Friday, August 28, 2009

just for fun

London's advice: copying what others do may not always put yourself in the brightest situation, but sometimes it's just for fun.
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safety first

Kurt says to never leave the house without safety goggles. You just never know when you may get poked in the eye. Word of the day. Or, maybe advice of the day.
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Thursday, August 27, 2009

to be me

* I dropped a lava lamp on my big toe. « It wasn't even my lamp »

** I fell off my bike while it wasn't even moving. « I am that cool »

* I ran into the doorway going into the bathroom at work. « I hope no one was looking »

** I then smacked my forehead into the toilet paper dispenser cuz I thought something was on my shoe. « Only I can walk out of the bathroom with more bruises that when I walked in »

* My phone doesn't allow me to send or receive texts messages anymore. « That's basically like taking away my air »

** My drivers license is suspended. « I feel like I'm 15 again »

* I'm a loser magnate. « I attract normal guys too, but I never connect »

** The tiny lil racing seat on my sister's bike is not made for my bum. « I'm sore where I shouldn't be sore »

* The handlebars on my sister's bike leave bruising around my wrists that my co-workers are convinced are from 'playing' with hand cuffs. « I only wish that I were that lucky »

** I discovered that the girls at Show Girl 3 like my piercings. « It wasn't voluntary, but I didn't mind either »

* I keep checking for the message that's not there. « I don't know what I would really do if it were there »
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Saturday, August 22, 2009

not what they see

This picture really has nothing to do with the intentions of my post today, but it's one of my favorites. I took it myself, of me. It's a bit on the edgy side, but that's what intrigues me.

I want to look at a picture one day, or in the mirror even, and see what someone else sees. What anyone else sees, instead of the distorted perception.


The randomness that hit my plenty of fish mailbox today:

#1. "Fine.
Be that way."

I read & deleted his original message without responding. I checked his profile, wasn't interested, and his original message was simply, "Hi, I'm ***, care to chat?" Nope. I sure didn't. He must've checked his sent messages to find that I had read & deleted the messages because within a few hours I received the "Fine. Be that way." Hello, isn't it my right?? If I don't want to chat, because there is nothing that catches my eye, then why would anyone get upset over a lack of response? Just take it as a sign that I wasn't worth your original message & therefore I saved you the trouble of going through a few email correspondences to figure that out. My response, cuz I just couldn't let THAT go....
If I didn't respond, then you should just consider it as I wasn't worth your time anyway. Life has bigger issues than who doesn't respond to an email, right? There's no reason for you to send me a message about not responding. Life goes on. I have a profile on here because I like to meet new people from time to time. Now just isn't one of those times. I have lots of guys interested in me everyday, online & in real life. As conceited as it may sound, there's no possible way for me to converse with every
person that shows an interest in me. I'm not stuck on myself by any means, but for some reason I attract a lot of people, guys & girls. Not sure why. Just like you don't understand why I don't respond to everyone who may show interest, I don't understand why one person here & there gets so upset because I don't respond. Is it really that deep that I don't respond? Doesn't that put me on a pedestal that I don't belong on? My response is not that important.
He must've gotten the point because I received "Yea ur rite".

#2. "NICE ...
I rated your photo a VERY SOLID 10
Yes my age is correct. I believe in honesty. Don't let the age fool you though. I don't mean to be crude, rude or whatever, but just want you to know I am still active (or was) without the help of any pills.
You will never know the advantage and how good an older man is until you try ME.
Yours, *****

Well... his age issue, he's 75. SEVENTY-FIVE. Yeah, I don't have any age issues, but a 75 year old man just offered to pleasure me. THAT I have an issue with. I could be his great-grand-child!
Also, his profile lists that he's looking for women in the age range 60-90. Last I checked, nope, not there yet!
Until I try him? Is he trying to write a commercial? Hello. He must have retired from a sales position of some sort, because he definitely wrote the lines to sell ... something ... I'm just not in the buying mood.

