understanding

I will never be "like other women". I don't demand perfection. I don't expect to be "princessed". Am I able to explain myself? I am who I am. Stubborn, maybe.

If I am aware that you have a issue with certain temptations, and yet I drag you out into the midst those temptations, then a piece of your failure falls on my shoulders.

However, if I shelter you from your temptations, and yet you then fail, only at this moment will I reject responsibility. It is my nature. It will not change. I will not be lumped into the immature masses. The 95%.

When you make a decision, it must be what you want, what you TRULY want, and it must be YOUR decision. I will not offer my opinion, even when asked, because truly my opinion is that you are asking the wrong question, of the wrong person. It is yourself that needs to be consulted, not I.

I will not put myself out there for these reasons:

ONE: I take responsibilty for my own actions, including failures, and you should do the same; therefore, do not ask me to make your decisions. They are YOUR responsibilty.

TWO: More difficult to admit to... I have never been worth "the right decision" - at the right time. When given the choice, I have always been left behind. I will not put myself out there, to be left behind again. I have learned. When the day comes that I am the right choice, then I will know that I have met the one.

Until then, I will sit patiently at my table. Quietly counting the minutes. Holding back the tears threatening me, for foolishly thinking, "maybe".

Until then, I will sit in the car, staring away, as you piece it together, uncomfortably.

Waiting.

erasers

"When I looked at you one wonderful night"....

Song & dance, wow, who knew? Today I nearly expired at work. I popped a piece of hard candy into my mouth while on hold waiting for a client to answer the phone. As I went to swallow the juice off of the candy, the whole piece slid down my throat - and stuck right near my tonsels.

Panic stricken, I knew if I freaked out I would cough endlessly & make a scene. With eyes harshly squinted, I concentrated on relaxing & allowing the candy to slide on down the gullet. Which it did after a few seconds of holding my breathe, eyes watering and face turning red.

Then the spasms erupted & I coughed endlessly; every cubicle around me staring. I couldn't get up to walk to the bathroom; lack of oxygen made me dizzy & my eyes were watering profusely. I couldn't wipe my eyes, I had just lotioned my hands a few minutes before.

I hear from the cubicle behind me, "don't worry Triana, if your dying we'll disinfect your mouth (as she points to the can and hand disinfectant hanging on the wall) and give you CPR." Wow, is it ever reassuring that as I die gasping she will fill my mouth with foam, instead of giving me the heimlick.

Wonderful.

I work for a hospital, by the way.

hands of partnership

Hands of Partnership, the TV show is out!!!

Recap: my closest best friend, and now finally "business partner" (we've had sooo many plans throughout the years, one has FINALLY taken flight!) are co-producing & co-hosting a monthly TV program titled Habitat Hands of Partnership. They are being aired on Cable channels 55 &57 which are both specifically Public Access Channels. There are 80,000+ cable subscribers in the area; therefore 80,000+ potential viewers!!! Holy SCHMIT!

We have filmed 2 episodes to date, the first one aired the first week of Jan. I didn't get to see it as it aired, or advertise it, due to a slight lack of communication in our new partnership. We have not received air date info on episode 2 as of yet.

The first episode is simply titled "Habitat Hands of Partnership: Introduction" & aptly named such as it is merely a run down of the basic facts on Habitat; history, goals, procedures, road blocks, volunteers, participants, donations, etc. I picked up our producer copy this week & let me just say, I'd like to strike that episode from ever being seen on ANY tv screen. ForEVER.

Why, you ask??? Well let me fill you about how unprepared I was... Where to begin?... How about the night prior to shooting, Dec 16th, when Shinedown played at Piere's, which I had FREE tickets to. It doesn't help that April & I both love Shinedown! It REALLY didn't help that we stood front row right next to the speakers, or that we stayed late to meet the band. The next night, the night of our shoot, I had big enough bags under my eyes to carry groceries to the orphanages of Sri Lanka. Also, my ears have a constant ringing in them due to probable permanent damage from standing two feet away from the speakers.

I didn't have enough time after work to totally curl my hair, but I foolishly figured I would be sitting facing the camera, so only curling the front & sides of my hair, leaving the back flat, wouldn't show. WRONG! Camera angles catch EVERYthing. I looked RETARDED.

