Sunday, January 31, 2010

pieces of me in music

Yesterday I spent several hours watching Flyleaf, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace perform. Must say, I loved it. However, due to foot issues, I was confined to the seating area and not my usual "among the mob" location - which significantly altered the experience. Thus I will have to repeat it when the next opportunity allows! Until then, here are my picks for the best songs from each of the three. Trust me, it has taken me all day to limit it to just these few videos. I've captioned the lyrics in each song that capture me so completely.

Three Days Grace - Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me, I've got a plan
When the lights go off, you will understand

Three Days Grace - Home

I'll be coming home just to be alone
'Cause I know you're not there
And I know that you don't care
I can hardly wait to leave this place

No matter how hard I try you're never satisfied
This is not a home I think I'm better off alone
You always disappear even when you're here
This is not my home I think I'm better off alone

Breaking Benjamin - Sooner Or Later

Just call my name
You'll be okay
Your scream is
Burning through my veins

Sooner or later
You're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw your life away
Drivin' me under
Leavin' me out there
Go ahead and throw your life away

Breaking Benjamin - Breath

So sacrifice yourself and let me have what's left
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes
I'm going all the way, get away, please

You take the breath right out of me
You left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
'Cause I will be the death of you

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
This invasion makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

Flyleaf - All Around Me

(official version)

I'm alive
I'm so alive
I'm still alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Solid runner-ups that I couldn't help but mention:
Three Days Grace - Just Like You
Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become
Breaking Benjamin - Forget It
Breaking Benjamin - Had Enough Sorry, this is a crappy video for this song, but look up the lyrics. I'm in loved with it "You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve"
Flyleaf - Again
Flyleaf - Fully Alive

Friday, January 29, 2010

learning lessons

So I may not be able to step off a skateboard or walk across ice without breaking my foot, but during these two experiences, here's what I found out I CAN do:

* Pedal a bicycle with one foot, and still text.

* Reach my toes without bending my knee or flexing my ankle.

* Pull myself out of the trash bin in the women's bathroom at Buckets when someone opened the door from the inside as I was pushing it open (doesn't sound difficult, but with only one usable leg, crutches flying everywhere, and giggling hysterically, IT IS).

* Sit at my desk at work 11 hrs a day with my leg resting on my desk, foot beside my keyboard, other leg properly resting on the floor.

* Push four laundry baskets full of folded laundry up 2 flights of stairs a week after surgery.

* Hop a child safety gate repeatedly throughout the day without taking it down, and do a better job of catapulting over it then most are capable of without crutches.

* Roll my chair at work like a go-kart to pretty much any area of the building that I need to get to.

* Walk a mile and half to the bar, get drunk, and walk a mile and half home. That's dedication. Mixed with several doses of stupidity and a heafty challenge to fate.

PS: I took these pictures just now. I turned the first into a charcoal sketch and the second I used a black and white feature but lightened it. Pretty snazzy eh? I gots some talent ;-)

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

too tired for life

My toes have rolls in them. Literally. The poor lil buggers are bloated beyond belief. This has got to go away. I want to walk and skip and jump and run ... or at least kick someone in the ass if they deserve it. Maybe.

I'm actually tryin to move my toes in this picture. Graphically disgusting.

Fuzzy socks cuz it's negative two degrees outside! My poor foot. Ouchie! It looks like it doesn't belong on me.

I'm not very poetic tonight, not even a good story teller. Feeling just on the edge of a breakdown.

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Adelita's Way - Invincible

This song pumps me up :)
Also, my first attempt at posting a YouTube to blogger from my iPhone.


Green Day - 21 Guns

Where's the irony in this one: I HATE the cold metal of guns. Any gun. I LOVE this song. Love it. Makes me so emotional.

Kinda sucks to just have a link sitting there, but it's the best I can do right now.

Sent from my iPhone

lighter weight

I had a really nice post going, way more up-beat and softer than usual, but I left this application (oh the perks of an iPhone!) to reply to an interesting comment dialog, thinking that my draft had been saved and would be right here when I came back. Alas, it was not so. Instead I give you this:

Say hello to Mr Giant Assed Snowman! I couldn't help it. I made April stop the vehicle for some good ole snowman violating. As you can see, this was obviously taken when I could WALK -- about three weekends ago.

Three? Hmm, let's recount, I lose track oftime so quickly these days. Last weekend I was laid up from surgery. Weekend prior to that I was wasted at Halestorm show. Then the weekend previous to that ... YES, that was it! Teays Vein on Thursday, Good Night Gracie on Friday, and Sirface on Saturday. That's what I call a gooo-oood weekend.

