Saturday, January 17, 2009

i live...

... in your dreams. Come; live in mine.

Round 2 of today's rantings: Life is FUCKING COMPLICATED. I'm reaching the end of my sanity rope. Crystal, you might want to send your discarded Effexor granules my way.

BC has been staying off & on at my house because my car wasn't created for arctic cold and just sits in my drive way as a large snow drift. I need a ride to & from work M-F, and the kids need to get to school. During the fall, the kids walked to school & I rode my bike to work, or wherever. Now it's so fucking cold the wetness in my eyeballs would freeze if I tried to ride my bike. I'd rather eat my own arm than have him at my house. Please don't pay any attention to the bite marks. I've gone after both arms.

The karma refund in the ugly duckling syndrome has hit me in the wrong stage of life. I'm currently attracting guys, of ALL ages, and I'm so fucking guarded I can't even make a friend. I was actually told that I was ANAL the other night! Wtf! ME? Reality is way harsh. I hate being a bitch, but sometimes they just DON'T get the picture.

Also, I don't see what other's see in me, and it perplexes me. Am I looking at the wrong mirror? Or are they? Emotions tend to make things heavy, if that makes any sense....?

Take note of this: you can NOT be THE ONE if chemistry is not present. Don't attempt a rescue mission when I flat out tell you there's no chemistry. Do NOT tell me you will wait; in my translation, that's fucking handcuffs & not in the oh-baby-oh-baby way! Also, I do not feel the undying need to instantaneously be in a relationship!

OMG April, I'm dying laughing & yet totally cringing about what you said. Why can't I just be sweet & end of story? Not "sweet, but afraid of relationships"? Oh yeah, that's right ... because of that thing that I have, called a FUCKING ISSUE.

Lastly, holy shit! I'm sooo confused! What if ... what if there's totally THAT connection ... but I'm trying SO hard to clear my head ... because it is so very obviously BAD bad timing ... and the potential loss of friendship already is excruciating ...

Dammit I'm an eyes-closed-head-first-jumper ... not a think-it-through-Betsy ... So does this mean I am truly changing my ways, or am truly scared shitless and looking for a reason to bolt?

I just need to breath.

But I can't.

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