Saturday, February 7, 2009

contamination of the mind

There's something that I just can't explain... I thought the world had lost its sway (it's so hard sometimes). Then I fell in love with you (and then came you, and then came you) and you took that away (it's not so difficult; the world is not so difficult). You take away the old, show me the new and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you....
~ Blue October, Calling You ~

I don't understand the allure. The glittery goodness of it. Why would anyone want to alter their mind? To cover up life? It's still there. Waiting. Piling up. Wasting away the limited amount of minutes granted to you; shortening the life you could have.

Am I alone in wishing for more? And yet I am so very close to wanting the end. Maybe it is to that end that the fear builds ... feeds.

What is it about life that is so overwhelming? That creates the undeniable urge for you to hide, to blitz away the preciousness of reality?

Yes, Life is difficult. Painful. But also happy. Memorable. Why do you erase that?

The issue is the contamination. The damage. The reasoning behind willfully altering reality. The overwhelming desire to lose yourself. Covering up what is there does not make it disappear.

Why can't I be enough? Is it too far fetched to wish for the fairy tale? To just allow that magic to heal the wounds & bond two souls? Do I not deserve it? Then don't ever tell me I do. Meaningless words. I hear nothing.

I can see.


Sweet Guy ISO Myself said...

If you think walking away was easy then you didn't see me standing in the driveway for thirty minutes, crying in the hallway and wondering why my lips and hands were literally numb. Shock at losing who I love and the realization that I was wrong the entire time. That I was fucking it up, not you. That I was sabotaging it and that I was being a fucking dumbass about all of it. Telling myself that I was treating you the way you deserved but in truth, I was uncomfortable with the way he spoke to you, how he treated you and it was through my own immaturity and naivety that I spoke out like that. That I even made an issue about any of it was fucking stupid.
And now, you won't let me take it back. And NO. There's NOTHING similar between you and her. Not your personalities and DEFINITELY not how I feel about you. I love you. I DIDN'T love her. I didn't. I don't lose control of my emotions but I did last night. And then today...all fucking day today.
Please let me say I'm sorry. Please. I love you and I don't want to lose you.

findingmywingsinlife said...

"Why can't I be enough? Is it too far fetched to wish for the fairy tale? To just allow that magic to heal the wounds & bond two souls? Do I not deserve it?"

Woman, you have no idea how much I wish to find that very idea someday.. to be worth enough to someone else that I'm seen for everything I am and its ok. That I'm not too much for them,that they can handle this deep emotional and passionate soul that I keep hidden.
Guess for now, I'll have to keep on dreaming, because the reality of the choices I've made are no where near that concept. That's why bubble wrap is so neccessary, keeps me patched together so that I can keep on giving...even when it hurts.

CLAY said...

"The overwhelming desire to lose yourself."

I am familiar with this, but those cold streets and your hands will quickly remind you that you are alive. Wonderful post Triana.