Monday, March 30, 2009


Here it is! Post # 100... how exciting *sarcasm*

I'm still trying to shake this fucking depression. It hasn't gone anywhere. Randomly tonight, out of nowhere, this song starts rambling through my messed up head:

please don't say i love you
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
don't think you realize the power you have over me
and please don't come so close

it just makes me
want to make you near me

please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
and please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
please don't look at me like that

it just makes me
want to make you near me

please don't send me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway

it just makes me
want to make you near me

and when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
it's nothing that i understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
so be gentle if you please, 'cause
your hands are in my hair,
but my heart is in your teeth

and it makes me
want to make you near me

Jewel ~ near you always

Now, I haven't heard Jewel in YEARS. Literally. How does this shit just pop in & start playing? Ugh. Just go away! Out of my head! Out out OUT I tell you!


It's not working. I just want to know what the hell I did?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Who am I? Or is it best to ask, who do I appear to be? Is anyone really who they seem to be...

Truth is a fiction. Love is a lie. Life is a game. Checkmate.

I am selfish to the core. Who isn't though? Even the most pure of intentions are selfish. Every action is taken through selfish means. Sure, you intend to make the world a better place. Why would you do that? Because it makes you happy? Because it make you happy. You think. So, you are chasing happiness. Actions taken in a selfish nature, don't you agree?

Selfish: concerned chiefly or only with yourself and your advantage to the exclusion of others.

There in lies the key.... Exclusion.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I haven't talked to you in weeks
I think of you each night

I haven't heard your voice in weeks
I hear your voice each night

I haven't seen your face in weeks
I see your face each night

I haven't felt your touch in weeks
I feel your touch each night

Can you tell me why?
When will you return what I did not give?
What you took so easily.
May I at least ask..... WHY?


All the while wishing
that you dreamnt
of me

Monday, March 23, 2009


What I want to say is
Why did you go?
What I want to say is
Why didn't you stay?

What I want to know is
Why did you lie?
What I want to know is
Why not the truth?

What I want to do is
Hide from the pain
What I want to do is
Sleep away again

What I really need is
The unthinkable
What I really need is

Sunday, March 22, 2009

gee, thanks

My kidlets were chowing on sugar cookies this morning, in Christmas shapes at my dad's house. I'm not exactly sure why they were in Xmas shapes, but whatevs, kept the kids munching. Near the end of the tub the oldest two were fighting over who got the last GREEN tree shaped cookie. Mind you, there were other cookies in the tub, just not green. I walked by and told them, "Stop fighting, all the trees taste the same!" My ex had brought the youngest two boys up so he was sitting at the table with them. He piped his two cents into the conversation with, "Yeah, your mom has had enough wood in her mouth, she would know." WOW! Splendid thing to say to your ex, especially in front on four children, all under the age of 9. Luckily, they didn't catch it. TG!

He's just so full of wonderful things to say. For instance, later that day when we were coming back to Fort Wayne & discussing where the oldest two needed dropped off, my 4 year old son asks, "Where are we gonna put momma?" meaning where do I need to be dropped off at. Ben wrily looks out the window with a mumbled, "I don't think you want me to answer that."

It was a fun day.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

f* my life

Last week while perusing Boobs, Injuries & Dr Pepper, I clicked the link and stumbled across F* My Life ( I'd love to give you the links to these pages, but I'm posting this from mobile blogger which doesn't allow me to insert hyper links (that I'm aware of) **EDIT - I have since fixed this via regular pc **.

I haven't laughed so hard in many many months! Hilarious and heart breaking all at once. The rules at FML are: every anecdote must start with "Today" and end with "FML" (Fuck My Life). There are no taboo subjects.

Examples (not mine):

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

This is MY version, that happened nearly a month ago:

Today, I awoke to two pictures of engagement rings that my boyfriend wanted me to choose from. I immediately told him that I wasn't ready to talk about marriage with him because I am concerned that his divorce isn't final & he doesn't seem to be taking any steps to finalize it. He responded by having his "soon-to-be-ex" send me an email saying that she is happy for us & never wants him back. Immediately after she did what he requested, he blew up at me saying he was still in love with his WIFE & that we are over because I communicated with the woman who tore his heart out. FML

wasted time


FireFly by Breaking Benjamin

This fucking life, I can't a break to save myself!! I have thought all day about the good things that I could possibly muster up in order to write a not-so-negative post. Instead, I sit to write & find a fucking RETARDED comment on myspace about some drama that happened more than 2 years ago. This clueless twit has the audacity to go off out of no where & proceed to tell me how "gross & fucked up" I am, when she has her story totally twisted! The comment, which is public, has sat on my page for who knows how long today. Yes, her issue has a tiny bit of truth behind it, but has been stretched, twisted, and played telephone with until it no longer resembles anything near truth. Bullshit that I have already dealt with & moved on from; cut my losses, ended my fucked up marriage, lost a good friend & both sister-in-laws over.

