Monday, August 10, 2009

shadows within

I have issues with depression.

We all know this. My mom has had the same thing her entire life, which doesn't make my outlook too exciting. Thanks for calling that one Dad, appreciate it. My older sister (by 11 years) also has it. She covers it with alcoholism. My mom 'cures' it with random attempts at millions of different men. She latches onto them and morphs into whatever she thinks will please them most. My older sister latches onto guys, but she doesn't bend her hard ways; they break against her.

I've never completely analyzed myself in comparison with my family. Probably because the reality would scare the shit outta me. I can SAFELY say though, that I am nothing like my little sister. That's a story for another day. Today is about me, maybe the new me, or at least the transitional me until I figure out what life really has in store.

It scares me ... thinking about what my mom & my sister have done with their lives. Will mine be so much the same? Or am I destined to be different? In seeing what they have done with theirs, the mistakes made, the problems created, can I be strong enough to alter myself to not follow those steps and yet not lead myself down a lonely path for the rest of my life, scared to make a wrong step ...

scared of my own shadow

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