Wednesday, September 2, 2009

words unspoken

I haven't been blogging lately, though I've had some really good conversations to blog about & have received several hints as to what would make good blog material ... *April* I'm fairly sure the comment about whose quote would be next was in reference to my lack of post on our recent conversations. The thing is, I just don't have it.
No creativity.
No drive.
No desire.
Everything I want to say, I've already said in so many ways. Redundancy irks me, so I avoid it *mostly*. The stark reality is that LIFE is redundant. Over and over. I need to come to terms with that.

I've big news that also lends itself to why my posts are lacking, I've learned to pry myself away from my crackberry for large periods of time. I used to jot everything note worthy down in the notes section of my phone as it came up in conversation, but I no longer have my phone as a 24/7 attachment to my right hand. My depressed mind just doesn't keep up with thoughts like it used to. I feel fairly independent not having to have my crackberry fix as often per day. Liberation!

I want to just say some things today. They mean nothing and will go no where, but I feel better releasing them from my head.

I could've been the woman of your dreams, but you keep dating these ugly nazi chics and ditching me. What's up with that? But most of all, why the fuck am I stuck on it!?!? Why was it so important to you to have me as a friend when you don't even talk to me when I finally gave in? I want to control this gut reaction and this emotional rush that over comes me. When I do, it will be the last of me. You ask why I'm so mean; it's not a meanness of character, it's a defense mechanism.

I just want to say, STOP FAKING IT! Stop pretending that you've found your soul-mate when you're so miserable that you call me saying you want to commit suicide. Stop using me as an emotional roller coaster. Stop whining about the tiny little things that aren't going right & make the change instead of looking for someone to band-aid it! Stop latching onto every relationship that throws itself at your feet.

You are him, that man that I hate.
What the fuck is that attraction in life?

Lonely? So am I. Better than being miserable.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

1 comment:

tale of many cities said...

hope the release of words, was a release on your heart too.

continued blessings & best of wishes sent your way...
-Tracie