watched you fall

This was a reply to the comments on "saying goodbye" but became so long and meaningful that I felt it deserves it's own post. And I also took a picture of me reaching out in into the darkness; reaching for those who are always there to catch me as I continue to stumble.

@ UPIC: Strength, no. I've become worse than anything ever imaginable. Decisions made that cannot be taken back or undone. Life in ruins. Struggling moment by monment to salvage the remains. Not finding myself successful.

@ Wings: While I love you dearly, it's not your responsibility to be my babysitter. Out of so many days of hell, I cracked one night and elapsed back into chancing the wrong-place-wrong-time syndrome, with no regards as to where that would put me. You have always rushed to my side when life crashes down around me, no matter what the time or distance, when others could not. I don't expect you to run to me everytime I crumble; we both know how frequently that happens.

Again, strength? No, I find myself lacking in that area. I've only ever made it thus far by the strength of those around me. I deal with nothing more than life, the same life as eveyone else.

Today though, I realized that Briana is ten and Tyler is nine. Do you see what this means?! I'm HALF WAY! He cannot affect my life when our bond of raising children has been broken. It can only become easier with time. There is nothing else left for him to do to me.

I've also come to realize that while I cursed him for being gone for six years, I now understand why he was. Without the turn of events, I would not have had my strength in the darkness.

Brooks Meredith Blurring The Edges Watched You Fall

You were my wild companion
we were forever high high high
we burned the night around us
sleeping could wait until we die
You wear the scars of passion
and since the crashing came
You've broken every promise
I walked away

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing

when you crawl

It's such a weary feeling
When you've been stealing from yourself
wishing the world away
blaming someone else
noone can do this for you
straighten your hair
fix your face
Take all the pain inside you

wash it away

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing

when you crawl

Did I hear you?
Did I try?
Can I forgive myself for not standing by?

I watched you fall
I was blind to ya
was lying to ya
like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing,

laughing when you crawl
I was blind to ya
was lying to you
said I love you but I'm laughing
when you crawl

was blind to ya
you fall
I watched you fall
I watched you