When will this end? Everything for him & a life of nothing for me. I was better off when he disappeared for 6 years & his kids didn't even know he existed. Instead, I openly give him the chance to be a father & have his family... the shit I have swallowed & continue to face daily...

OMGosh I was not a perfect person & none of the bullshit that he pulled ever gave me the right to become the person that I did for a short time; but there is NO reason for ANYone to dare judge me & attack me on a subject they know NOTHING about. NOTHING. And why is this always coming from the people who supposedly tried to help convince me that I shouldn't be treated the way I was allowing him to treat me?? It's truly a fucked up world.

I'd really appreciate it if EVERYone that ever had anything to do w/that damn barn cat just simply forgot my name & that I ever existed. Ok, so everyone but UPIC & Shane; there is no way I would have made it through so many dark days & had the strength to completely rid myself of the fish bowl chaos w/out her standing in the shadows to catch my soul every time it fell. Shane has done the same for me in the last two months, well he's always been there as a friend, but more now than ever in dealing with this last escapade.

Back to the clueless drama, she's been on my friend list on myspace for many many months now ... and yes, she's still there (the comment is NOT). I'm not going to delete her. If she's going to be a bitch about some drama that she doesn't even have her facts straight on, without even questioning ME or the other party involved (and I'm talking about the TWO of us that were there that ONE night), then she can delete her damn self off. I have no problem with having idiots on my page, there are several there already.

My page is public so that every fricken shallow bitch that falls for his lies can have a front row view of my life. In fact, the front row is reserved for haters. Get a good look, because this is my finger flying in your face bitches. I have nothing to hide from you, from anyone. Certainly nothing that I have to answer to anyone else for. Reality will find you one day & you will see how much time you have wasted. You will also see why I'm the callous, cold-hearted bitch that I am & and why I don't put up with tiniest inch concerning the barn cat.

I cannot afford to.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I have not changed. My mind is still the same. Passion is not lost, nor grown. Nothing has been misplaced. I am who I have always been. Always.

Lately, extra attention has been placed on my misery & wellfare. Please do not worry too much. I express myself here in order to attempt to lighten my soul, shake the darkness. While I am momentarily unsuccessful, do not be concerned that it will always be such.

You would like to know the issues that have caused this darkness? Through a long chain of events, between my poor decision making and the inequality that is life, in just over two years: I have lost two houses that I owned, and then the house that I was renting, just last month.

I married the jerk who had taken everything from me in the first place, because I foolishly loved him. FOOLISHLY. I endured a year & half divorce, starting 3 days after we married. I had him put in jail, finally, for domestic abuse, and tried endlessly to keep the kids from knowing what was going on.

I've lost two jobs. I seriously was fired from a bar for being too old & not pretty enough, after working there for 9 months, 6 days a week, open to close. When Summer started, he wanted "hot, fresh" college girls. Yes, my boss was a pig, but I made mad money there. He lost MANY customers when he fired me. He also paid me unemployment for 6 months.

I've had 4 cars completely break down, past the point of being repairable. I now own nothing but a bicycle for transportation.

When I married the jerk, I moved 300 miles away from my youngest two boys. I see them once every 6 weeks, if I'm lucky, for a day & half. Ben will bring them up this weekend, but then I will not see them again for more than 3 months, because I have no car. I pay a ridiculous amount of child support; I cannot afford a car pymt. My boys are 3 & 4; I have missed their entire lives for the last 2 years.

When I left KY, left the boys with Ben, I broke his heart. He hates me. HATES me. I cannot blame him. He is still hard on me, unreasonable at most times. It is still hard on him. I did not love him. I tried, for 6 years, I tried. He did not want me to go. Still does not want me to be gone. I left 3 years ago this month.

Since I haven't had a place to live for the last month, nor have I had a car for the last three weeks, my oldest 2 kids, 8 & 9, now live with their dad. In another city. With his alcoholic mom. And his deranged family. They hate it; I can do nothing about it, right now.

