Monday, August 10, 2009

corrupted by attention

Due to some personal issues that have hit me in the last week, namely that I have spent a majority of the week in jail due to something presumably beyond my control, and that I go back to court in the morning to be sentenced and therefore may not be around blogland for awhile. Here are all the drafts I have been working on for the past several months & never finished...

This one, corrupted by attention, I saved to post last in order to explain the next 5 posts from today (quote me, there is no lower, timelessness, shadows within, and my fairy tale). This one I started nearly 3 months ago. I was side tracked by life, and by falling for someone that as usual, I shouldn't have fallen for. Hello Mr Shady:

"Fuck this. Is it worth it? For us to fight and drag it on? Fuck this. Is it worth it? To blame each other for our faults? Fuck it. Let it go. Move on. Start new."
~ The Army Within ~ We'll Get Through ~

This morning I woke to find 2 text messages from 2 different guys saying, "good morning Beautiful". I had a 3 minute voicemail that began the same way. At 2pm, yet another enthusiastic vm, again the same "Beautiful", but not the same voice. I'm constantly told that I'm beautiful, but I don't see it & I certainly don't buy into it.

My reflection looks back at me with bright blue eyes encompassed in puffy dark circles, thanks to genetics. My pale skin often showcases angry red areas on my chin and nose. My pudgy face sports very little resemblance to any sort of elegant jaw or neckline.

Yes, I have big boobs, but that package comes with an extra large spare tire resting on my mid section, and approximately ten acres posting as a rear end. My knees and ankles swell constantly; there's nothing remotely feminine or sexy, that I can find, on my body. I am broken by age and child birth.

I watch people, everywhere. Is there life so different from mine? Does everyone struggle with their image as I do? Does everyone struggle with life as I seem to do?

I have no problem picking up men. Or women for that matter. But why? And why is it never the right one? The one that takes my breath away. The one whose kiss melts my defenses and sneaks the key from my hiding place to release the emotions so carefully protected in my heart.

*rescue me*

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

we all have our demons to wrestle with.. don't beat yourself up for your own. i live under the belief that when you are 'ready'.. the one you're ready for, will show himself/herself to you. the harder you look, the further they are away... until the time is 'right'. instead, focus on the things you can do or change to make yourself happy- the only real control over our lives that we have. i wish you all the happiness & eventual love that you desire.
many blessings,