Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I was so close ... to nothing. Everything that plagues me today is directly related to a decision, a very poor decision, to marry the jerk I was in love with, knowing full well what he put me thru for nine yrs prior. Knowing that it wouldn't changed, but hoping against hope that he could. That he really wanted to.
Some things were different, if time had changed him in those ways, then couldn't time, effort & enough love change him in others? If he was willing... He said he was willing. Walking out of the courthouse he turned to me, "Now you're mine. Forever. You can't leave me" - my heart screamed into my ears NO! It was the WRONG reason! In that moment I saw him for who he truly is & would be everyday of his life.
I realized two things:
1) He would never change who he was. In his mind, he had no reason to. He never thought I would leave.
2) I had lost the unquestionable immense love that I had carried for so long. I was broken. Completely.
It took nearly a year and a half to legally undo what that fucking piece of paper & useless promise did in less than ten minutes. Nearly 9 months later, I am still trying to gather the broken pieces. That one moment of trust & faith has cost me everything. Literally EVERYthing.
And then ... someone came along. Someone who made it seem that the pieces were in fact all still there; that I hadn't lost any pieces, just maybe didn't have them in the correct order yet? However, there is a gap between us that I cannot seem to mend. An uncomfortableness that saddens me, yet it is not him who makes me sad, directly, merely the distance. I wasn't looking for this, just happened upon it accidentally. Now I don't want to let it go. Have I fallen in too deep of a hole?
The Tao of unsaying
9 months ago