Last month, I lost my childhood best friend, Dixie. She was my horse I'd had for over 17 years. She was my only friend for many years. She taught me patience, unconditional love, and so many things that I can never begin to explain. Never. My daughter started riding her 5 years ago. Dixie was not sick; she simply laid down one night & did not get up the next morning.

I have tried to avoid all things to do with men, as it only adds complication. I failed... I fell. Hard & fast. He left me, because I have too many "issues" “ which I explained all of BEFORE I agreed to even date him. He pursued me, filling my head with how worth it I was, and then walked away, rudely telling me that I need medicated. And that I'm fucked up. He still emails me to tell me how I have pissed him off (I haven't even done anything) & how he's going to take it out on my friends, by cancelling their shows. And then even tell them that it is all because of me. All of this because I have a fortress of walls surrounding my heart & doubted that he really loved me. Because I thought we were moving too quickly. Because I could not let him in right away. Because I was NOT worth the wait. Didn't I say that from the start? Where did I go wrong? Read back from the start of this blog. Read the blogs on myspace from before I began writing here. I hide NOTHING. It has all been laid out, in black & white.

The bright side: I have a job. I hate it, but I HAVE it, temporarily. I have extremely wonderful friends. I have a few family members who know the true meaning of family. I am healthy, for the most part.

Is this enough? Enough for me to be saddened by life? There are so many things left out of here, but these are the basics. Please don't worry too much. Everyone has their story, their troubles. It is not anymore than anyone else has ever had to deal with. Eventually something must give.


I cannot even begin to post tonight. For starters, "tonight" is early "tomorrow" morning. I have but merely 2 precious hours before I must prepare for work. What is wrong with me!? Plenty! I will be paying for this tomorrow, right after lunch, maybe 2pm when I'm on the last two hour stretch until the end of the work day. Ruggid. Rough. Filled with unwanted thoughts. Tormenting. As is my life.

How does this happen? 9pm turns to midnight, then 2am before I can blink. Now nearly 4am! Madness! Pointless to attempt sleep at this point. With what is on my mind, I will never aquire sleep anyway. It will be haphazard. Untimely. Uncomforting. And mostly unreliable. I would like to say unfair, but that is not so.

Tomorrow will be better? Not so much.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I read a newspaper article today, randomly, stating that people with my characteristics & traits are classified as borderline personality disorders. I have an issue with that article! Mostly because I don't want to have a personality disorder. But what the hell, I probably do. If that's the case, what can I do to have a full disorder? I feel like I'm half-assing it. I'd much rather be a certifiable nut than a partial. I mean come on, who likes a partial anything?

Wait.... Can this be medicated? Just kidding! I'm horrible about even taking simple aspirin. I wait until the last moment before taking anything, and only then if I absolutely have to.

Is there possibly a temporary personality disorder? Like, one brought on by stress? If so, I'd like to master multiple personalities. I think I may already have the bi-polar disaster down pat. Awww, come on, wouldn't it be fun to be several people at once? I could creat different lives & different fantasies for each! Does each personality come with it's own little black book?? ;)

Monday, March 16, 2009

the chase

Self discovery just seems to bring me down. Is that even possible?

I think tonight I have realized that I am deeply addicted to the thrill of the chase. The relationship chase. However, I'm a little backwards, as I usually am. I don't want to chase. I want to be chased. I want to be worth it. Is that wrong?

I have so many issues; that I won't lie about. I'm honest. I'll tell you my fuck ups. My obsessions. My darkest nights & my brightest days. I've nothing to hide, which might be the issue. Some things are better left unsaid, maybe?

My cinderella story is not about the castle & the riches, it's about Love, which really is a fairy tale.

So, I will blink until my eyes finally close & I fall away into the night as my heart aches unabated.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

exquisite expectations

Just wash it down with alcohol.

Yes, Teays Vein, that is an splendid idea! I have been struggling with music lately; that it doesn't speak to me as it once did, as it should. Where did it go? Ah yes, I know. Abruptly taken from me ... because I shared it. But not this. Not standing two feet from the blaring speaker as Civilian Street, Teays Vein, Sirface, Clear Grey, & others pounded out the sweetest sounds my ears have taken the pleasure of absorbing in so very long. The beat. The lyrics. The lights. The drums, bass, guitar, vocals, keyboards at times. Everything to take my mind & soul to a new level, returning ME.

More importantly tonight, there was no alcohol. No liquid poison. Merely the remedy of a heart beat controlled ... replaced, even ... by the throbbing melodies funneled into my ears. So loud that it completely drowns out every unwanted thought and memory.

