IMG00766.jpg

Sometimes

life is beautiful

but so up close

that you really have to look

to see what it is

that you're really seeing

or it's beauty will be left behind

for the next traveler

Flowers
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

tastes like grass

Momma, when I talk, the talk comes out my ears.

*that's better than talking out your ass like most people manage to accomplish*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Momma, guess what Tyler's doing? He's riding a baby tractor. **Logan looking out the window from the back of the couch**

What? *thoroughly confused*

Tyler's riding a baby tractor. *matter of fact*

Where? *still trying to catch up*

Outside. *Logan says everything in a matter of fact tone. He's a 4 year old constantly explaining rocket science - it's that sort of "this is how it is, moron" tone*

What's he doing out there? *perplexed*

Riding a baby tractor. *complete with the "here's your sign" look*

(Because I didn't quite get it the first 2 times. The thing that had me confused was that Tyler was gone with Samantha; I didn't know they were home already.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I ordered a baked potato from Wendy's, which they covered in chives. I don't mind a few chives, but I'm not a big fan of a six inch layer, so I flipped most of the extra chives onto the tray. My oldest, Briana, decided that she wanted to try a chive. After carefully choosing one single chopped chive, delicately chewing/swishing it around her mouth, she shrugged her shoulders and nonchalantly declared....

"It tastes like grass."

I nearly choked on my potato. Before I could swallow & recover, she followed it up with, "Yes mom, I know what grass tastes like, I've ate it before."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the Friday recap -
My daughter eats grass.
My middle son talks out his ears.
My oldest son rides baby tractors.
My youngest son is just trying to keep up with the crew. Good luck son.

hello

worst day of my life. ever. hello to you. i want to know, seriously, why does this happen to me?

I had fully planned on getting off work, going to the gym, wearing my hefty ass out, and going home to crash. I nearly succeeded.

Not even close.

Clocked out of work at 4:00pm. Check.
Home, grabbed my gym bag, to the gym by 5:15. Check.
Left the gym at 7pm. Check

Then chaos breaks loose.
April wants to go to Deer Park. No issues. Quiet. Monday night. Okey dokey, I'll go.
We meet a group of 21-ers celebrating a birthday & playing "never have I ever" .... ok .... but I need a beer to do this. Then 2 beers. Killians specifically.
Then the college girls get too drunk & it's time to hit the pavement. Running.

While sitting at Deer Park, I managed to make tentative plans to meet a new friend at Brass Rail to have a few drinks. Who would've guessed it would've been my demon night. Have you seen the previews for the show about the guy who faces his past girlfriends' "ghosts"... welcome to my night. I couldn 't have even had nightmares this bad.

For starters, I really was digging this new guy I was going to meet. Really. Totally. Maybe 30 mins after I arrived to the rendevous, I run into, hello, JL. The one I couldn't catch. And not only him, but the friends I lost because of him. O U C H. The worst part was, I could completely tell he was trying to avoid me, when I accidentally physically ran right into him, and then was speechless. WTF. Get it together Triana. Move ON. Instead, I run to the bathroom. Well, speed walk anyway. On a bum knee because I forgot to wear my knee brace to the gym & my knee has been out all night. So... I'm limping, but trying to feign a straight walk. Drunk. With tears in my eyes. Trying to hold it together. Why? I don't know. Just to keep my head up maybe.

Irony. This JL is NOT the JL from the recent past. This is the better, improved upon version, from over a year ago. The one I really wanted, but never got a glimpse of because I lived in a fantasy for a few months. As we all know, fantasy always runs headlong into reality. I really REALLY didn't do it on purpose. It was completely one of those I didn't see coming from ten miles away because I was so focused on one minute to the next, as is my everyday life now, and was apparently the start of even then.

So shocked was I that I didn't even see my long lost friend, cuthbert. I truly think him & I would've been the best of friends if not for this one over sight, me falling for his best friend. I wish I could explain any of this, but it baffles me to the point of relentless tears.

So obvious is it at this point that even now he is trying to avoid me, so my reunion is short lived. I run away. Again. I tried to converse a few times, it wasn't going anywhere. I stumbled away. Walked into reality where it tore open the gaping hole that used to house my heart. I have long since lost it, long before this miracle came into play. Long before I lost what I never really had. Long before. It was a knife in old wounds. Wounds I drank to cover, and tonight, could not drink enough. Because I remember all to acutely the night I attempt to drink them away & merely succeeded in forever closing any opportunity.

Instead, I attempted to focus this time on reality, not on my heart strings. I sat back down, where I was before seating, and resumed conversation. Only to be interupted by Serial Killer Status & Drunk Fighter, both of whom had changed for the better, but still had many drunk stories about me to retell. Go figure. It happens.