#3. "hey sexi girl wanna talk or hangout holla at me 1 *** 586 9447 and we can see where it takes us beautiful. *********"
His screen name is something along the lines of 'Ridendirty' and he sent me a rose along with the email. His profile wasn't too bad, until his interest randomly came around to -
hangout with friends and sniff my beagle lol i'm always down with family activities or going out to have fun i like to travel i own my house and my car and maybe i can love you too love ya bye. i would take her to a nice restaurant to eat then maybe a movie or a night club depends what she likes all know what she likes when i meet her lol or maybe just take her to my house and watch something on my big screen there's always fun happening with me never know then take her home and give her a big bear hug and tell her i had a great time and go home and call her the next day.
Excuse me? Did I read that correctly?? SNIFF MY BEAGLE? Love ya bye? Bear hug? It gets even MORE exciting when I realize he has one 'normal' profile picture, but his second
picture is with RONALD MCDONALD. For real.
I'm thinking he sniffed way too much sharpie while snacking on Elmer's in Kindergarten. Instead of the Easy Button, I need a HELLO button, complete with sarcasm & some sort of eye roll.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

in my footsteps

I took a 2 hour walk downtown today.

Gave my number to the sweet gent that could barely speak English, but did his best to ask to take me out for ice cream.

Laughed and walked away from the player who asked if I was going to meet my boyfriend and could he get my digits so he could be my next boyfriend.

Ignored the guy that walked by staring me down like a piece of meat, even after he said hi.

**Really, there is a lot to be told by a man's eyes and how he looks at you.**

Fought a strong urge to kick off my flip flops and hop a small fence into the lushes tall green grass on the other side, begging to be treaded through barefoot. Also resisted kicking them off to wade into the softly rushing, blue green waters of the fountain I sauntered past.
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

out of your shadows, forever

You're sorry for hurting me?
Two girlfriends in one month.
But you're sorry you lied to me?
I'm not buying it.
All the warnings, I didn't heed.
Everyone telling me, stay away.
I didn't stay.
I went anyway.
Always the losers.
It's my destiny.
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Saturday, August 15, 2009

shadows of my soul

For nothing.
No, not waiting.
I will not change.
Not for you.
Yes, for you.
When you come.
When you find me.
When I find you.
But I am not looking.
I am not waiting.

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Monday, August 10, 2009

corrupted by attention

Due to some personal issues that have hit me in the last week, namely that I have spent a majority of the week in jail due to something presumably beyond my control, and that I go back to court in the morning to be sentenced and therefore may not be around blogland for awhile. Here are all the drafts I have been working on for the past several months & never finished...

This one, corrupted by attention, I saved to post last in order to explain the next 5 posts from today (quote me, there is no lower, timelessness, shadows within, and my fairy tale). This one I started nearly 3 months ago. I was side tracked by life, and by falling for someone that as usual, I shouldn't have fallen for. Hello Mr Shady:

"Fuck this. Is it worth it? For us to fight and drag it on? Fuck this. Is it worth it? To blame each other for our faults? Fuck it. Let it go. Move on. Start new."
~ The Army Within ~ We'll Get Through ~

This morning I woke to find 2 text messages from 2 different guys saying, "good morning Beautiful". I had a 3 minute voicemail that began the same way. At 2pm, yet another enthusiastic vm, again the same "Beautiful", but not the same voice. I'm constantly told that I'm beautiful, but I don't see it & I certainly don't buy into it.

My reflection looks back at me with bright blue eyes encompassed in puffy dark circles, thanks to genetics. My pale skin often showcases angry red areas on my chin and nose. My pudgy face sports very little resemblance to any sort of elegant jaw or neckline.

Yes, I have big boobs, but that package comes with an extra large spare tire resting on my mid section, and approximately ten acres posting as a rear end. My knees and ankles swell constantly; there's nothing remotely feminine or sexy, that I can find, on my body. I am broken by age and child birth.

I watch people, everywhere. Is there life so different from mine? Does everyone struggle with their image as I do? Does everyone struggle with life as I seem to do?

I have no problem picking up men. Or women for that matter. But why? And why is it never the right one? The one that takes my breath away. The one whose kiss melts my defenses and sneaks the key from my hiding place to release the emotions so carefully protected in my heart.

*rescue me*

quote me

Random stuff to make you think ... and hopefully chuckle:

"Trust me, that after market stuff; Its like sleeping with a 12 year old boy with 2 softballs taped to his chest." *Ahem* Can you guess what this refers to?

Sometimes nobody's right, sometimes nobody's wrong. Song lyrics from Buck 69.
*edit* While searching for a link inform my readers of the awesomness of Buck 69, whom I've seen perform in both Fort Wayne, IN & Toledo, OH, I found THIS youtube which happens to be from the Toledo, Smoke on the Water event that I attended (I'm sitting right directly in front of the stage, but I can't tell if you can see me when the video sweeps). The video made me chuckle. The quality isn't great, but the little boy in the end cracked me up. And it's even the song that the lyric came from!

