I like nothing more than getting outside into the wilderness as much as possible
b) The countryside is boring. I'll stick to my city apartment.
c) I like a pretty view, but from the window of my luxury cruise liner

Bring on (a) and get me OUT into nature. Anywhere. Add +2
Total: 6

6. In terms of my mobile phone, laptop, or other portable modern technology
a) The thought of being disconnected from the modern world for a few days fills me with horror! I'll take my phone with me everywhere.
b) I'll specifically switch off or leave behind my phone so that I can enjoy being out in nature, completely uninterrupted
c) Pointless modern dependencies. I don't need any such technological contrivances.

Clarification before I get jumped on for answering this, YES I am fricken attached to my phone, normally. But find me horseback, hiking, biking, rafting or anything that truly FREES my soul, and you will not find my phone. Yes, I walk on the treadmill texting & blogging. The treadmill is not “free-ing”. Therefore, my answer is (b). Yes, I can break my crackberry addiction. And +2 bringing the
Total to 8

Love & Sexuality Did I mention this is my FAVORITE category?

7. If I am with someone whom I love
a) I'll let them know frequently
b) I'll let them know only on special occasions
c) Don't be soppy! They should know how I feel

Tried & true (a), can’t help it. +1 for the mushies!
Total: 9 I’m almost into double digits! Whoo!

8. If a man gives me flowers, I'll
a) Be deeply flattered and delighted
b) Think he is feeling guilty about something
c) Think he is soft and should probably go and toughen up

As long as they are REAL, LIVE flowers, in a pot, able to be transplanted & grow. No cut arrangements, then I’ll be an (a) and gain +1
Total: 10

9. In terms of libido and sexual drive
a) Sex is pleasurable, rather like a bar of chocolate
b) Sex is one of the greatest gifts of life. It delivers a level of pleasure and fulfilment rarely found elsewhere in life
c) Sex is completely overrated. I can quite happily go without.

Uh, chocolate? No, bring on choice (b) and the +3, thank you!
Total: 13

10. In terms of sexual frequency
a) As often and intensely as possible! Life is too short!
b) Save it up for special occasions only
c) Once in a blue moon is sufficient

Do you see why this is my favorite subject? (a) it is! And +2
Total: 15

11. In terms of sexual variation
a) Missionary position only for me!
b) I'll try a few different moves
c) The Kama Sutra is my bible. I'll certainly give anything a try if I can contort my body into position!

I love to read, and reading (c) has totally been done… a few times… to say the least. Hey, I did say reading! So calm down, hahaha! +2
Total: 17

12. In terms of kinkiness
a) I prefer it plain Jane and simple.
b) I'm willing to accommodate a little bit of teasing and games playing
c) So who's going to tie the other up first? And where did you put those shackles, sometimes my knots aren't that good!

Let’s play a game… and I’ll vote for (c) ANY day. +3
Total: 20 … that doubled quickly

13. In terms of attitudes towards sex
a) Casual sex is fine, as long as both people have a clear understanding
b) Sex should only occur after marriage
c) Feel free to sleep around as much as you wish! Who cares!

Casual sex is ONLY ok if ALL of the following exist: BOTH parties are aware & in agreement. There is NO serious commitment between the two parties (meaning there is not casual sex outside the relationship, if there exists a relationship). Neither party is in a committed relationship outside of the casual sex. Only then would (a) be my choice. +1
Total: 21

14. In terms of sexual context
a) Sex in a loving stable relationship is, ultimately, best
b) Random casual sex is more fulfilling

Hmmmmm, can’t say that I haven’t had my fill of (b), but I would totally go for (a) when given the choice, bringing an extra +1 my way.
Total: 22

15. In terms of openness
a) A lot of sexual acts are rather dirty and sinful
b) Within a few limits, I'm more than happy to try to accommodateanything that will make my partner sexually fulfilled. Just ask!
c) I don't see the point in doing anything that doesn't directly give me pleasure.

Ask and ye shall receive, (b)! And then I receive +3
Total: 25

16. In terms of a relationship, the one I truly love
a) Would be the most important aspect of my life. I'll try to move heaven and earth for them!
b) An important component, but they'll have to fit in around my career and lifestyle
c) There for me when I need them, but not integral to my life

I’m definitely (b), no question about that! Big fat ZERO here. But I’m not sacrificing my independence.
Total: still holding on at 25

17. In terms of a relationship, all decisions
a) Should be made on an equal basis. That is healthy.
b) The man should take control and show that he can be a man!
c) I'll decide, as men are too impulsived) We'll see what works for us
(d) because not everything in life is equal and therefore, go with the flow, see what happens…and slap another +1 my way

Total: 26

Politics Watch those hard earned points slip away into oblivion. Politics. Blech.

