almost

I haven't talked to you in weeks
I think of you each night

I haven't heard your voice in weeks
I hear your voice each night

I haven't seen your face in weeks
I see your face each night

I haven't felt your touch in weeks
I feel your touch each night

Can you tell me why?
When will you return what I did not give?
What you took so easily.
May I at least ask..... WHY?

Watching
Spinning
*sigh*
Gone.....

All the while wishing
that you dreamnt
of me
too

clarification

I have not changed. My mind is still the same. Passion is not lost, nor grown. Nothing has been misplaced. I am who I have always been. Always.

Lately, extra attention has been placed on my misery & wellfare. Please do not worry too much. I express myself here in order to attempt to lighten my soul, shake the darkness. While I am momentarily unsuccessful, do not be concerned that it will always be such.

You would like to know the issues that have caused this darkness? Through a long chain of events, between my poor decision making and the inequality that is life, in just over two years: I have lost two houses that I owned, and then the house that I was renting, just last month.

I married the jerk who had taken everything from me in the first place, because I foolishly loved him. FOOLISHLY. I endured a year & half divorce, starting 3 days after we married. I had him put in jail, finally, for domestic abuse, and tried endlessly to keep the kids from knowing what was going on.

I've lost two jobs. I seriously was fired from a bar for being too old & not pretty enough, after working there for 9 months, 6 days a week, open to close. When Summer started, he wanted "hot, fresh" college girls. Yes, my boss was a pig, but I made mad money there. He lost MANY customers when he fired me. He also paid me unemployment for 6 months.

I've had 4 cars completely break down, past the point of being repairable. I now own nothing but a bicycle for transportation.

When I married the jerk, I moved 300 miles away from my youngest two boys. I see them once every 6 weeks, if I'm lucky, for a day & half. Ben will bring them up this weekend, but then I will not see them again for more than 3 months, because I have no car. I pay a ridiculous amount of child support; I cannot afford a car pymt. My boys are 3 & 4; I have missed their entire lives for the last 2 years.

When I left KY, left the boys with Ben, I broke his heart. He hates me. HATES me. I cannot blame him. He is still hard on me, unreasonable at most times. It is still hard on him. I did not love him. I tried, for 6 years, I tried. He did not want me to go. Still does not want me to be gone. I left 3 years ago this month.

Since I haven't had a place to live for the last month, nor have I had a car for the last three weeks, my oldest 2 kids, 8 & 9, now live with their dad. In another city. With his alcoholic mom. And his deranged family. They hate it; I can do nothing about it, right now.

Last month, I lost my childhood best friend, Dixie. She was my horse I'd had for over 17 years. She was my only friend for many years. She taught me patience, unconditional love, and so many things that I can never begin to explain. Never. My daughter started riding her 5 years ago. Dixie was not sick; she simply laid down one night & did not get up the next morning.

I have tried to avoid all things to do with men, as it only adds complication. I failed... I fell. Hard & fast. He left me, because I have too many "issues" “ which I explained all of BEFORE I agreed to even date him. He pursued me, filling my head with how worth it I was, and then walked away, rudely telling me that I need medicated. And that I'm fucked up. He still emails me to tell me how I have pissed him off (I haven't even done anything) & how he's going to take it out on my friends, by cancelling their shows. And then even tell them that it is all because of me. All of this because I have a fortress of walls surrounding my heart & doubted that he really loved me. Because I thought we were moving too quickly. Because I could not let him in right away. Because I was NOT worth the wait. Didn't I say that from the start? Where did I go wrong? Read back from the start of this blog. Read the blogs on myspace from before I began writing here. I hide NOTHING. It has all been laid out, in black & white.

The bright side: I have a job. I hate it, but I HAVE it, temporarily. I have extremely wonderful friends. I have a few family members who know the true meaning of family. I am healthy, for the most part.

Is this enough? Enough for me to be saddened by life? There are so many things left out of here, but these are the basics. Please don't worry too much. Everyone has their story, their troubles. It is not anymore than anyone else has ever had to deal with. Eventually something must give.

cinderella syndrome

They read you Cinderella;
you hoped it would come true.
That one day your Prince Charming
would come rescue you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beauty over wisdom
to fit in with their styles.
Your Cinderella story
.........for a price
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are you doing?
Pushing buttons.
Why?
Because that is what I do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pretend
for a moment
that you know me

Pretend
for a moment
that you ever tried

Now,
wake the fuck up

You created yourself;
and I devastated myself.
You made it crystal clear
like muddy water.

Did you not know me from the start?
You thought you did.
You should have.
I am not that difficult.
I knew you.

Ego stands in the way of life.
Love doesn't stand a chance.

outgrown love

I cannot think. I cannot talk. I cannot hear. I cannot write. My outlets have changed. Yesterday was the day the music died.

I cannot hear the words that used to put my soul at ease. The music that once soothed me is nothing but noise now. It does not find its place. It does not speak to me. It doesn't touch me. It holds no emotion. No recipe for calm.