Combined with the fact that I grabbed a Navy pin stripe suite to wear ... that I last wore 4 years ago. It didn't fit. It specifically didn't fit MY BOOBS. I would have just left the jacket open, but the gold under shirt was very transparent. I was wearing a pretty pink & green bra that just didn't do the Habitat image must justice, so I sucked in as much as I could and managed to button ONE measly button stretched across my chest. And then not breathe during the entire show.

Apparently the lack of oxygen affected me very very quickly because my end of the conversation SUCKED. While I did manage to keep from uttering any of the obscenities that are apt to roll off my tongue, I couldn't finish a damn sentence or question to save my flippin life. Thankfully the camera is on April 90% of the time during that episode.

She "performed" wonderfully, by the way. I was the only one with issues. As always.

OH, and I didn't bring the music that we had chosen for opening & closing credits. So I spent roughly 10 minutes searching thru the mp3s on my phone to find a suitable replacement that wouldn't violate copyright laws. Thankfully I have some tracks from local musicians, and a few happened to be from Hubie Ashcraft, who I had already talked to about putting his music on the show. (Check him out on myspace music: Hubie Ashcraft or Still Groove)

Now, round 2, HELLA better! I don't even look like the same person as on the first episode! I won't go into major details on this episode, as it hasn't aired yet :) but I will tell you that we used Trent Boston's song "One & Only" (also find him on myspace music Trent Boston). The song went with the theme of the episode PERFECTLY! I am so thrilled at how it turned out!

Also, we had special guest Mark Pletcher, as a habitat family home owner, describe his experiences through his familiy's habitat journey. This episode was filmed in memory of his wife, Melissa Pletcher.

i live...

... in your dreams. Come; live in mine.

Round 2 of today's rantings: Life is FUCKING COMPLICATED. I'm reaching the end of my sanity rope. Crystal, you might want to send your discarded Effexor granules my way.

BC has been staying off & on at my house because my car wasn't created for arctic cold and just sits in my drive way as a large snow drift. I need a ride to & from work M-F, and the kids need to get to school. During the fall, the kids walked to school & I rode my bike to work, or wherever. Now it's so fucking cold the wetness in my eyeballs would freeze if I tried to ride my bike. I'd rather eat my own arm than have him at my house. Please don't pay any attention to the bite marks. I've gone after both arms.

The karma refund in the ugly duckling syndrome has hit me in the wrong stage of life. I'm currently attracting guys, of ALL ages, and I'm so fucking guarded I can't even make a friend. I was actually told that I was ANAL the other night! Wtf! ME? Reality is way harsh. I hate being a bitch, but sometimes they just DON'T get the picture.

Also, I don't see what other's see in me, and it perplexes me. Am I looking at the wrong mirror? Or are they? Emotions tend to make things heavy, if that makes any sense....?

Take note of this: you can NOT be THE ONE if chemistry is not present. Don't attempt a rescue mission when I flat out tell you there's no chemistry. Do NOT tell me you will wait; in my translation, that's fucking handcuffs & not in the oh-baby-oh-baby way! Also, I do not feel the undying need to instantaneously be in a relationship!

OMG April, I'm dying laughing & yet totally cringing about what you said. Why can't I just be sweet & end of story? Not "sweet, but afraid of relationships"? Oh yeah, that's right ... because of that thing that I have, called a FUCKING ISSUE.

Lastly, holy shit! I'm sooo confused! What if ... what if there's totally THAT connection ... but I'm trying SO hard to clear my head ... because it is so very obviously BAD bad timing ... and the potential loss of friendship already is excruciating ...

Dammit I'm an eyes-closed-head-first-jumper ... not a think-it-through-Betsy ... So does this mean I am truly changing my ways, or am truly scared shitless and looking for a reason to bolt?

I just need to breath.

But I can't.

anger & outrage

I've been a lil disgusted w/blogger lately. Not only because of the fact that most of the "blogs of note" are dry & humorless (that may be because I'm looking for a deeper, or different, passion than what gets posted as "note-worthy"), but also because of the clamor of readers who post comments solely to get noticed. The soul-less bastards who simply post "come read my blog @ imaworthlesswriteranddonthaveanyfollowers.com" in the comment section of a PERFECTLY wonderful blog. Or "hey, how are u doing?" as a comment, on 40 different pages. Send me a fucking email for that shit.

