Tuesday, April 14, 2009

bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up) before I come undone
(Save me) save me from the nothing I’ve become
~ Evanessence ~ Bring Me to Life ~

When I was a child I used to think that I was merely dreaming, that one day I would really truly wake up & the nightmare that is/was my life would be over. Ironic that I bounce back and forth between longing to wake up from the nightmare & going to sleep to end the nightmare. The endlessness of life.

There have been so many moments that I thought I was close over the last few years. I have been reckless with life on purpose at times, daring fate to make me yet another number. Another story. Daring fate to bring a welcomed end. Yet never strong enough to make the stupid decision myself. Or never stupid enough to make the strong decision myself. Either way you will look at it, the end result would be the same. Every time I have fallen, tears flowing relentlessy, body & soul torn... every time though, there has been someone to pick me up, to bring me back to life. To shelter me from the storm. To rescue me from drowning.


I have been shot at by a drunk maniac. I have been buried by loose corn in a hopper wagon. I have been thrown through the air towards metal fence posts that I thought I would surely be impaled upon. I have been followed late at night down dark streets. I have been held down & choked - I did not fight it, he could have won then. I have been run over by a hay wagon. I have been trampled by horses. I have been violated & have had taken what I was not willing to give. I have been in numerous wrecks, behind the wheel & not. I have been beaten & I have witnessed abuse. I have roused sleepily on the operating table to the doctor telling me something went wrong.

Still. I am here.
Always will be.

1 comment:

findingmywingsinlife said...

Well, at least we're both still able to say we're alive, if only by the mere act of breathing. I feel so strange, empty and numb- I should care about what was said to me last night, but I don't. It was just another indicator that my efforts over the years to save it, didn't ever really matter.

I'm ready to move on and now I know I need to do this before this gets more complicated than it already is.

I suppose they can't break your heart if you never gave it to them in the first place...maybe that's why I don't care one way or the other, he doesn't affect me that way. It does feel weird to say "He's my Ex" now though.