watched you fall

This was a reply to the comments on "saying goodbye" but became so long and meaningful that I felt it deserves it's own post. And I also took a picture of me reaching out in into the darkness; reaching for those who are always there to catch me as I continue to stumble.

@ UPIC: Strength, no. I've become worse than anything ever imaginable. Decisions made that cannot be taken back or undone. Life in ruins. Struggling moment by monment to salvage the remains. Not finding myself successful.

@ Wings: While I love you dearly, it's not your responsibility to be my babysitter. Out of so many days of hell, I cracked one night and elapsed back into chancing the wrong-place-wrong-time syndrome, with no regards as to where that would put me. You have always rushed to my side when life crashes down around me, no matter what the time or distance, when others could not. I don't expect you to run to me everytime I crumble; we both know how frequently that happens.

Again, strength? No, I find myself lacking in that area. I've only ever made it thus far by the strength of those around me. I deal with nothing more than life, the same life as eveyone else.

Today though, I realized that Briana is ten and Tyler is nine. Do you see what this means?! I'm HALF WAY! He cannot affect my life when our bond of raising children has been broken. It can only become easier with time. There is nothing else left for him to do to me.

I've also come to realize that while I cursed him for being gone for six years, I now understand why he was. Without the turn of events, I would not have had my strength in the darkness.

Brooks Meredith Blurring The Edges Watched You Fall

You were my wild companion
we were forever high high high
we burned the night around us
sleeping could wait until we die
You wear the scars of passion
and since the crashing came
You've broken every promise
I walked away

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing

when you crawl

It's such a weary feeling
When you've been stealing from yourself
wishing the world away
blaming someone else
noone can do this for you
straighten your hair
fix your face
Take all the pain inside you

wash it away

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing

when you crawl

Did I hear you?
Did I try?
Can I forgive myself for not standing by?

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing,

laughing when you crawl
I was blind to ya
was lying to you
said I love you but I'm laughing
when you crawl

was blind to ya
you fall
I watched you fall
I watched you

kid banter

Yesterday my 10 year old daughter sitting in the back seat telling her story about getting bruises from the full contact flash cards game at school when 9 year old Tyler, not to be out done in the story telling dept, pipes up out of the blue, "so, I have a sore on my butt." I had the conversation on "low" in the background -- only partially listening to the banter -- until THAT came out. I didn't know which to ask first - why did he think that was an acceptable addition to the conversation ... or why does he have a sore on his butt? And who else has he been telling this to? Of course, I had to catch my breath and stop myself from peeing my pants before anything coherent could come out.



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saying goodbye

Stress; let me tell you this. I walked 45 minutes - yeah, in my walking cast, yell at me later - from the bar after 1 1/2 pitchers, one crown & sprite and one shot of something unknown for the birthday boy (I don't recall his name).

I heard the name Wayne fifty fucking times - totally unrelated. Then he started texting me and well, it could have stayed unrelated.It's all bs anyway.

As always, I had a crowd around me, being the "hott new girl". I don't buy it. Maybe it's the effect of the alcohol on all those old men. I left shortly after a bar fight started because one of the late comers thought it would be a smart idea to fake whisper into my ear and try to kiss me. Of course I dodged it, being the master at dodging drunk kisses. Birthday boy saw the kiss attempt and it was on like donkey kong in a matter of seconds.

I walked home, thru many puddles, dark roads, and strangers lurking. I still made it. Why? Because life doesn't fuck with you when you want it to. I'm walkin down the middle of the street at 1am in the middle of November in Fort Wayne, Indiana, on the south fuckn side and guess what?! I'll still be here tomorrow. That's my luck.

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stimulation

Today's random fml: "My girlfriend suffers from persistant sexual arousal syndrome and has over 250 orgasms a day." Does anyone else see the problem here? SUFFERS? Um, no. How does one suffer from this? Hello. What does it say about me that I've avoided blogging forever now because I'm so depressed, but posting about orgasms seems interesting. I need a life... or other stimulation. Mental! Geesh.



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unfair words

"You want to be in love so badly, but are so afraid to actually allow yourself to be in love."

"Well what am I suppose to do if he's afraid too? Or just doesn't want it? Huh? It's not me holding back from him this time."

"Well that's life, we all have to deal with what we're given. None of us asked for it."

"That's an unfair come back."