18. In terms of political views
a) I support Marxism
b) I support National Socialism
c) I support liberal democracy
d) I support Radical Traditionalism
e) I am primarily apolitical. All systems are ultimately a rather unsatisfying compromise.

(e) only because it’s the only one I halfway understand. I DON’T discuss politics. Ever. Somehow a +2 by default on this one.
Total: 28

19. On capitalism
a) Free markets should be allowed with no restrictions whatsoever
b) Certain limits should be in place
c) A necessary evil

(b) this I have a bit more opinion on, because of my business background. +1
Total: 29

Arts & Mind Now we’re cooking with gas!

20. In terms of film, if I had to choose, I mostly favor
a) A light hearted comedy or easy going film
b) Pure action, or typical big-screen Hollywood film
c) Bizarre, unusual, surreal art-house cinema

(a) all the way… into another big fat 0, but at least it’s not negative!
Total: Hanging in there with 29

21. In terms of books and magazines, if I had to choose, I mostly favor
a) Mainstream fiction and glossy mags
b) Challenging, complex, and unusual materials

(b) please, random pickings suit me best, +2
Total: 31

22. In terms of broadcast television
a) I love soaps! There is always something on I'd like to watch
b) Big Brother is my religion
c) Most television is so entirely lacking in any redeeming qualitiesthat I usually switch it straight off in disgust. Give me a good bookanyday!
d) I'll usually spend my evenings curled up in front of the telly

I don’t own a t.v., but I’m NOT flipped out hard core on the “t.v. has no redeeming qualities” issues, I simply have better ways to spend my precious minutes. I’m a (c), with out the disgust part. +3
Total: 34

23. In terms of conversations
a) Lets just have plenty of drinks and get drunk and have a laugh
b) Lets sit down over a coffee and have a truly meaningful and deep conversation
c) Just be polite and keep everyone happy

Uh oh, I’m torn here… I definitely have a night here & there full of drinks & laughter. However I LOVE good conversation yet don’t really have a fancy for coffee. (c) is completely out of the question. Since this is a relationship based quiz, in a relationship I tend to have a penchant for (b) – just not the coffee. +2

Total: 36
24. Beethoven or Mozart?
a) Come on. Clearly Beethoven by a significant degree.
b) Mozart is prettier.
c) Who are they? Wouldn't listen to either!

Slight concern with this question, I readily listen to both, and own cd’s of both their music, but am not NEARLY talented enough to compare & contrast to make a decision as to who is the better man. I’m voluntarily taking a zero here because there is not a neutral answer, nor is there one that I feel comfortable accepting.
Total: 36

25. In terms of cultural relativism,
a) It is absolutely absurd to even begin to compare the latest Spice Girls single with, say, Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The 9th is so many orders of magnitude superior in every dimension that such a comparison is pointless.
b) Everything is equally good
c) It depends entirely on context. On some levels the latest pop singles are just as good.

(c) but still only partial, I love music but am utterly talentless when it comes to having an ear for picking it apart. –1 for my lack of musical inclination!
Total: 35

26. In terms of range of tastes, and ability to accommodate alternative forms of expression
a) I am willing to accommodate a very wide range of artistic expressions. I listen very widely, read very widely, watch very widely, and do not get easily offended.
b) Plenty of things are rather offensive and should be either banned or severely controlled
c) There is no reason to ever offend anyone with anything that deserves to be called art

(a) all the way baby, get rid off the censors; If you don’t like what you hear, stop listening, +2
Total: 37

27. In terms of alcohol
a) Why not get hammered every Friday! You only live once
b) Many people use alcohol to mask emptiness elsewhere in there life. Enjoying yourself and letting yourself go is one thing, seeing all social occasions primarily as a drinking opportunity is a waste.
c) I am tee-total and believe that alcohol is a dangerous addiction just like many other things, such as pornography

(b) I’m down for a good time, but not every time. +1 for me!
Total: 38

Miscellaneous

28. When there is a commercial break on during a program I am watching on TV, I will
a) Sit there and watch in boredom
b) Specifically mute the television and go and make a cup of tea/coffeec) Sit there and watch with interest

Again, no t.v., but that is not to say that I NEVER watch it. If I have the choice, I flip programs or get up for a moment, thus (b) is the closest answer. +1 for the tv choice.
Total: 39

29. Tea or coffee?
a) Don't be daft, clearly Tea!
b) Tea is bland. Give me coffee.
c) You dare insult me with that question? How could anything compare, even to one billionth of a millionth of a degree, with the ultimate mightiness and true divinity of that most perfect of beverages, that most grand of plants, that most mighty of experiences, namely, the most high and holy, Tea! I salute thee, Tea! I forever recognize thy primordial and protean greatness!
d) I am a heretic and do not drink either tea or coffee.
e) You mean tea doesn't just come in packets of tea bags?

