backtrack

Jan 29, 2008
I post this old post, just to make sense to the new post.

We're taking an agreed upon break from something that really isn't even there. But in my world, it makes sense, kinda. Not really, but I try to pretend that it does. At least, at this moment it doesn't make sense. I do know, some where deep down, that in the future, looking back, it will make perfect sense. But to look at it right now, I don't fully understand. I just know that today was like a dream. A day dream. Which I do often enough. So I was stunned when it turned into reality.

Sleepless nights filled with visions of what could be. What I want to be. Lost in the moment of feeling. Opening myself to the wind, the cold, letting it soothe my burning soul. Listening, just to the open world around me. Eyes closed. Mind, ears & senses open to everything and anything surrounding me. My arms lift slightly in an outward gesture to open the breeze of cold air that penetrates my reckless nature. A natural glance, down the block. What is that? My mind playing tricks? The walk, so confident, cool & collected, seems familiar. I convince myself momentarily that I'm day dreaming again. That you are so very far away.

But my heart & mind are not deceived. Like a mirage turned to reality, the tall striding person is YOU. Coming my direction, by shear coincidence. The path I'm crossing lies ahead, blocked by the red light & passing traffic. I glance for an opening in the opposite direction. The road is clear. I can dart. But I look back, stiffling the urge to RUN. I have grown so far away from that stage, the run & flee. I stand my ground, nervously, and face the awkward moment set before me.
You wave from down the block. My heart beats in my ears; drowning out reality and thoughts all at once. The light in front of me turns green. I hesitate to cross. I still stand my ground. My coat, once open & inviting is now pulled tightly in front of me as protection. I still hesitate; between the promise of space & my own desire to confront what might be there. Once again I turn to face head on the moment, unable to live with myself should I coward out & let it slip away.

Forced smiles. How are you? Great! What are you doing here? I'm going to meet my sister. She just called. I fidget as the conversation fakely progresses. Arms crossed securely in front of me. As I realize this I make a conscious effort to relax. It is forced, and fake, and easily picked off. Uncomfortable & questioning, my eyes meet yours. Unable to read anything but agony reflected, I'm sure, in my own stare. I turn again to look at the light, now red.

You pick up on the body signals, as anyone would have. Goodbyes. Soul shattering. I want to dart into traffic, which i nearly do in my haste to get away as my head is secretly screaming: YOU PROMISED! No glancing back, just forward movement, trying to keep my head up. Inevitably, it darts down in shame. Long strides take me farther & farther although I want to turn and run back. Questioning & looking for answers that probably don't exist yet. And still my mind saying you promised.

Simple solutions turn into complicated problems. As is my life. I'm always making things complicated.

It's not enough. It never is. But I will go on until the end ~ Breaking Benjamin.