Don't post yourself as a follower of a popular blog in a vain attempt to have a few wandering clicks. Follow those bloggers who are truly writing what you enjoy reading. Mainstreaming SUCKS ASS.

watch what you say....

...I'll blog it. Just a quick FYI, via my friendito, April. Tonight we went to Los Tequilos & shared a fajita platter. I L.O.V.E. fajitas :) I am absolutely, positively, indefinitely & undisputably the messiest fajita eater you will EVER meet. Ever. My hand is covered in guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, rice & beans and whatever other tidbits ... and I am licking it all off my hand. She is appalled. I am that kind of friend.

She has noticed that I often quote her in my blogs... she claims the reason she has so many good things to quote is because I make it easy for her, all the weird things I do. I am so inspirational!

left behind

Can anyone look at me, really, just look at me, and not be disappointed. See me, and themselves for that matter, for who we REALLY are?

Is all love based on delusion? It is. That’s my theory for the moment anyway. It’s a hoax. A feeling of paranoia. Ehhh, not so much in your view anyway. But in mine, certainly. A fantasy. In more ways than one.

Please. Please keep me safe. Please pleasure me. Please take me where my body wants to go. Needs to go. Perhaps even, please love me?

Confused. Used. Broken. Abused.

So over that shit. Don’t call. Don’t text. DON’T GIVE IN.

You stress me out. You wear me out. I’m hollow.

Forgotten pages. Left behind. The stories of our lives.

Leave me to mine.

Funny how in these stories we call our lives, the characters never seem to be on the same page.

The reality: we are often not even in the same book.

It’s the consciousness of that conclusion that crushes a soul.

words of wisdom

I thought I’d take some time to enjoy a few funny phrases or quips that I have run across/heard in the previous year and of course follow them up with a quick thought from yours truly. Swallow your juice before proceeding….

“I got my Hater blockers on” – from my lil sis, and yeah, she obviously needs these. Sorry sis, you attrack mega haters.

“At least you're getting some! All I get is a marriage cerificate.” – this MUST be put on a T-shirt somewhere. From an anonymous source.

“I don’t want your chair, it might have butt cooties.” My reply, “At least I don’t have coochie cooties. My Dr says I’m clean.” Once again, I’ll leave this anonymous cuz I love you honey & we have enough issues. You have a public image to hold & it’s already tainted by ME. Fricken swingers.

“I’m complex. Like a rubrics cube with pants.” - Thanks Tanner! I died laughing forEVA on this one!

“Don’t give me the Bunny Blink” – I do the bunny blink? Wait, what the hell is the bunny blink? Explanation: rapid blinking of eye lashes when one is utterly confused & not brave enough to say so. Also, the rapid blinking of eye lashes when one is attempting to conjure & convey a little white lie.

Cheetas, the super-fast large wild cats, are also called “Cheeta Puffs” by anyone under the age of 4.

Boo-gul is the correct pronunciation for the word game Boggle, if you are between the ages of 8 & 10.

“Act like a dog; you’re on all fours!” This is said by 9 yr old girl to her 8 yr old brother. It’s also accompanied by a sharp jerk on the “leash” (tied around the wrist – as much as I’m sure she’d enjoy jerking her brother by the neck, I’d prefer not to explain to child services why my son has lacerations around his neck).

“I guess what I’ve realized is that what I need is … is … well … a guy that’s … you” – Awwww sweetie! I know we raise some eyebrows already, but I’m just not up for a sex change operation. Now, if you’d like to fund my liposuction fund or face lift, then I’ll reconsider. BUT, I like my boobs. I’ll only be a guy for you if I can keep my boobs…

“Alone – sex doesn’t count. It’s like the difference between thinking to yourself or having a good conversation with someone. The Pleasure is in the exchange.” – WHO can argue with that??

Overheard at the grocery store – “What have you been doing?” “Anyone I can & the good ones twice.” Yeah, it’s prolly been around awhile, but hearing that in the grocery store totally puts a smile on my face, ha!