I Get Off by Halestorm is playing on the radio, My 10 year old asks if it's Taylor Swift singing. Oh honey, please grow up with better taste in music :) Follow the links for the REAL effect of this humor.

April logic, not Triana logic. This I cannot explain, but if you follow wing seeker then you know, this statement is FUNNY. Or not. April & I think it's funny & that's what counts! HA ha ha!

there is no lower

Can't put into words
What you do to me

Crying behind hidden eyes
Tears washed away by rain

Waited all day for the "hey"
that didn't come
Waited forever ...
for what?

For confusion


I wrote this one probably 4 months ago when my friend was struggling with an age gap in a new friendship. I never got around to posting it, for whatever reason. Here ye be...

I get hooked up on age at times. Who doesn't? When the moment passes & time for reflection rears its head, the hang up is often silly. Who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to lay a judgment that at a specific year in life an individual has experienced & prevailed through enough of life's adversities to be considered mature or worthwhile? Who's to say exactly when the diamond in the rough really begins to sparkle?

While there are some solid arguments of course, the real deal is that people are unique, situations are unique, lives are unique. Don't ask if such & such is too old or too young (unless LAW states so) - consider who he/she really is ... go from there. Allow life to take its course without hindrance from silly notions and limitations.

Some random stories: In 2006 I was leaving Phoenix Hill Tavern completely sober; I was a water drinker in those days. Stopping to say goodbye to some friends, the guy next to me says out of nowhere, "I'm going home with her". I laughed, "yeah ok" - I hadn't ever seen the guy prior to that exact moment. Within a few minutes I turned to go to my car. He followed. Being me, or the beginning of "me" in those early days, I shrugged my shoulders and went with it.

Nearly 30 miles outside of Louisville he asks if I want to know his age. Oh HELL no. Say what? MoFo I picked you up at a bar, past 21, I don't care. If I'm going to jail, you're getting dropped off on the highway. He was 18. I asked for ID.

I didn't turn around.

I took him home the next day after work, at which time I also learned his name was Paul. Funny side anectdote, I only learned his name when I returned from work to find him sitting on my couch, my mom in the kitchen making dinner. I attempted to have some manners & introduce them even though they had obviously spent the day together in the same house. "Mom this is ...." and I left a blank, where he promptly smiled at me & said "Paul." Within a few minutes I was on the road to take him back to Louisville when he smiled at me and asked if I really hadn't paid attention to his name from the night before. I didn't lie. I hadn't expected to find him still at my house when I got home, and I sure as hell didn't give a shit about his name.

One night stand, hello my name is...

I tried to be a smart ass & said, "You probably don't remember my name either, so whatever." The response, "Triana, and I'll never forget it beautiful." Guess that put me in my place.

Back to the point of this post:
One of my absolute best guy friends, Kurt, is 20 years my senior. At times, we are inseparable. Other times we may go weeks without communications, only to pick up right where we left off the month before. We are so close at times that many people think we're dating. He's just that close to me, and we click mentally, but not on the dating level. I'm comfortable with him, lean my head on his shoulder, wrap up in his hugs, but never any further. I couldn't ruin the beautiful relationship we have. He has his eye on someone, and I have my eyes roaming for the one that will one day complete me.

There have been acquaintances my own age or nearly similar that I simply want to shake and say, " Have you lived in a box!? Has life taught you nothing?!?" Yet others with much less time under their belts who astound me with their perception & interpretations of life's events. Thus my case rests. What is age, but a number and a year? There are so many other factors, much more important.

Let life happen. Age is not a measure of person. It is not a measure of life.

shadows within

I have issues with depression.

We all know this. My mom has had the same thing her entire life, which doesn't make my outlook too exciting. Thanks for calling that one Dad, appreciate it. My older sister (by 11 years) also has it. She covers it with alcoholism. My mom 'cures' it with random attempts at millions of different men. She latches onto them and morphs into whatever she thinks will please them most. My older sister latches onto guys, but she doesn't bend her hard ways; they break against her.

