I have not changed. My mind is still the same. Passion is not lost, nor grown. Nothing has been misplaced. I am who I have always been. Always.
Lately, extra attention has been placed on my misery & wellfare. Please do not worry too much. I express myself here in order to attempt to lighten my soul, shake the darkness. While I am momentarily unsuccessful, do not be concerned that it will always be such.
You would like to know the issues that have caused this darkness? Through a long chain of events, between my poor decision making and the inequality that is life, in just over two years: I have lost two houses that I owned, and then the house that I was renting, just last month.
I married the jerk who had taken everything from me in the first place, because I foolishly loved him. FOOLISHLY. I endured a year & half divorce, starting 3 days after we married. I had him put in jail, finally, for domestic abuse, and tried endlessly to keep the kids from knowing what was going on.
I've lost two jobs. I seriously was fired from a bar for being too old & not pretty enough, after working there for 9 months, 6 days a week, open to close. When Summer started, he wanted "hot, fresh" college girls. Yes, my boss was a pig, but I made mad money there. He lost MANY customers when he fired me. He also paid me unemployment for 6 months.
I've had 4 cars completely break down, past the point of being repairable. I now own nothing but a bicycle for transportation.
When I married the jerk, I moved 300 miles away from my youngest two boys. I see them once every 6 weeks, if I'm lucky, for a day & half. Ben will bring them up this weekend, but then I will not see them again for more than 3 months, because I have no car. I pay a ridiculous amount of child support; I cannot afford a car pymt. My boys are 3 & 4; I have missed their entire lives for the last 2 years.
When I left KY, left the boys with Ben, I broke his heart. He hates me. HATES me. I cannot blame him. He is still hard on me, unreasonable at most times. It is still hard on him. I did not love him. I tried, for 6 years, I tried. He did not want me to go. Still does not want me to be gone. I left 3 years ago this month.
Since I haven't had a place to live for the last month, nor have I had a car for the last three weeks, my oldest 2 kids, 8 & 9, now live with their dad. In another city. With his alcoholic mom. And his deranged family. They hate it; I can do nothing about it, right now.
Last month, I lost my childhood best friend, Dixie. She was my horse I'd had for over 17 years. She was my only friend for many years. She taught me patience, unconditional love, and so many things that I can never begin to explain. Never. My daughter started riding her 5 years ago. Dixie was not sick; she simply laid down one night & did not get up the next morning.
I have tried to avoid all things to do with men, as it only adds complication. I failed... I fell. Hard & fast. He left me, because I have too many "issues" “ which I explained all of BEFORE I agreed to even date him. He pursued me, filling my head with how worth it I was, and then walked away, rudely telling me that I need medicated. And that I'm fucked up. He still emails me to tell me how I have pissed him off (I haven't even done anything) & how he's going to take it out on my friends, by cancelling their shows. And then even tell them that it is all because of me. All of this because I have a fortress of walls surrounding my heart & doubted that he really loved me. Because I thought we were moving too quickly. Because I could not let him in right away. Because I was NOT worth the wait. Didn't I say that from the start? Where did I go wrong? Read back from the start of this blog. Read the blogs on myspace from before I began writing here. I hide NOTHING. It has all been laid out, in black & white.
The bright side: I have a job. I hate it, but I HAVE it, temporarily. I have extremely wonderful friends. I have a few family members who know the true meaning of family. I am healthy, for the most part.
Is this enough? Enough for me to be saddened by life? There are so many things left out of here, but these are the basics. Please don't worry too much. Everyone has their story, their troubles. It is not anymore than anyone else has ever had to deal with. Eventually something must give.
The Tao of unsaying
3 months ago