Dear World: I’m pleased to meet you.
The other night I was helping my son do a crossword puzzle. As smart as people tend to think I am, I struggle with crossword puzzles. But just for the “fun” of it, I decided to give the incredulous world of crossword puzzles yet another try. Obviously, I’m not one to learn from failure. My son, 8 years old, isn't getting very many of the answers. In fact, he has four filled in on the whole page. As I glance through the clues, looking for easy ones I find this: Marathon (four letters). So I ask the kids, what’s a marathon? Tyler’s face light’s up as he says, “Oh, I know this! A GAS STATION!”
A couple of weeks ago I was shopping with my mother for the afternoon. In the checkout I spotted a watermelon flavored laffy taffy. Yummy! I haven’t had one of those since I was a kid, so I bought it. While walking across the parking lot to her vehicle I snagged a few bites & then threw it onto the front seat before walking into the next store. Fast forward about 45 minutes where mom & I are sitting out front of the kids’ school when the doors open & children start escaping. I open the car door & step out to wrestle my kids away from their friends so we can head home. However, I feel something a little odd when I try to get out of the car; my clothes don’t feel quite right. Kind of like when you step out of the bathroom & you just KNOW your skirt is tucked into your undies or something foolish. Mom says, “Uh, Triana…” and as I turn to look I catch a glimpse of something moving behind me. Or wait, not quite moving behind me, but more like behind me moving when I move. EEEKK! I grab the rug that used to be a seat cover but is now my ass flag. As I pull in confusion on the rug, I see a sticky string of ….. duh ta da! TAFFY! Stuck to my bum & the rug in a nice pink trail. YUMMY. Can’t wait to sink my teeth into that taffy again.
Also, this is how my life goes: October 7th I had a pretty important birthday party to attend for Bree Olsen. The day before I’m trying to pull together last minute errands for the party while still getting my normal daily duties done. So, I’m breaking in my new high heel sandals (at the bargain price of ONE whole dollar! Fucking GO ME!) while doing the laundry. I also need to tan so I go to the laundry mat that has the $2 tan special while your doing laundry. As I’m leaving the laundry mat w/my big clothes tub piled HIGH, my feet greasy & sweaty from tanning, and me just plain CLUMSY – the combination leads to … oh yeah, that would be me tripping in the parking lot, dropping my entire clothes basket on it’s side, and stumbling into two guys that are staring at me. I twisted my ankle but that’s nothing to having my clean laundry scattered amidst the gravel parking lot & my bra & assortment of odd barely there undies at these two grown men’s feet. N-I-C-E. Luckily, my face was already beat red from the tanning bed so there really wasn’t much blushing for either of them to notice. But I did get a quick lecture on being more careful – from two complete strangers! Aye!
I was chastised for not mentioning this in my last “funny” post – so here it is April! My junior year of high school I wore a fake nose ring to school for many months. I played basketball & we were not allowed to wear jewelry during a game, so before games I would do a quick “jewelry check” that resembled either a catholic prayer or crazy baseball signals, as I checked fingers, belly button, ears, neck line, & lastly, my nose. Coach always got a good chuckle out of watching me do this just before leaving the locker room.
My best friend, also my locker partner, my basketball teammate, and often my ride home from practice, would not talk to me for nearly two months during my nose ring phase. I thought she would just get over it & I truly could not understand WHY she would throw such a big deal over it. I was always pulling crazy, loopy stunts, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like I actually put an extra hole in my nose! We had almost all of the same classes, ate lunch at the same table, spent nearly every minute of the day in close vicinity of each other, yet she would not utter a word to me, nor hardly glance in my direction. Finally, it came out. Not my nose ring, but the reason she stopped talking to me. Her reason: I was being FAKE. According to her, it would’ve been acceptable if it were REAL. Ummm, wow. I have had my hair seventy billion colors, wore up to nine necklaces at one time, had seven piercings in my ears alone, can’t even count how many rings I’d pack onto my fingers & toes, and there is no end to the other atrocious moves I’ve pulled, but she’s peeved at me for faking a nose piercing. Where does that come from?
About five years after high school, I happen to be digging thru some of my old belongings & found the above mentioned offensive nose ring. I was going on a date with my boyfriend & his mom was going to watch the kids for the evening. Just for giggles I pulled out that old nose ring & put it on while getting dressed to go. My boyfriend crinkled his nose & rolled his eyes at me, but didn’t say a word. I had showed it to him earlier in the day & retold the high school story, which is never nearly as funny as when it really happened. We had to stop & get gas on the way out of town so as I’m sitting in his truck staring around I hear a honk from the vehicle next to us. It happens to be his mom w/my kids (3 & 4yrs old)! My daughter’s look was hilarious as she asked, “Mom, what happened to you? What’s on your face?” My boyfriend’s mom rolled her eyes and dryly stated, “Don’t worry kids, she’s just trying to relive her youth. When she comes back, she’ll still be your mom.”
Will I though?
The Tao of unsaying
5 months ago