And then again, I try to resume my conversation, ignoring anything that is going on to my left. In fact, completely turning my back to that corner & trying so very hard to not even glance that way.

And then what... Doug Kenna. Why? Why don't you clean your act up & be who you have the potential to be. I chastise you with my eyes & you know it from the moment. Nothing but disappointment is read from my gaze to yours. We were never meant to be, but you were meant to be more. What are you doing, greasy, un-shaven, messy... asking to sleep on my couch. I have no couch for you.

And then, you are gone. Snuck out the back? Why would you do that? Are we not even friends that can say good bye? Tears stung my eyes once again. I blinked them back. To hold until now, where they fall freely, unto nothing. You are always disappearing from me. Just say good bye. It really is not so hard. Disappearing tears me apart. Am I so hard to give a good bye hug? Or wave? Or glance?

Once again, fresh wounds. Stupidly, I feel robbed of a connection I merely saw & never fully grasped.

backtrack

Jan 29, 2008
I post this old post, just to make sense to the new post.

We're taking an agreed upon break from something that really isn't even there. But in my world, it makes sense, kinda. Not really, but I try to pretend that it does. At least, at this moment it doesn't make sense. I do know, some where deep down, that in the future, looking back, it will make perfect sense. But to look at it right now, I don't fully understand. I just know that today was like a dream. A day dream. Which I do often enough. So I was stunned when it turned into reality.

Sleepless nights filled with visions of what could be. What I want to be. Lost in the moment of feeling. Opening myself to the wind, the cold, letting it soothe my burning soul. Listening, just to the open world around me. Eyes closed. Mind, ears & senses open to everything and anything surrounding me. My arms lift slightly in an outward gesture to open the breeze of cold air that penetrates my reckless nature. A natural glance, down the block. What is that? My mind playing tricks? The walk, so confident, cool & collected, seems familiar. I convince myself momentarily that I'm day dreaming again. That you are so very far away.

But my heart & mind are not deceived. Like a mirage turned to reality, the tall striding person is YOU. Coming my direction, by shear coincidence. The path I'm crossing lies ahead, blocked by the red light & passing traffic. I glance for an opening in the opposite direction. The road is clear. I can dart. But I look back, stiffling the urge to RUN. I have grown so far away from that stage, the run & flee. I stand my ground, nervously, and face the awkward moment set before me.
You wave from down the block. My heart beats in my ears; drowning out reality and thoughts all at once. The light in front of me turns green. I hesitate to cross. I still stand my ground. My coat, once open & inviting is now pulled tightly in front of me as protection. I still hesitate; between the promise of space & my own desire to confront what might be there. Once again I turn to face head on the moment, unable to live with myself should I coward out & let it slip away.

Forced smiles. How are you? Great! What are you doing here? I'm going to meet my sister. She just called. I fidget as the conversation fakely progresses. Arms crossed securely in front of me. As I realize this I make a conscious effort to relax. It is forced, and fake, and easily picked off. Uncomfortable & questioning, my eyes meet yours. Unable to read anything but agony reflected, I'm sure, in my own stare. I turn again to look at the light, now red.

You pick up on the body signals, as anyone would have. Goodbyes. Soul shattering. I want to dart into traffic, which i nearly do in my haste to get away as my head is secretly screaming: YOU PROMISED! No glancing back, just forward movement, trying to keep my head up. Inevitably, it darts down in shame. Long strides take me farther & farther although I want to turn and run back. Questioning & looking for answers that probably don't exist yet. And still my mind saying you promised.

Simple solutions turn into complicated problems. As is my life. I'm always making things complicated.

It's not enough. It never is. But I will go on until the end ~ Breaking Benjamin.

drunkeness

A follow-up to Wing Seeker's post from our adventure Thursday night at stinky P's:

First let me say, that the simplest way to keep a drunk Triana busy is to give her April's phone. That dang contraption aggravates me beyond words, and it's my phone's cousin! It makes me want to do the cave man grunt & just chuck it to the wolves.

To expand on Seeker's post, the smiegel freak was utterly disturbing. And his band sucked. I realized after a min that I was staring mouth agape, but I only realized this after I noticed another acquaintance a few feet away doing the same.

Pink sweat pants. Heels. Not just kitten heels. Four inch black heals. With pink sweat pants. Seriously, she hopped about the dance floor like a wild bunny on crack.

HOT pink go-go boots, on a 40 year old woman. With a jean skirt. And a tight HOT pink t-shirt. Frizzy hair. Can I call one of those make-over shows?

