hello

worst day of my life. ever. hello to you. i want to know, seriously, why does this happen to me?

I had fully planned on getting off work, going to the gym, wearing my hefty ass out, and going home to crash. I nearly succeeded.

Not even close.

Clocked out of work at 4:00pm. Check.
Home, grabbed my gym bag, to the gym by 5:15. Check.
Left the gym at 7pm. Check

Then chaos breaks loose.
April wants to go to Deer Park. No issues. Quiet. Monday night. Okey dokey, I'll go.
We meet a group of 21-ers celebrating a birthday & playing "never have I ever" .... ok .... but I need a beer to do this. Then 2 beers. Killians specifically.
Then the college girls get too drunk & it's time to hit the pavement. Running.

While sitting at Deer Park, I managed to make tentative plans to meet a new friend at Brass Rail to have a few drinks. Who would've guessed it would've been my demon night. Have you seen the previews for the show about the guy who faces his past girlfriends' "ghosts"... welcome to my night. I couldn 't have even had nightmares this bad.

For starters, I really was digging this new guy I was going to meet. Really. Totally. Maybe 30 mins after I arrived to the rendevous, I run into, hello, JL. The one I couldn't catch. And not only him, but the friends I lost because of him. O U C H. The worst part was, I could completely tell he was trying to avoid me, when I accidentally physically ran right into him, and then was speechless. WTF. Get it together Triana. Move ON. Instead, I run to the bathroom. Well, speed walk anyway. On a bum knee because I forgot to wear my knee brace to the gym & my knee has been out all night. So... I'm limping, but trying to feign a straight walk. Drunk. With tears in my eyes. Trying to hold it together. Why? I don't know. Just to keep my head up maybe.

Irony. This JL is NOT the JL from the recent past. This is the better, improved upon version, from over a year ago. The one I really wanted, but never got a glimpse of because I lived in a fantasy for a few months. As we all know, fantasy always runs headlong into reality. I really REALLY didn't do it on purpose. It was completely one of those I didn't see coming from ten miles away because I was so focused on one minute to the next, as is my everyday life now, and was apparently the start of even then.

So shocked was I that I didn't even see my long lost friend, cuthbert. I truly think him & I would've been the best of friends if not for this one over sight, me falling for his best friend. I wish I could explain any of this, but it baffles me to the point of relentless tears.

So obvious is it at this point that even now he is trying to avoid me, so my reunion is short lived. I run away. Again. I tried to converse a few times, it wasn't going anywhere. I stumbled away. Walked into reality where it tore open the gaping hole that used to house my heart. I have long since lost it, long before this miracle came into play. Long before I lost what I never really had. Long before. It was a knife in old wounds. Wounds I drank to cover, and tonight, could not drink enough. Because I remember all to acutely the night I attempt to drink them away & merely succeeded in forever closing any opportunity.

Instead, I attempted to focus this time on reality, not on my heart strings. I sat back down, where I was before seating, and resumed conversation. Only to be interupted by Serial Killer Status & Drunk Fighter, both of whom had changed for the better, but still had many drunk stories about me to retell. Go figure. It happens.

And then again, I try to resume my conversation, ignoring anything that is going on to my left. In fact, completely turning my back to that corner & trying so very hard to not even glance that way.

And then what... Doug Kenna. Why? Why don't you clean your act up & be who you have the potential to be. I chastise you with my eyes & you know it from the moment. Nothing but disappointment is read from my gaze to yours. We were never meant to be, but you were meant to be more. What are you doing, greasy, un-shaven, messy... asking to sleep on my couch. I have no couch for you.

And then, you are gone. Snuck out the back? Why would you do that? Are we not even friends that can say good bye? Tears stung my eyes once again. I blinked them back. To hold until now, where they fall freely, unto nothing. You are always disappearing from me. Just say good bye. It really is not so hard. Disappearing tears me apart. Am I so hard to give a good bye hug? Or wave? Or glance?

Once again, fresh wounds. Stupidly, I feel robbed of a connection I merely saw & never fully grasped.