April and I ran around Goshen and Elkhart carelessly that Saturday. Literally. At one point in time her and I ran in the street for a block because the sidewalk was under construction and we didn't want to cross to the other side. Simple solutions are no fun. What's life without a teeny tiny bit of haphazard recklessness?

Who really gets to define the real measure if teeny tiny anyway?

I violate snowmen; she conquers snow mountains. It's a win-win fun filled day.

Goofy me, can't go wrong with pink and green, right? I really dislike pink, but green makes it so much better. I should start a slide show of the silly shit I wear out for the night.

Oh and let me mention, because I know April did a blog on this outing but I know what she didn't include!! She went on a potty run while I stayed watch the table, and then it would be vice versa. She came back all too quickly with her "embarassed" face (we all know I'm MUCH more brash than she). She said the door was locked. I said impossible, there are two stalls inside and no lock on the outer door. She gave me *the look*. I got it ... some couple was being frisky - lucky bastards. Told her to wait five mins and go back. Both bathroom and bar room ettiquete mandate that all quickies be, well, quick, thus five minute would be ample time. She did not want to go back for round two, so I gallantly volunteered. I gave the door a shove and wouldn't you know, after five minutes they were still bunnies galore, him pushing her into the door. My door shove was hard enough to move her off the door, which wasn't my intentions at first, but then I just went with it and walked right in. "Fun times" I chuckled as I nodded and preceded to the stall.

Gotta love random bar idiots at different cities! Also must love actually being one of the random bar idiots, whether drunk or sober. It's my style. This one isn't me, but I couldn't resist. I will be chastised tomorrow for this - but you have the underwear joke to blog.
"No expectations"

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

endless emptiness

Time creeps away with no moment left behind. Solitude wraps herself around my lonely shell. A few words, that's all I ever get from you, besides an emptiness that cannot be denied. Scarred and broken, limping from my hiding spot. Looking for the corner, a turning in my view.

Desolate park swings reflect my innerself; hanging motionless against the wind where love once showed her face. Few faint traces in the snow where one attempt did fail, leaves marks upon the open ground from lovers and their quarrels.

Emotions have no name for this feeling that I endure. Wasteland of my heart and mind come ripping to the edge; Acceptence overtaking Wrath, as her energy grows weak. Another time, another place, I would have carried on. Yesterday's tasks depleted me; I weathered through the storm.

When you find me I'll be stumbling across the rough terrains. If you're looking you won't see me; but you'll find me anyway. Pieces of the wounded me strung out for all to see. Collect them each, one by one, to put me on display. A lost and tattered, useless soul, set free another day.

lost passion

Where have you gone? Abandoned me? I was lost in desolation, for a moment. Maybe more, but not forever.

Warmth replecated as I hold myself into the night. Arms wrapped tight; sometimes caressing gently until my eyes begin to lull.

You are replacable, many times over. The passion that is lost from me is found again, in her soft arms, or his hot touch.

Time knows no boundaries when wrapped in lovers' bliss. Strangers but moments ago; Oh! How passion changes everything.

Nothing of my nature, and everything at once. Confusion as two sides prepare their arguments - already one has lost.

Bruises in the morning, covered with scarves, sleaves and paint. Flesh torn, lips swollen, limbs stiff and yet a small pleasure stolen.

Anger loses patience, and I move on so quickly. A tender side holds briefly, until overcome by the primal side of lust.

Roughened by night's cruel trick of promises, delicacy removes herself, releasing the ravenous beast.

Boredom ties with intimidation on the score board of my life. One cannot keep up with me, the other afraid to try.

I see which side has won you; hesitation triumps again. Your golden moment gone forever as I grow weary of this wait.

Instead a single night remains, burned into my memory - a tinder wood for future fires to feed my guiltless pleasures.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010


Last week I slipped on ice. Clumsy me broke a bone in my ankle on the same foot I broke less than 4 months ago - unrelated injuries though. I hobbled around for four days on a broken ankle (thankfully I still have crutches from the last go round) and then had surgery to place a plate with screws into the two pieces for my fibula to heal correctly (no one wants a crooked fibula!). It's now been two whole days since surgery and I've ventured from my room, on the upper floor, down to the main floor, and then further down to the basement to do laundry so that I do not return to work tomorrow naked (nothing in the handbook states this - but pretty sure I could get fired for that). I used the laundry chute to drop my clothes from the second floor to the basement.

Morale of the story: after hopping on one leg, with crutches, up the first flight of stairs and then Indiana Jones-ing it over the pet gate in order to reach the second flight of stairs, my roommate casually siting on the couch asks me what's wrong with my boobs and why one looks off center.