I am unacceptable.
Again.
It was not love? You must be right. For why else would I feel this way?
Thank you, for your honesty & your incite.
I will return to being forgotten. Maybe one day you will return my heart? May I ask that you bring the music back to my soul as well? I am so empty without either.

miscommunication

Will your eyes never lie to me
Will you never lead me astray
Will your hands forever hold me
Will you never close the door
Will your words never hurt me
Will you always pick me up

(Please don't say forever & ever ... when you are not ready)

meaningless

I thought you to be the different one.

Leaving my worries as dust, discarded.
Overcoming fears that once plagued me,
Vicious circles now far behind.
Each day you drew me closer;

You won me with your words
Of passion, mystery and promises.
Unknowingly, I fell into your trap.

fallen

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I was so close ... to nothing. Everything that plagues me today is directly related to a decision, a very poor decision, to marry the jerk I was in love with, knowing full well what he put me thru for nine yrs prior. Knowing that it wouldn't changed, but hoping against hope that he could. That he really wanted to.

Some things were different, if time had changed him in those ways, then couldn't time, effort & enough love change him in others? If he was willing... He said he was willing. Walking out of the courthouse he turned to me, "Now you're mine. Forever. You can't leave me" - my heart screamed into my ears NO! It was the WRONG reason! In that moment I saw him for who he truly is & would be everyday of his life.

I realized two things:

1) He would never change who he was. In his mind, he had no reason to. He never thought I would leave.

2) I had lost the unquestionable immense love that I had carried for so long. I was broken. Completely.

It took nearly a year and a half to legally undo what that fucking piece of paper & useless promise did in less than ten minutes. Nearly 9 months later, I am still trying to gather the broken pieces. That one moment of trust & faith has cost me everything. Literally EVERYthing.

And then ... someone came along. Someone who made it seem that the pieces were in fact all still there; that I hadn't lost any pieces, just maybe didn't have them in the correct order yet? However, there is a gap between us that I cannot seem to mend. An uncomfortableness that saddens me, yet it is not him who makes me sad, directly, merely the distance. I wasn't looking for this, just happened upon it accidentally. Now I don't want to let it go. Have I fallen in too deep of a hole?

dont read

I. close. my. eyes. and. I. smile. knowing. that. everything. is. alright.
~Blue October

I wish it were alright. I wish I were smiling. Instead, I can only look back at the moments I spent smiling, and then wonder where they went. How did I lose them already?

April's ocean theory - a person cannot survive within an ocean, cannot hold an ocean. It takes an ocean to blend with an ocean. I am a hurricane. Destructive? Maybe not what she meant, completely. She thinks he is also a hurricane. But how can two hurricanes work? Her response, "They become a tropical storm". Can that be healthy in any sense?

April, if that moment comes, where I'm sitting on the steps, questioning, tears or no tears, tell me that "No" is the answer. Don't even ask the question. Just a simple, firm, NO.

Tonight, depression drags me deeper.

complicated

Am I really that difficult? And why am I that "great" yet someone is always trying to change me? Is being me ever going to be good enough? Some feedback would be appreciated, just so I know.

barriers

I have been at my current job since November. One of the issues I have been having is simply communicating with other's who don't speak the same language. They fall through the cracks into the left behind; those that someone else deem's aren't worthy of the time. Is it really all that difficult, just to try? To reach out? A simple effort can go such a very, very long way. Inside the heart, are we not all the same?

Inside, there is the same pain. The same heartache. The same struggle. And even the same longing.

Wonderously, in some moments, the same thriving happiness. The same love. The same connection to the world. So why then, do these barriers exist? WHY is it so fucking difficult?

Language. So many, many avenues of language. The language we speak. The unspoken languages. The language of the heart & soul.

I despise that communication can create such havoc in one's life. Language barriers.

There is but one solid factor that can cross any barrier: love. Pure, simple, sweet LOVE. The kind the builds roots in your soul & grows strong through every storm.

My four year old son, sitting in my lap tonight as I was writing this, asked me if he could play a game on my phone. I told him, "not yet, I'm writing."

"Momma, why are you writing?"

I looked into his eyes, wise beyond his years, and decided not to hold back, "Because my heart hurts, baby".

I thought the conversation was over as he laid his head on me and stared off. A minute later, sitting up right once again, "Why don't you take some medicine?"

Lost in thought, trying to marry what was in my head & my heart; struggling to pour myself into the right language to be truthfully heard, I stumbled back to his sincere face staring intently at me. Those pale blue eyes opening that which I try so very hard to leave behind.

"Medicine for what honey?"

"For your heart." Those simple words brought stinging tears to my eyes.

"Sweetie, the only medicine for your heart is love," I whispered into his ear.

His crooked smile, "I love you momma," as he wrapped his arms around me and lay his head on my shoulder again.

He had broken the barrier. How could I have forgotten how healing love can be?

Medicine for the heart. The universal language.

Love.