Between sets, April & I went to find the members of Clear Grey & adorn them with compliments of their extraordinary performance. We managed to find their gorgeous bass player, Emily Rogers, and purchased a cd from her. April found her first & had engaged in conversation while I checked out the crowd & bounced to the beat in my head, oblivious to life. When something in the conversation caught my attention, I abrubtly turned to listen. Seriously, this chick didn't even finish her sentence or take a breath, she look at me & exclaimed, "You have exquisite eyes!" Sweet!

"You can be messy & still be beautiful" - from my best friend.

During the evening April & I had many conversations, as usual. One conversation in particular has stuck with me today, and hopefully the rest of my life. Talking about relationships & their downfalls, our struggles, life's misery. She has made the comment on numerous occasions that she wants a partner in life with my qualities, a male me. Her comment last night... "you & I don't have the same views on everything, nor do we have the same things in common, but we agree to let each other just be who we are, no expectations..."

That line caught me. NO EXPECTATIONS.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

boobies, yes I have them

I kissed a gay man last night. Wait, let me rephrase this, a gay man kissed me. Not simply the peck on the cheek, or even the brief whisping of lips on lips that he usually leaves me with. Instead he grabbed me after a night of dancing and really kissed me. Uh, can you say shocked?

April & I were on the way to Rock the Fort, local rock band showcase, sitting in 6 lanes of traffic & I notice that I'm getting a lil blushed (which happens frequently & all too easily) while recanting the previous night's adventure. I started waving my hand in a vain attempt to make the splotchy go away. My dear friend is looking at me, which I chalk up to the fact that I'm still talking, but noooooo. She stutters & stalls as she tells me that I need to quit fanning myself ... because ... "You're, um, making them, uh, those, um... bounce." Well hello. Seriously she's afraid that my bounce is creating a distraction in traffic. And that my bounce is going to free my sporties from their carefully crafted position in my tank top. Wait till we hit the show ; )

Speaking of "hitting" & "the show", April needs all eyes forward while walking through a full parking lot. Here's why: after arriving at the Coliseum, we ambled across the parking lot, through the vehicles. She's looking back and getting excited about the details of her previous evening when *BAM* ... she twirls around, the breath knocked out of her, and, luckily for her, the side mirror still attached to the vehicle that she just tried to maim. I exploded with laughter. She walked right into a side mirror, boob first. THAT was funny.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

cinderella syndrome

They read you Cinderella;
you hoped it would come true.
That one day your Prince Charming
would come rescue you
Beauty over wisdom
to fit in with their styles.
Your Cinderella story
.........for a price

What are you doing?
Pushing buttons.
Because that is what I do.


for a moment
that you know me

for a moment
that you ever tried

wake the fuck up

You created yourself;
and I devastated myself.
You made it crystal clear
like muddy water.

Did you not know me from the start?
You thought you did.
You should have.
I am not that difficult.
I knew you.

Ego stands in the way of life.
Love doesn't stand a chance.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Two nights ago
standing in the extra large bathroom
at April's house
her youngest daughter lying on the floor
April sitting beside her....
young V looks up at me
as I gaze at the discoloration of my face
and broken spirit in the mirror...
I hear a soft spoken
"you're beautiful"

I glanced down into the vivid blue eyes gazing back up at me.
What does she see?

Certainly not what I see, looking in the mirror before me.
The tired, lifeless eyes. The sparkle gone. Oh sure, sometimes it's there ... for a moment or two, fleetingly dazzling the world before fading quickly into its hiding place, down into the depths.

The pale skin. Distorted. The pure exhaustion that racks my body from the exertion of facing each day ... Some days riding an exhorbant high, only to come crashing down, spiraling out of control toward a vast unknown. All of this has taken it's toll on me. In such a short time. It feels like a lifetime already, but it has barely begun. One mere decade of adult hood, yet I am battered, broken, and sporting vicious scars. But sometimes, still fighting. Occasionally, at least.

I cannot help but wonder... what is it she sees? Does no one else see it? Oh, some may think they do. It's merely a picture. A facade. A manipulation. Find the right angle & we'll all resemble Angels.

I assure you, the real view... not so beautiful. Not so intruiging.

Unless you are 2 years old. Then, maybe.

Monday, March 9, 2009

outgrown love

I cannot think. I cannot talk. I cannot hear. I cannot write. My outlets have changed. Yesterday was the day the music died.

I cannot hear the words that used to put my soul at ease. The music that once soothed me is nothing but noise now. It does not find its place. It does not speak to me. It doesn't touch me. It holds no emotion. No recipe for calm.