My dear friends, help me out here - does this look like ONE BOOB IS OFF CENTER?

No. This looks like OMG-if-those-are-boobs-she-has-serious-fucking-ISSUES. I hijacked my clothes for work into the waist band of my jogging pants and covered it with my shirt in order to have my hands free to manuver the crutches up the freaking stairs. I don't look like my boobs are lopsided - I look like I have a demon spawn clawing it's way from my gut!!

No more Miller High Life for you, Mr Observative Roommate.

texts from last night

I've spent the past three hours absolutely busting my guts reading the most hilarious site yet -
After 40 pages of gut splitting laughter and several close calls of wetting myself, I decided I at least had to post these three, as they could 100% be about me, and even if you don't, I find it insanely hilarious!

**I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you shaved and whether or not your prospective hook-up will care.
(this is ALWAYS one of the first thoughts through my mind)

** You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor you just sat next to it and cried.
(I've had next day conversations, "I cried about WHAT?!")

** Hey, sorry, I lost all my numbers, who is this?
* Pat
* Pat who?
* The guy you slept with. 
* I'm gonna need more details.
(You'd be amazed at what could be substituted for "had sex with" and how often I've actually had this similiar conversation. Of course, conversation dies quickly afterwards - but if I were really worried about it, I'd know who the fuck I was talking to.)

Cheers and good night!!

unfair decisions

The rotten stench attacking my senses comes from the darkness of your soul. You see nothing of it, less the mere moments where truth and dignity invite a quick glance at your destruction left behind. You blink before a tear of guilt can conjur true emotion, and when your eyes re-open, vision again returns to false reality where YOU are the only focus.  

I banished you from my life when you chose to walk from theirs; yet now you play at the part like it was meant for you. Neither of us sure whether you do more damage here or gone. That decision is not mine to make, while everyone else seems to think it is. That your son and daughter would be better without you, as the many others both before and after them, seems an obvious conclusion to all outside the show, but where is the grand scale of their magnificent decisions? Fairness plays a role in no one person's life.

Friday, January 22, 2010

memories rekindled

Staring relentlessly at the purple and green squared curtain hanging motionless from the iron hooks above.

Whispers drift inward, around and under the purple-green divider, "where is her family, no one is here for her."

Alone. Happy being so. Miserable as well. I wanted no one here. I wanted *someone* here. I get my first wish. Alone.

They will be here. I tell them. Sister dropped me off. Brother will pick me up. My family works. (But not all of them)

Groggy awakening from my drug induced stupor. My legs are floating, but I see from the mirror above that they only lie there.

Screws placed. Wound closed. Stitches tied. Batting wrapped. Plaster dried. Tingling disappeared. And still, no one is here.

This is the way I prefer it - the world at a distance. Everyone at my fingertips, held distantly away.

Still, I am sadened by the whispers; dredging up memories of a time long lost - when I urned not for solitude.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Out tonight
Found myself again
At the bottom of a pitcher
Downing each glass like your face was at the bottom.

I found ... nothing, but the bottom of the pitcher.

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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

meaningless objectivications

I hate that word.
What does it mean?
Does it do any good?

Stop telling me you're sorry. Stop pretending that it's true. Don't throw your bandaid over something you shouldn't have fucked up in the first place. Or the second. Or the 50th.

Heartfelt apologies only. I'm left in frustration.

Maybe I'm not making the right decision. In any case, the decision is good bye. As I told you, I cannot lose that which I never had.

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Monday, January 4, 2010

watching me

I went for a walk tonight. Snow falling gently, cool evening air freezing with each exhale. Darkness prematurely swallowing life from the city. Slick streets nearly empty yet driveways filled with the scraping of shovels.

At first I hobbled slowly; within three blocks my foot hurt a smidge from the choice of tennis shoe I put on ... the ones with the best traction aren't necessarily the most comfortable for my fat foot. (While I'd like to think that's it on the upward swing of being nearly back to normal, it remains undeniably FAT.)

My "trick" knee popping out of place, thanks to the uneven terrain and my lack of activity for nearly for months. Every three to five steps I had to pause mid stride to do the wedgie shuffle, as I've found this particular move to be the most helpful at snapping my knee back into place while standing. In this part of the city, I'm fairly positive that I appeared to be doing a solid version of the crack feind scoot -- half limping, funny jigggle every few steps, and laughing at nothing as I mentally pictured how ridiculous I looked to any outsider.

Bundled against the cold with two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, three carefully layered shirts and an oversized hooded jacket, gloves and hat. Cozy doesn't begin to cover it. I made it just over a mile round trip and only returned home with a cold runny nose.