I don’t know that I would jump overboard with such gusto on (c), so I will stick with (a), although I’ve never used the term “daft” in my life. I find it quite cute. I would easily choose tea over any other drink, except water. I love water. Which is required to make tea. So there you go, bonus points?? +1
Total: 40

30. The person who constructed this irreverant quiz, is either
a) Completely and utterly bonkers and off his trolly
b) Of a fine mind, if a little eccentric
c) Really should have better things to do
d) Delightful, and since I am a fine young single women aged 18-35 I shall be enquiring after his e-mail address) Clearly desperate and lost beyond all hope

I STOLE the quiz, therefore I’d like to say (a), (b) & (d) … (a) is FUN. (c) is all true except the “fine” part, just plain Jane here, by a different name; and as of a mere 3 weeks ago, no longer single. That leaves (b) and +2

Total: 42 ** UH OH** Do to the scoring error, I now have a score of 44. Go me!

Answer grid is on Aren’s page. Be kind & go visit! I nearly choked a few times when I initially read this quiz. I was on hold at work & gasping for breathe when a person finally came to the line. Oh well!Maximum total is 67.
Now wasn’t that a joy??

complicated

Am I really that difficult? And why am I that "great" yet someone is always trying to change me? Is being me ever going to be good enough? Some feedback would be appreciated, just so I know.

the error of my ways

It's like stepping back in time, nothing has changed. In 3 years, the kids have grown taller. The house is a bit messier.

But the pictures still sit about. The cards on the fridge are exactly the same. My shampoo sits in the shower. My curling iron hangs off its hook. My blanket covers the bed. When will I go away?

The silence now between us is not from lack of conversation. It is anger. It is hurt. It is frustration. It is sorrow & it is regret.

Only regret that I wounded another, and so deeply, not regret that I left. Leaving was a good thing for me. I will never go back.

How do I help you to move on?

barriers

I have been at my current job since November. One of the issues I have been having is simply communicating with other's who don't speak the same language. They fall through the cracks into the left behind; those that someone else deem's aren't worthy of the time. Is it really all that difficult, just to try? To reach out? A simple effort can go such a very, very long way. Inside the heart, are we not all the same?

Inside, there is the same pain. The same heartache. The same struggle. And even the same longing.

Wonderously, in some moments, the same thriving happiness. The same love. The same connection to the world. So why then, do these barriers exist? WHY is it so fucking difficult?

Language. So many, many avenues of language. The language we speak. The unspoken languages. The language of the heart & soul.

I despise that communication can create such havoc in one's life. Language barriers.

There is but one solid factor that can cross any barrier: love. Pure, simple, sweet LOVE. The kind the builds roots in your soul & grows strong through every storm.

My four year old son, sitting in my lap tonight as I was writing this, asked me if he could play a game on my phone. I told him, "not yet, I'm writing."

"Momma, why are you writing?"

I looked into his eyes, wise beyond his years, and decided not to hold back, "Because my heart hurts, baby".

I thought the conversation was over as he laid his head on me and stared off. A minute later, sitting up right once again, "Why don't you take some medicine?"

Lost in thought, trying to marry what was in my head & my heart; struggling to pour myself into the right language to be truthfully heard, I stumbled back to his sincere face staring intently at me. Those pale blue eyes opening that which I try so very hard to leave behind.

"Medicine for what honey?"

"For your heart." Those simple words brought stinging tears to my eyes.

"Sweetie, the only medicine for your heart is love," I whispered into his ear.

His crooked smile, "I love you momma," as he wrapped his arms around me and lay his head on my shoulder again.

He had broken the barrier. How could I have forgotten how healing love can be?

Medicine for the heart. The universal language.

