Thursday, October 15, 2009

to W.C.

What you want to know:

That when I close my eyes it's you I want to open them and see; it's you that I see when my eyes are still closed. That it drives me insane -- I run for miles with the loudest music I can force through the head phones streaming through my ear piece, drowning out any thoughts, draining my emotions completely. That I bike ride for hours on end, pushing my legs and chest to the point beyond exhaustion, just to fall into my bed hoping for a peace that never comes.

That I remember the oddest things about our walks and talks: chasing rabbits, catching squirrels, the smell of skunks, skateboarding and even laughing about mopeds in the rain. Looking at you smiling about random jokes. Watching your face light up with your boys.

You want to know how I lay in bed and remember you beside me, holding my hand, skin burning skin. What you don't know is how much I regret that night. How I wish I hadn't drank & been so miserable.

That I can't be near you without wanting your lips on mine. How I struggle to let go of you when my arms are around you, even though I try to convince myself otherwise. That I can't stand thinking about you, because your with someone else. That I'm only good enough for you when you don't have someone else.

That I'm in love with you, and I hate it, and I don't even know who you are, really.

What I hate even more is that you won't even give me that honesty.

What else do you want to know? I'll tell you.

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