Give a man a fish & he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish & he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. – Once again, who can argue w/this logic? It’s impeccable.

“I must have missed a step in the ‘just plug it in & it will work’, ‘cuz it’s not working” – does this even need a comment?

eating me alive

Edit: This was actually written on November 11, 2008 but I never got around to posting it. I has to be back dated to make any sense.

Brains. That lumpy mass in our heads. Three pounds of unknown & “working on being mapped out” mess. But what a mess they create! Functional. Non-functional. Growths that don’t belong. This is where I’m at. By the time this is posted, my mom will be in surgery to remove hers. The growth. In her brain.

It seems so awkward to say that. Brain surgery. It’s what happens on t.v. or in other people’s lives. Not mine. Not my mom’s.

I happened to picked up a book the other day at the library titled “What Is Death: A Scientist Looks at the Cycle of Life” by Tyler Volk. Once again, totally random. The whole second chapter is the short story version on the function of the brain. Just as I start into that chapter last week, mom calls with the news.

I’m at a loss for words…

April has a brain theory. She read an article on how forgetting small daily things helps your brain in the grand scheme of things; it makes your brain super smart. Like defragmenting.

*side note that I think is funny as hell: my spell check doesn’t like “defragmenting” and suggested “decrementing” instead. Ha ha!*

So back to the story, her theory is that she’s super smart, ‘cuz she forgets lil things all the time. She’s ok with this theory, but of course, her husband isn’t. Men just don’t get it.

Long story short – I’m suppose to remember everything she says. And write it down later.
I’ll get right on that.

Edit #2: Mom's surgery went well. She's doing fine.

what now?

Monday morning as I settled into my desk at work, ready to start the day, I grabbed for my MP3 player and stuck the wrong piece into my ear. Yes, I tried to PLUG it into my ear instead of putting my headphones in my ear.

About 15 minutes later, I glanced down at something and my gazed settled on my lap... my dress slacks, specifically. Which I had thought were black. Nope! I had on a pretty blk/wht blouse, black dress shoes, and .... navy blue pants. Nice. I looked awesome, let me tell u. Try-outs for the circus today?

What else u ask? I typed numbers onto the keyboard when I meant to enter the patient's account # on the phone for the automated insurance system I'm calling.

I once spent 5 minutes staring at my computer screen waiting for Medical Records Imaging to load the page I was trying to view, only to realize it was loaded. Someone scanned a blank page. Just to trick me!

A woman on a phone call told me she couldn't hear me very well, so I turned my head to get closer to the speaker on my headset ... which is on my HEAD... therefore moves when I move my head. I felt like a dog chasing my own damn tail.

I keep my MP3 player on one ear (when I finally figured out that I hear thru the ear piece & not the plug!) while I have my hands free headset on the other ear. When I'm on hold I flip my MP3 player back on to listen to music. Once I heard a song playing & thought, "Was I tripping* when I put that song on my play list? Where did I even get that from?? Ewwww!" I grabbed the MP3 player, hmmm, that's def NOT what it says its playing.... I pushed the stop button. HOLY SHIT it won't stop! My MP3 player is possessed! So I ripped the ear piece outta my ear. Uh oh, serious issues! I STILL hear the crappy song! *Triana comes back to reality*

It's the hold music playing in my other ear. It's these moments that I'm truly thankful no one is paying attention to me & I can be a moron in my own lil disconnected world.

put my name in lights

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!

May we see what we are supposed to see, be who we are supposed to be, and love who we are supposed to love.

What better way to start off the new year than with a cheesy toast? lol! How about with a cheesy resolution? Nah, I'll skip that.

But I did start off the New Year with phone calls & text msgs - friends & relatives seeing me on t.v. My new business partner & long time friend are producing/hosting a monthly t.v. program on Habitat for Humanity. She forgot to call & tell me what times/dates the first segment is airing. I could be on right now! Since I don't know when it's on, u will just have to watch for us on the Fort Wayne local chanels! So far the only feedback I have on the performance is that I looked at the camera a few too many times & that I need to fix my hair differently. Help me out! Give me some feedback!

Everyone has to start somewhere, and here I am!