Leopard print dress, not so much. Black tights on a guy wearing shorts... Hmmmm, don't know how I feel on that one either. And one that Wings left off, the jean skirt combined with some funky knee high laced up shoe/boot oddity.

At one point, well, nix that.... all night long I was checking out guys, cuz that's what I do. Unabashedly. As usual, my big mouth gets me into slight trouble. Or better put, embarrassment. Like say, when I gush about how hott a particular guy is, only to have April point out that he has now stopped a foot or two away from me & is now listening, knowing I'm talking about him. Oooops, my bad. He eventually came over to our table to talk. I was stammerring for words. Don't know what the heck happened to Miss Thing 'cuz suddenly I was Miss I-only-speak-in-one-syllable-answers.

The highlight of my night though, watching the horror on Wings' face as I repeatedly asked her if she wanted to see my boobs bounce throughout the night. What can I say? They have a lot of bounce. Keeps me entertained! Well, drunk at least.

bacteria piss

From my dearest Wing Seeker:

"I have no need to appreciate your bodily functions, I just appreciate your intellect .... and your crass & wild humor."

followed by:

"I can't believe my best friend is a male with boobs."

I'm so loved :)~

We got up to leave & I grabbed her barely touched beer to chug it. She attempted to chastise me for chugging it, saying, "It's just a beer."

My reply, "Never leave a fallen beer behind." Which technically makes no sense, as the beer never fell. My point should have been, never leave a FULL beer behind.

Her witty come back, because I love her... "It's just bacteria piss."

**Mmmmmmm**

Drink on that! I know I did! :)~

gym shoes?

True story. Today, I lost my shoes while at the gym. I'm not talking like, I brought a pair of gym sneakers & then misplaced them. I'm talking about the one & only pair of shoes that I walked in wearing.

Only I can pull this off. Trust me. On a random thought, maybe this is what I get for not drinking for three whole days.

bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up) before I come undone
(Save me) save me from the nothing I’ve become
~ Evanessence ~ Bring Me to Life ~

When I was a child I used to think that I was merely dreaming, that one day I would really truly wake up & the nightmare that is/was my life would be over. Ironic that I bounce back and forth between longing to wake up from the nightmare & going to sleep to end the nightmare. The endlessness of life.

There have been so many moments that I thought I was close over the last few years. I have been reckless with life on purpose at times, daring fate to make me yet another number. Another story. Daring fate to bring a welcomed end. Yet never strong enough to make the stupid decision myself. Or never stupid enough to make the strong decision myself. Either way you will look at it, the end result would be the same. Every time I have fallen, tears flowing relentlessy, body & soul torn... every time though, there has been someone to pick me up, to bring me back to life. To shelter me from the storm. To rescue me from drowning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been shot at by a drunk maniac. I have been buried by loose corn in a hopper wagon. I have been thrown through the air towards metal fence posts that I thought I would surely be impaled upon. I have been followed late at night down dark streets. I have been held down & choked - I did not fight it, he could have won then. I have been run over by a hay wagon. I have been trampled by horses. I have been violated & have had taken what I was not willing to give. I have been in numerous wrecks, behind the wheel & not. I have been beaten & I have witnessed abuse. I have roused sleepily on the operating table to the doctor telling me something went wrong.

Still. I am here.
*sigh*
Always will be.

whispers

no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away
Whisper by Evanessence

My sister went in for surgery to remove the tumor from her brain. The Dr decided against the surgery last minute, saying the mass is too deep & in too dangerous of a position to operate on. Instead, he's draining he fluid periodically & she will have to go to regular check-ups to monitor the growth & damage.

I cannot form a solid thought lately. It's been one hell of a ride, from start to my current position, from one day to the next. Hardly able to blink at times. Nothing more than a jumbled mess. Chaos at it's prime.

~~~~~~~~~~

One night after work, visiting my sister, catching up with Wings & grabbing some dinner, 2 guys asked for directions to a particular strip club. I pointed 'em in the right direction & then gave 'em hell for not picking a better strip club. Long story short, I jumped from Wings' van into their Lexus and hung out at Shangri-La for the remainder of the night w/2 guys I had never met. The next day I got an email from a guy friend, who had apparently had seen me there but was too embarrassed at finding me in such an establishment that he couldn't even say hi to me. Yipes! It happens, pay attention!

~~~~~~~~~~

I have decided to put together a new tv show as the Habitat show has taken a stand still. I'm going to record music of local bands from various genres & walks of life, and put together their stories - hardships & triumphs.