I am unacceptable.
It was not love? You must be right. For why else would I feel this way?
Thank you, for your honesty & your incite.
I will return to being forgotten. Maybe one day you will return my heart? May I ask that you bring the music back to my soul as well? I am so empty without either.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

dark secrets

The bruises are on the outside now. For now, I can look at my reflection & SEE the lasting effects. I can watch as the days go by & the darkness fades. I can feel the physical pain coursing through my body, instead of the sometimes dull emotional throbbing or the often heart wrenching turmoil that has overtaken me the past few weeks.

You will not like to read this.

Closing my eyes, I can imagine that the throbbing through my face, neck & chest is the only real pain that I have; that the bruising that has transformed my body into a multi-colored platform effectively hides all other injuries - the injuries that seem unreal, imagined, intangible ... incurable.

It is my body. I will use it as I please. I am not here to please you, nor am I willing to sensor my words & actions. Do you want to see me as I really am?

Look again.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Last night I went on a severe binge drinking. Unhealthy, I know, and knew even then. I also knew that I would get a speech, because I am loved, in regards to my being out of state where she was not there to talk some sense into me & thus I set myself rampant. I also know full well the complete lashing that I will yet receive for these next few details on how my evening progressed into a "fun" night of disaster.

I started out by waking at 9am and indulging in a Rumplemintz spiked coffee. Then spent over an hour in the fitness room getting my blood circulating before returning to the condo to start cracking open the Bud Light, which I consumed a steady stream of until we left the condo @ 8pm to go dancing. Just prior to walking out the door, I slammed the final shot & half of Rumple & then gleefully follow my crew to the bar. I continued to drink until the bar closed at 1am, by which time I was now guzzling Long Island Ice Teas.

I sang Karaoke when I couldn't even read the words on the screen (too drunk) but managed to entertain my fellow patrons anyway. I danced on the bar & laughed until I couldn't breath. On the bright side of things, I didn't black out & I didn't puke! Yeah yeah yeah. I DID end up with many bruises from various things, as well as a puffy nose because some drunk dumbass fell into my face, head first.

Now, I don't know if it works this way for the rest of the world, but beer gives me gas the next day. I am not ashamed to admit this, merely ashamed of the fact that I accidentally released such a rank critter in April's van that it gagged her ... to the point that she jumped from the van and left what was remaining of her undigested dinner in the parking lot. Ooooops. Sorry hon.

Her response: reason #249 why I should not be a binge drinker.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Thoughts jumbled
Life askew
Focus lost
Train wreck

Where am I?

Better yet
WHO am I?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Will your eyes never lie to me
Will you never lead me astray
Will your hands forever hold me
Will you never close the door
Will your words never hurt me
Will you always pick me up

(Please don't say forever & ever ... when you are not ready)

Monday, March 2, 2009

my escapade - lessons

What I learned snow boarding today:

1. Keeping a blackberry in ya back pocket = not a good idea. Apparently, my ass is heavy. Since I spent a majority of my time hitting my ass on the hard packed snow, my heavy ass did some damage to my Crackberry. For 2 hrs after snow boarding most of my keys didn't work at all. Now they're all good except my vowel "ewe" - so I'm trying to write this by avoiding as many instances of needing a "ewe" as possible. If it reads ghetto, slang, or I simply type the needed word w/o the "ewe", please bear with me : )~

**edit** Spell checker saved me! Some words that I spelled w/o the "ewe" vowel were corrected via lovely spell checker! Yes!

2. Don't skimp on the beginners lessons in order to save $15. I tried to skip it, thinking a 15 min snow boarding incident over 5 yrs ago wood (<-- "ewe" incident) get me past the "beginner" level. Wrong! It took me 20 minutes to get 20 feet. Down the smallest incline EVER. Most of which I spent hitting my ass & then trying to get back onto my feet. Not so good. I went back in & paid for beginner lessons.

3. Snow boarding is NOT for clumsy, non-coordinated doofs (like me). Period. It should be illegal. Honestly. There were 5 year olds who had more grace than I. Sadly.

4. Did I mention one should NOT keep their phone in their back pocket? Bad idea.

5. Take lots of aspirin prior to beating ya body to pieces on the slopes. Lots.

6. It is completely possible to give ya self a concussion merely by smashing ya ass into the hard packed snow, even if ya head never hits the previously mentioned HARD snow. 4 hrs later & my head is still foggy from my last spill. Lost hearing. Blurry vision. Simply not making sense. Impaired speech even. No, I wasn't drinking!

