I sometimes have a hard time understanding family dynamics, as mine is fully dysfunctional. In October of 1997 I started dating the father of my oldest two children. It soon became the messiest relationship I have ever been thru. Only to get extremely worse. I am a trusting & forgiving person. He fed off of this. I often became plagued that his family would stick up for his actions, would cover for him, would even encourage him.
These people took me in immediately. Nicknamed me “Skippy” (come on, I was 17!!). Treated me like part of the family. I was sooo hungry for a family. I bought into every last word, each fake smile, and every emotional hug. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It took 11 years to figure that out, and even then, only with the help of a new “family”.
It took 11 years to figure out that some families, no matter how severely dysfunctional, will still always be family. No outsiders allowed. That’s ok by me, finally, because I’d rather NOT be included in the dysfunction, since I have so much of it naturally on my own!
I could never figure out why it was so easy for each of them to lie to me. They KNEW the truth; I was not a complete fool. Only partial. Because I wanted so desperately for the life that him & I had to be different from what he was making it. I was a fool for thinking it would be. But I am not a fool for stopping it now.
Over these 11 years, I have grown wiser (I’d like to think, but most likely will look back @ myself and laugh hysterically). It’s a bond that most sisters & brothers, mothers & fathers, sons & daughters have with each other; the ability to accept each member as they are, without judgment. Without hypocrisy.
While I still feel obliged NOT to be a part of that family, I do understand the family love that would allow each member to commit such deceit & dishonesty. Someday, I will look back at them & smile.
Because somewhere there is a true family, one that doesn’t HAVE to allow lying, stealing, cheating & all that comes with those things, as normal behavior.
Somewhere, there is something better.
The Tao of unsaying
5 weeks ago