Love.

contamination of the mind

There's something that I just can't explain... I thought the world had lost its sway (it's so hard sometimes). Then I fell in love with you (and then came you, and then came you) and you took that away (it's not so difficult; the world is not so difficult). You take away the old, show me the new and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you....
~ Blue October, Calling You ~

I don't understand the allure. The glittery goodness of it. Why would anyone want to alter their mind? To cover up life? It's still there. Waiting. Piling up. Wasting away the limited amount of minutes granted to you; shortening the life you could have.

Am I alone in wishing for more? And yet I am so very close to wanting the end. Maybe it is to that end that the fear builds ... feeds.

What is it about life that is so overwhelming? That creates the undeniable urge for you to hide, to blitz away the preciousness of reality?

Yes, Life is difficult. Painful. But also happy. Memorable. Why do you erase that?

The issue is the contamination. The damage. The reasoning behind willfully altering reality. The overwhelming desire to lose yourself. Covering up what is there does not make it disappear.

Why can't I be enough? Is it too far fetched to wish for the fairy tale? To just allow that magic to heal the wounds & bond two souls? Do I not deserve it? Then don't ever tell me I do. Meaningless words. I hear nothing.

I can see.

bring me down

... Or follow me down. I can't decide which way it is; I'm simply aware of the direction I am in. E was right. Who comes away from him unscathed?

Fucking people just don't get it. Don't get what I'm am capable of, what I truly have inside. All this fucking struggling. Finally someone I can feel open with. Feel connected to.

Again, left behind. Like I said he would. But no, he reassured, never. Always & forever.

Blindsided by my mistakes. When will I get it? Better yet, when will someone else GET it? My strengths are NOT my weakness. I will not allow you to tell me who I am. Just like I do not allow him to. It IS me in control.

I am not the one who struggles with identity. I am simply the one who suffers for it. I have known all along, have been fucking honest, brutally honest. I have allowed you in.

I AM ready for this. YOU are not. And yet you place the blame on me. Open your eyes. That makes you no better than the issue. That does not leave me as the dishonest one.

I'll take that blame, since you can't carry it. What's one more burden to bear? What's one more brick in the wall? One more shadow to darken my way? I'll stumble through darkness, because I have seen what it looks like in the light.

I was comfortable in my darkness, and yet finding my way out. The struggles that you hold tucked away in your mind are ever present, ever looming, dark & burning. Possibly, you were looking for an answer that I would not give you, so you gave it yourself? Scared that our differences would get in the way? Thus ended it already. I hate life. Now you see why.

You are different from anyone else? No, you are the same. You would never walk away? You just did, with such ease. My worries were unfounded? Insightful.

Empty.

shadows...

...of reality

I found this poem on another blog and snatched it. Only after leaving a gracious comment, of course. It speaks to me in such a way that words do not do justice. It is proof that there is romanticism in strength & independence. That today is the moment to cherish, while keeping yesterday in mind & tomorrow in a fuzzy focus. Read it. Does it speak these things to you? And more...?

After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye,

you learn

I yam who I yam

A few pieces of pertinent information that you should know:

A big wooly animal from Asia is a Yam. Don't try to correct an 8 -year-old Einstein.

I have graduated from the bunny blink to the doe blink. Ask April at http://www.findingmywingsinlife.blogspot.com/ to find out what this means.

My daughter came into the room the other night, crossed her arms in front of me, assumed "the stance", and blurted, "Cinderella's mom keeps on smacking me when I hit her cat." I was speechless. Where do y0u even attempt to start with that one? She's screwed on the gene pool, both sides of the family seriously need medicated. (No secret lingo here.)

Wing Seeker believes that I should be just fine interviewing our guests on the Hands of Partnership tv show, because I have so much experience interviewing guys in the last two years. Ummm, darling, that's not exactly how it works. Unless you want our interviews to be sold in XXX stores, and I'm pretty damn sure you would have to change the name of the show (well, it is a catchy title actually...) and quit your job. Pronto. 'Cuz that just would fly so well.

Chocolate milk is yummy.

My favorite all time answer is:
"I guess the answer is ... how long do I feel?"
Take THAT out of context and what do you get? Especially when I was having issues following the conversation in the first place. A. M. A. Zing.

into the ocean

THIS life is not my destiny. How did I end up on this path? The worthless years I spent waiting, with no reward. Punishment instead. A fucking cruel joke. And you think I want to go back? To continue in this life of misery & shame? Keeps me spinning in place. Seeing the potential, right there, right fucking there. Where I can almost touch it, only to fall another step back.

I so badly want it to end, but not in the manner that you would presume. I want to eliminate the equation. Fall into the ocean.

Take me some where new. Better yet, I will take myself.

Would you like to go?