7. Nights spent at the gym do NOT prepare ya body for even a mere few hrs of snow boarding. It is OMGosh on ya body! Oh My Gosh!

8. My heavily padded ass ... needs more padding. For real. That snow is hard packed, even hitting from only a standing position. I have been thrown from more horses than I can recall. 100's of times. I don't recall hitting with that velocity from so merely a small fall, ever. And I didn't even have half the padding I have now!

After effects:

9. I started writing this before dinner, then took a break to eat. At dinner, I didn't speak w/o mentally reviewing my sentence had a "ewe" word that I wood need to replace. How's that for craziness?

10. I took a hot jac'zzi bath to relax after the self induced beating. Ran the water. Dimmed the lights. Set my Crown Royal & sprite (first drink of the day) down on the side of the jac'zzi. Step one foot in. Acclimated to the temp. Slid the rest of the way in. Took a deep breath. Plop... In followed my Crown & sprite with merely a sip gone from its warm goodness. Maybe a new beauty trend?

11. The lack of the "ewe" key & trying to be creative in replacing "ewe" words is stimulating my thrashed neurons.

'Til tomorrow my friends.


I thought you to be the different one.

Leaving my worries as dust, discarded.
Overcoming fears that once plagued me,
Vicious circles now far behind.
Each day you drew me closer;

You won me with your words
Of passion, mystery and promises.
Unknowingly, I fell into your trap.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

my escapade - the weekend

Saturday evening we scored free tickets to what was advertised an a premier hip hop club & promised an endless night of dancing. We were stoked & ready to hit the dance floor like a troop of monkeys to the banana forest. It was a bit of a walk down the street, but not a distance that bothered me.

At 7:30, merely an hour after dinner, the group wanted to hit the road. I wasn't down for leaving the condo that early, but they wouldn't heed my word. So, allowing me about 20 minutes to get ready & slam a few shots, we hit the sidewalk on our way to The Party Hut.

We were the first ones at the club, as it wasn't even 9pm when we arrived. It was a nasty, run down, poor music, scary bathrooms, torn up pool tables, over charging crap hole. We decided to stick it out. Kind of.

Chris somehow thought he wouldn't need his ID & left it at the condo; thus they wouldn't let him in the club. He didn't want everyone to suffer his stupidity, so he decided to walk back & solo to get it. Missy wouldn't let him walk back himself & tagged along, leaving Cody (my lil bro), Linda (my mom), freaky Audrey, gay Mikel (I learned the correct spelling of his name) & I. We decided to play a game of pool to pass time until music & dancing started.

The pool table kept eating the cue ball & the game literally lasted an hour - having to wait between each scratch for the owner to come retrieve our cue ball in order to resume play.

Slowly the club started to fill little by little as more groups filtered in. I couldn't resist so I broke out onto the version dance floor, dragging my gay friend with me, who was looking damn hott by the way! If we could've located a more "colorful" club, I would've been there in a hot minute.

My dancing partner was on fyre; he's a fucking riot! We finally coerced the rest of the gang out on the dance floor while still waiting for Chris & Missy to return. Either we were enough entertainment for the rest of the club, or we simply scared the hell out of everyone, because the entire club flocked around the railing of the dance floor yet no one else would venture into our domain. Did I mention there was a pole??

I don't know where in the hell my lil bro got his moves from, but he shouldn't be single 'cuz he's got some sweet action. I felt ashamed being on the same dance floor with my lil bro busting his dirty moves. I tried to keep Mikel between us :)

Finally, Missy & Chris show back up & Missy dances with us for a bit. I'm in my own world, grooving like a funky chicken, when I realize that Mikel is the only one I see from my homies.

They ditched us. Seriously. At 11pm those chumps, without saying a word. I texted my brother who said he thought someone else had told Mikel & I. Nope! So we continued to dance!

After a bit, Mikel wanted to check out the scene across the street, so we headed out just after midnight. We stopped into Puckers but weren't impressed with the country music & thus headed upstairs to Hog's & Honey's. Who names these places anyway? We chilled there for the next 40 minutes, watching the scenery & checking out the people dancing on the bar, until the place closed at 1am. On a friday night. Wtf?

That was the end of my night. We walked back to the condo, again in the drizzling rain, and I crashed on the nearest bed.

I haven't left the condo all day today; simply sat sipping wine, nursing my head cold, and watching the snow fall onto the Smokey Mountains from our balcony while trying to ignore any thoughts of reality that try to creep in.

Tomorrow we are attemping snowboarding!