~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a funny story (or not so much) about 'friends' and hypocrites. Last night was a good friend's going away party as she has joined the Air Guard. We have several mutual friends in our circle, who were all supposed to attend her last fling shindig. The first hour that they were late, they kept texting saying they would be on their way soon. Then, 12 hours later, after not showing up, not answering our calls or texts, we finally get word that everyone is fine ... they decided to stop at the strip bar & didn't want to leave. Our friend will be gone for approx 6 months, and our group of GIRLfriends couldn't leave a female strip club to attend a party they've known about for 2 months? Sadness is, these women have been friends for YEARS; I've only known any them since last Nov. To make it sweeter, these same women chastise one of our male co-workers for doing the same thing a month ago. Pot & kettle, ever heard of it?

~~~~~~~~~~

*sigh* life is ridiculous, but what can you do? Today I planted flowers with my sister. Raked twigs & branches from the yard. Walked 2 miles in the wonderful sunshine to get a bag of marshmallows to roast over the bonfire from burning the yard waste. Watched my oldest son repeatedly burn his 'mallows crisp & then try to pull the still flaming 'mallow off the stick to eat it. Watched movies with my kids. Fell asleep often :)

word to the wise

It's amazing how a truly relaxing, peaceful day can spiral so completely out of control just for answering one simple phone call; one phone call that leaves me staggering through reality, focused once again on each downfall in my life.

That you brushed my arm? That I let you down? That I became someone you thought I never would? Who do you think you are? Really? That you went to prison because you tried to have a life with me? Get over yourself. It was your drinking, your issues that landed you there, and it wasn't the first time so back off trying to make me take the blame for your inadequacies. You dare call me, because once again you're drunk & need someone to blame. Tear me down baby, you're so damn good at it. Next your gonna blame me for this new chick you've knock up? Tell me please, what role did I play in that? Do me just ONE favor in your life, fill your head with reality & not the bullshit you tend to wallow in. I'm over you.

stubborn

Less than 6 months ago my mom had major brain surgery to remove an apricot sized tumor from her brain. We found out about the monster and had 4 days to prepare for mom under going a two day surgery. She has recovered well & still annoys the piss out of the rest of the family.

Saturday morning my sister fell down the stairs in her house. Tragic at the time, but without it... I can't even speak of what might have happened in our future. The resulting MRI from her fall revealed a 1.8 cm mass at the base of her brain, blocking her spinal fluid from travelling to its destination. The fluid is backing up into her brain, causing swelling. The Dr wanted her admitted to the hospital immediately and have surgery in the morning. She refused & went home, with a stop at the bar on the way home. I am devastated. While I know it is HER choice, I can't help but become infuriated by her selfishness, because I know exactly why she made this choice.

Literally, she could take her last breath at any minute. And I am helpless. And hurting. And angry. And so many emotions that I can't even name; that I shouldn't have to name. I have no tears left.

replacements

Lessons I have learned from internet dating:

1. Just because he's got a PhD doesn't mean he retains any brain cell usage for respect. He will still try to drag you back to his lair and maul you.

2. Age is only a number. Literally. Some 35 year olds are still high school drama kings. Some 18 years olds have more respect for themselves & women than most 45 year olds.

3. Unless his mama is in some way handicapped or needs assistance, there really is no good reason for him to still be living with his parents. Or sneaking outside to smoke pot. When he's 35.

4. When a guy purposely flips open his phone to show you the pic of his last fiance, who is still the wallpaper on his phone, and then finish up with, "I haven't found anyone to replace her with" while looking at you..... just give up even trying to be friends at this point. Serious attachment issues.

5. Don't even attempt to meet the ones that freak out & send you 5 messages in one hour b/c OMG "I saw that you were online & you didn't message me yet, are you mad at me?" Seriously? May I breath w/out having to ask permission? And did you take estrogen pills this morning??

6. Kindly replying, "no thanks, I'm not interested in your offer to fuck like bunnies, but thank you so much for considering me as a prospect" will only get a reply of, "I was only joking. I felt sorry for you because you're only a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day. And you're overweight". The next day you will have 7-10 emails from same character professing his love for you & how he stayed up all night worried that he hurt your feelings.

7. Just because a guy can glance at one of your pictures & knows that the bicycle you're on is a Mongoose 700cc Paver... because he also has one... doesn't mean he's sat his lazy ass on it since the day he bought it.

8. Anyone who says "I just quit smoking" really means "I smoke, but I'm going to pretend that I don't because you don't" ... and sometimes will also try to cover it up with a stick of gum & hand moisturizer.

9. Don't mess with the "I'm going thru a divorce & it's mutual". Period.

