Monday, April 6, 2009

replacements

Lessons I have learned from internet dating:

1. Just because he's got a PhD doesn't mean he retains any brain cell usage for respect. He will still try to drag you back to his lair and maul you.

2. Age is only a number. Literally. Some 35 year olds are still high school drama kings. Some 18 years olds have more respect for themselves & women than most 45 year olds.

3. Unless his mama is in some way handicapped or needs assistance, there really is no good reason for him to still be living with his parents. Or sneaking outside to smoke pot. When he's 35.

4. When a guy purposely flips open his phone to show you the pic of his last fiance, who is still the wallpaper on his phone, and then finish up with, "I haven't found anyone to replace her with" while looking at you..... just give up even trying to be friends at this point. Serious attachment issues.

5. Don't even attempt to meet the ones that freak out & send you 5 messages in one hour b/c OMG "I saw that you were online & you didn't message me yet, are you mad at me?" Seriously? May I breath w/out having to ask permission? And did you take estrogen pills this morning??

6. Kindly replying, "no thanks, I'm not interested in your offer to fuck like bunnies, but thank you so much for considering me as a prospect" will only get a reply of, "I was only joking. I felt sorry for you because you're only a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day. And you're overweight". The next day you will have 7-10 emails from same character professing his love for you & how he stayed up all night worried that he hurt your feelings.

7. Just because a guy can glance at one of your pictures & knows that the bicycle you're on is a Mongoose 700cc Paver... because he also has one... doesn't mean he's sat his lazy ass on it since the day he bought it.

8. Anyone who says "I just quit smoking" really means "I smoke, but I'm going to pretend that I don't because you don't" ... and sometimes will also try to cover it up with a stick of gum & hand moisturizer.

9. Don't mess with the "I'm going thru a divorce & it's mutual". Period.

10. After spending an entire evening together and being completely obnoxious b/c you really just don't like your date, you will still get a text message that says, "I know you were just being shy, but you really can come to my room at the Mariott". Riiiiiight. Hold your breath, I'll be there in, oh, never.

11. Very few guys can come up with anything to do besides feed you, buy you drinks, and try to grope you in a theatre. Now, painting pottery, that's actual hands on fun.

12. I'm considering creating a pre-date application/checklist. It's not cool to be riding passanger with a guy driving who casually states, "yeah, I get my license reinstated in June." Excuse me? You better be talking about a fishing license. Or the "I'm on anabuse for 4 more months. My 3rd DUI, but they're all bogus. The cops are out for me." *winner*

13. Anyone who refers to the harem of women in all of his pictures as his "trophies" - yeah, leave that alone too.

14. If the first question he asks you is your favorite color, and then tells you that you're acceptable because you speak the green code - take note of instability & priorities.

Now, isn't this FUN!?
Not so much.

2 comments:

Natalie said...

Oh Geez, I remember those days oh so well. I feel for you, Triana.xx

Brosreview said...

Never tried these services. Perhaps, I am too young for it, hehe. But, yea, I shall keep these lessons as tips while I start. Thanks for sharing this!!!

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