Summer of '96 - Reunited with my elementary school best friend, Kristy, we headed up to the local fair. At 16 she's apalled that I'm not only still a virgin, but have never even kissed a boy, let alone held hands or anything remotely close to interactive with the opposite sex. Later that night, she talks me into playing truth or dare with her and a local carnie. First kiss on a dare, that's where it all began. From there I spent the night making out with him, exploring the release of the beast that would one day consume me.
Within a month, I lost my virginity while staying the night at my sister's house. My sister was at work, a random friend of a friend stopped by, just out of prison that day. I never asked what or why. He came back later that night knowing I would be alone. It was unromantic, rushed, and meaningless. There was no introduction, no conversation, no prelude. No explanation, no aftermath, no reaction. A few minutes, a momentary interaction, innocence lost, as he walked quickly out the door, disappearing into the night.
That fall brought Ed, my first actually boyfriend. We fucked at night when he was drunk and high; but by day we didn't know each other, besides objectifying me as a joke with his friends. Fall months progressed into Winter, then Spring. Humiliation did nothing for my tender self image. I had always been nothing to everyone, an afterthought at best; to trade in that acceptence for a warmth at night seemed logical. I wanted to be loved, I could settle for being used, at least it was something.
What little inner strength I had accumulated suffered a trecherous blow one Spring evening in '97 when his best friend and self proclaimed brother, a man I knew on a daily basis, the man dating my then best friend Ashley, ripped a hole in my spirit that can never be more than roughly patched over. A day that would become everyone woman's screaming nightmare. Shoving me into the cusions of the couch. Holding down not just my body, but also my mind, will power, and faith in humanity. I couldn't fathom an answer to the horrifying questions racing through my mind. Tears froze, words could never regain their momentum, sanity stuffed loosely back inside a blank body. The lights inside my heart dimmed while the beast that was Terror fed on each agonizing second, turning my wilting flower heart to stone. I kept silent for weeks before emotion over came me, erupting as a vocano covering my friendships and relationship with a poisonous infecting ash.
The Spring months had changed Ed from abusive to doting, but my shattered ego and calloused heart knew not how to deal with it. The heavy dust had settled leaving the crystal clear air choking me with a lost freedom from a soul entranced in captivity. Compelled to break free, I fractured from my relationship with Ed, just before my 17th birthday in May of '97.
Within a few weeks, a random interlude with a fellow park basketball friend furthered my thinking that my body was not mine to give, merely the key to making and keeping of friends of the opposite sex. Then alcohol took it's turn as I earned a relentless lesson from a drunk night in a backyard, shaking my head no as the words slurred to come out. Memories from a few months prior threaten to crush my thoughts and body from the inside out. I couldn't move. Words stuck thick in my throat like soured honey, gripping to the bees nest while the stinging sensations from the angry swarm began to numb my inner revulsion. He walked away after the brief meeting of bodies, leaving me to stumble home broken and used, against my will but helpless to take a stand.
I steered a wide berth from anything and everyone that would even hint at being emotionally consuming from that point forward. October of 1997 broke me free of that spell, yet trapped me in the most devastating of all webs. I sat in a local teen hang-out at nearly midnight when April leaned over and whispered, "I don't know him very well, but I know well enough that you should stay away from him..." Seconds later I looked up into the eyes that would drink the life and soul straight from my injured remains, selfishly and without regret.
Oh to be able to travel back to that night. One aversion of my eyes could have saved my soul from a plightless death.
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The Tao of unsaying
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