Saturday, February 2, 2008

candy hearts (and then some)

It's February 2nd. I'm not sure if the ground hog saw his shadow or not. I don't really buy into that gibberish. Yesterday was my youngest son's second birthday. Which I missed. I can't even begin to explain that. In due time.

February = the month of love. Romance. None of which I have in my life. My mom sent me eight boxes of candy hearts. The kind with sayings printed on them, but most of the sayings are faded or not stamped correctly so you don't really know what they say. I tore into a box. Crunch crunch crunch. The other people in the library are not so pleased as I walk around aimlessly crunching every few minutes.

Side note: I'm usually not predispossed to eating sugar. I've had the same bag of sugar in my house for at least the last six months. The only reason that half of it is gone is because Ben brought the boys up over New Years. Which is, by the way, the last that I saw them. Anyway, back to the crunching of candy hearts. These are Necco brand. Are all candy hearts Necco brand? I'm not sure, but these are extraordinarily good. That or I just haven't had any for a really long time. My daily diet consists of fresh fruit & veggies at home, and fried bar food at work. My stomache is not really happy with the fact that I'm on my third box. I'm not entirely sure what the addiction is at the current moment, but I'm going with it.

crunch crunch crunch

I've always been a day dreamer. Off in my own world. Completely & utterly oblivious to the real world. Dreaming of romantic moments. Being swept of my feet by prince charming. That didn't exactly happen. Ever. In my life. My most romantic moments were rolled up like a burrito in front of a wall heater during the middle of winter. Ten years of memories & that's all we have. The first two months rolled up in blankets, laying in each other's arms, talking. It was all down hill from there. And, being me, I rolled with it all the way to the bottom of the damn mountain. And here I stand. Looking upward.

Never in my life have I had a memorable Valentines Day. With bc (barn cat as he is known in the circle of exes) it was a lustful tragdic relationship that never had a chance, as barn cats never settle down. And then, B was just pure comfort. It was an easy relationship. I rode the wave way too long, ruined a life that could've been great.

I have all these fantasies (not the bedroom variety people!) about what will happen this year. A phone call. A txt. Flowers sent to my work. Any sort of pleasant surprise. Of course, in my heart of hearts I know nothing will happen. Just quiet aching. Yet, I know I'm not alone in this aching, this sense of loss on what other people seem to have found, soul mates.

I look down. Are these arms? Why yes. Yes they are. And I wrap them tightly around myself. Blocking out the world.

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