I scampered through the park, doing my broken foot / funky knee skip-jog combo. I laid in the fresh snow leaving snow angels nearly down to the grass. I wrote poems in fancy scrawl over sloping hillsides in side yards, leaving words of hope and inspiration as I sauntered home in dreamland. I pretended to dance with snowmen whose faces had been wind blown smooth.

It was not me out there tonight. Surely it could not have been me. Yet, who else would it have been?

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Sunday, January 3, 2010

remembering love

My daughter made this Christmas tree for me. She plucked the nub of a branch, hand cut ornaments, and fashioned a stand to hold the creation upright. It's moments like this that burst my heart with love.

My middle son asked me again this visit, "Why only two days mom? Why can't it be more?"

At 5 he just started kindergarten this year. He's at the top of his class, as is his older brother. I cannot be more proud of them. But like me, they think to much, and it causes too much pain.
"Why do you move to so many houses mom?"
Because I'm trying to find the one that fits me.
"Why don't you get a different job mom? So you can be closer?"
Because right at this moment I cannot find one that will pay me enough ... but one day I will.

Promise me, my children, that while no one else understands the sacrifices I've made, that someday you will look back and maybe just catch a glimpse. Just that much of an understanding. We think enough alike, you are capable of that.


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Saturday, January 2, 2010


Just a few random updates and observations as of late...

Side walks are extremely icy this time of year. Especially on a bicycle. The thing slid right out from under me today, thus I have a nice bruise on my left hip and a slightly stiff back.

I have a serious aversion to having hair anywhere on my body, except my head. I wax and pluck everything except my eyebrows, but I simply have too few of those already. It's a good thing I don't grow hair on my legs or I'd be a wreck. You don't know how much time I pass by plucking and waxing - definitely border line OCD. On the bright side, it keeps me inside and not out fluttering into trouble quite as often.

In October, with the help of some friends, I moved out of the Addams family home so that I wouldn't end up in jail as a victim of circumstance. I find my new home environment extremely peaceful even though life continues to fall down around me. April has even come over just to sit and chat; which she hasn't done at my home since I moved to Fort Wayne over 3 years ago.

My foot that I broke wayyy back in September via skateboarding is finally on the mend, I do believe. I quit wearing my big honking boot last weekend after purchasing a new pair of sneakers (bargain price of $9 - go me!). I can nearly walk without a limp as long as my other knee isn't out of place, as it sometimes tends to do. I'm excited for softball this Spring, even though I anticipate having to wear my knee brace along with an ankle brace this year. Getting old is rough. And NO - that is NOT an indication that I should be slowing down. Don't hold your breath on that one!

April and I stumbled upon a fine artist of hula hoops, so until I'm back into full force on the mobilty avenue, I'll be squiggling around with a large plastic ring twirling about. Can't wait!

I believe I'm suffering from withdrawal on the lack of audial pleasure that my ears have gone through in recent months. While I have stumbled across some new talent and had the pleasure of hearing some old favorites now and again, it seems far too few in between exaggeratigly long dry spells. The weather needs to break so I can pick up the pace!

The romance front remains ever dismal. I was yelled at last week for being honest about a friends with benefits situation to guy that I've been disgustedly in love with for months but haven't seen since July. Pathetically enough, I've turned down many dates and random offers as I sat waiting for him while he fills my head with empty promises - but only when he's not seeing someone else. He's on his 4th girlfriend in 6 months, yet I'm the gooney for finally giving in to the call of nature and aquiring a steady buddy and having the balls to be honest about it? Ummm, no. Buh-bye. Mind fucking session = over with. I'm not here to stroke someone's ego while my own becomes crushed day by day. I had too little to begin with.

Yeah, I still have several calling and texting me, but I've gotta be selfish and focus on my life for a little while. I've got a lot going on.

I still have not re-instated my drivers license since losing it in August. I'm weighing the pro's and con's continually day by day, and thus far it has made more sense to forgo the exorbitant cost that it will require of me.

Hmmm, I seem to have written more than I had planned tonight. Later this week I want to write a "bucket list" for this year ... and take a more in depth look at my scattered dating life. It's in serious need of review!

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Friday, January 1, 2010

left behind

This time, I made the err in judgement. This time, I wanted to believe.

I did not fall.
I JUMPED. As I sometimes do. While I did not stick the landing, and I do not walk away unscathed, I will be the one walking away.

There may have been a stumble in the first few awkward steps.
There may have been a pause while I turned to glance around.
There may have been hesitation in leaving you behind.

But I will walk away. I will watch my step. And you will be left behind.

Mark these words as you never listened to another before.

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