10. After spending an entire evening together and being completely obnoxious b/c you really just don't like your date, you will still get a text message that says, "I know you were just being shy, but you really can come to my room at the Mariott". Riiiiiight. Hold your breath, I'll be there in, oh, never.

11. Very few guys can come up with anything to do besides feed you, buy you drinks, and try to grope you in a theatre. Now, painting pottery, that's actual hands on fun.

12. I'm considering creating a pre-date application/checklist. It's not cool to be riding passanger with a guy driving who casually states, "yeah, I get my license reinstated in June." Excuse me? You better be talking about a fishing license. Or the "I'm on anabuse for 4 more months. My 3rd DUI, but they're all bogus. The cops are out for me." *winner*

13. Anyone who refers to the harem of women in all of his pictures as his "trophies" - yeah, leave that alone too.

14. If the first question he asks you is your favorite color, and then tells you that you're acceptable because you speak the green code - take note of instability & priorities.

Now, isn't this FUN!?
Not so much.

take away

I'm re-using this post. I wrote it January 28, 2008 on another site. I re-read a few of my old posts this evening & this one struck me. I want to remember it. An ode to 4 of my best friends. Yes, I have four bestest friends:

The sum of life. Take away stories. What will you take away with you when life is over & you go, well, wherever it is that you go. Big or small, simply defining, euphemistic (<-- I may have just made that up, not sure : ) epiphanies that will carry on, possibly forever. Chicken soup, basically. But in real life. As I sat, listening to each take away story, I pondered my own story for the day. The obvious take away for me at that moment was just being there, no judgements, no opinions, just open people looking for the same. They don't know my life story, they don't have opinions on my endless stupidity. At the same time, they don't know the joy & meaning that my "ground zero" friends & family have brought into my life.

Back in September, one of my best friends got married. Funny story, as there is to all wedding days, but in essence a wholesomely wonderful day. My speech to her was about our friendship, and the friendship llama, and how it represented the silly, often over looked things in life that often become our defining moments. Our glory & time to shine, even if temporarily overlooked & unrecognized.

Years ago I shared a bottle of strawberry wine under an overpass in the park. It was, well, something of a "life lesson" so to speak, and yet today her & I can talk about that moment with laughter. The moments of pure rage when my one & only stuffed animal almost became decapitated. When I slam full force into reality & she is standing there beside me, helping me up and shaking her head in disbelief that I managed to do it AGAIN. And still, she is beside me, as I search for myself & she searches for her wings. ; )

High school basketball, our freshman year, class misfits, both from other schools yet we bonded together & pulled each other through four years of "hell school". Thousands of hours jogging through trails & trying to get her to curb her profanities when our principal is standing over her glaring. The chewed up licorice on her leg, just because it made her laugh & I have no problem doing whatever it takes when I'm on a "cheer-up" mission. The high school dances, running for the car after the worlds worst karaoke performance of Mariah's "butterfly." The track meets, the ball games, the concerts, the snowy days & the tears.

The other woman. The "past" that really isn't the past, but actually the present & in an ironic twist, forever the future. The harsh words & the two-way stalking in time became a bf4life. UPIC, forever & a day. That one person can bring you so much pain & yet sooth so many burning scars, that in itself is not only a miracle, but a terrific take away story. Tears shed together, lives opened up. Believe in reality, not stories or lies.

Endless take away stories. How do you meld them into unforgettable memories? How do you make sure they are not replaced to make room for the "new" take away stories? By recording them. Writing them. Sharing them. That is the essence of life: sharing. Complicated or not. What's life if not complicated?

So dive, head first, into the current regardless of sputtering. The take away stories will be your life jacket. The authors & characters of your stories will be there with you.
On the shore line waving to you.
On the rafts surrounding you.
On the raft with you.

thank you

The best word in the English language is officially "WOW" - or so says me. That's all I have left to say. Well, hahaha, I have a lot more to say than that, but we're good with WOW.

Just a simple wow. It can be said in front of anyone - young, old, and every various stage in between.

Just a simple wow. It can be used to cover every situation - good, bad, and every various stage in between.

Just a simple wow. It can be said at any time - when there are no words, too many words, and every various stage in between.

Just a simple wow. It can mean everything - anything, nothing, and every various stage in between.

It's my new motto. W.O.W.

Words.
Of.
Wisdom.

If only it were that simple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ode to the Drama King

Thank you,
For heading my warnings.
I knew who I was, then & now.

Thank you,
For lying to me everyday.
How did you know that was exactly what I needed?

Thank you,
For proving me right.
Every concern I had was true.

Thank you,
For my new friends.
Your generosity exceeds that of anyone else.

You are truly amazing.
W.O.W.