I've never completely analyzed myself in comparison with my family. Probably because the reality would scare the shit outta me. I can SAFELY say though, that I am nothing like my little sister. That's a story for another day. Today is about me, maybe the new me, or at least the transitional me until I figure out what life really has in store.

It scares me ... thinking about what my mom & my sister have done with their lives. Will mine be so much the same? Or am I destined to be different? In seeing what they have done with theirs, the mistakes made, the problems created, can I be strong enough to alter myself to not follow those steps and yet not lead myself down a lonely path for the rest of my life, scared to make a wrong step ...

scared of my own shadow

my fairy tale

April says I have been unusually attached recently (to the few relationships that I've actually attempted), and she's thinking that I'm attaching to whomever comes by, in a desperate rush to be settled. That's not so. I have dated uncountable men in the past year. Two years even, but most notably so in the past year. Different guys every night, sometimes two or three in one night. Most don't make it past the first meeting. If there is no connection, then I tell you just so. If there's a possibility, or something that intrigues me, then I'll agree to another date, or two, or three, and so on. There's a countless crew who never made it past the first few text messages or phone call simply because something in particular struck me as an aggravation & I knew it was senseless to continue. Some I continued with just to see if I was right in my initial decision. I have been right every time. The point to this is that by testing all these theories or going on all these dates, I've been able to know what I'm looking for, know what it feels like to find one who clicks just right. When I feel that chemistry, I go for it.

Too intensely it seems. Or if I hold back on the intensity, then I'm lacking in honesty by not putting enough of myself forward.

(Let me just say, I am honest with the poor gents that I just don't click with. I don't leave anyone hanging, although some just don't seem to take NO the first few dozen times & I have to repeat a million times that there will be no further dates because there was no chemistry for me.)

I have to wonder, am I too intense for everyone? Am I that intimidating, just being me? I have so many friends, so many wonderful people that tell me what a great person I am. How sweet I am. What a great package I would be .... for the right guy.

Where is he?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

millions of peaches

It's been a blast this weekend so here's an update.... but first things first, I'd like to say hello to my new friend in Warsaw. Hello you! Yes, you! I have front row seating reserved just for haters, but most don't stay haters long when you realize it's not me; he's shady. Just accept it already!

Oh my where to begin... Friday I went out solo as April's family duty's kept her tied up. My other invite didn't answer my invite. Twice. So I assumed he couldn't handle it.

I've been on kid patrol for the past two weekends, thus my break out night looked like it could've been out of control as there was nothing holding me back.
sexy black heels ... check
black lacy thigh highs ... check
light denim mini skirt ... check
white button up blouse, mostly unbuttoned ... check
curly Monroe hair-do ... check
smokey eyeshadow that made my BLUES burst ... check

I hit up Club NV first for Sirface, Teays Vein opening up for Flaw & Future Leaders of the World. As always, I was front row, standing out in front of everyone until enough people got the courage to walk out onto the dance floor as well. Standing in front of the stage to let the music take me over, control my body, erase my mind, move me in ways that nothing else can.

Afterwards I cruised across town to Shangri-La West to support my ever lovely friend Bree Olsen (for full adult content use THIS link at your own risk). Kicked it at the club until just after 2am before saying my goodbyes and steering home. Sorry, there was no exciting conversation ... I flew solo all night & was completely sober, having only one beer to quench my thirst at Shang after the night of singing along at Club NV. I did chuckle at the schmucks who paid $40 a pop to take pics with Bree on their cell phones; but I guess I only chuckle because I'm at her house so often & have so many silly pics already. All in all, it was a decent night as I ran into many friends & long-time-no-see's and there was no drama in my world.

Saturday I left Fort Wayne on the back of a motorcycle heading to Toledo, OH for the Smoke on the Water Festival to be entertained by Buck 69 & THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES, oh I love them! The absolute bestest bestest ever live show!! Old school Peaches, Kitty, Lump ... the new album is just as kicking & I cannot wait to get my paws on it :)


Kurt has a theory on what he calls my 72 hour issue (he claims he never sees me with the same guy longer than 72 hours, and sadly he's completely correct!) I lamented to him that guys ALWAYS tell me they're not ready for a relationship and yet within days of telling me that, they miraculousy have a relationship ... with someone else. Uh, I'm too intimidating. Why does it always come back to that? He's working on a plan for me. Together, we can conquor the world. I can't wait!
Until then, watch out!
I'm still on the loose.