Sunday, March 15, 2009

exquisite expectations

Just wash it down with alcohol.

Yes, Teays Vein, that is an splendid idea! I have been struggling with music lately; that it doesn't speak to me as it once did, as it should. Where did it go? Ah yes, I know. Abruptly taken from me ... because I shared it. But not this. Not standing two feet from the blaring speaker as Civilian Street, Teays Vein, Sirface, Clear Grey, & others pounded out the sweetest sounds my ears have taken the pleasure of absorbing in so very long. The beat. The lyrics. The lights. The drums, bass, guitar, vocals, keyboards at times. Everything to take my mind & soul to a new level, returning ME.

More importantly tonight, there was no alcohol. No liquid poison. Merely the remedy of a heart beat controlled ... replaced, even ... by the throbbing melodies funneled into my ears. So loud that it completely drowns out every unwanted thought and memory.

Between sets, April & I went to find the members of Clear Grey & adorn them with compliments of their extraordinary performance. We managed to find their gorgeous bass player, Emily Rogers, and purchased a cd from her. April found her first & had engaged in conversation while I checked out the crowd & bounced to the beat in my head, oblivious to life. When something in the conversation caught my attention, I abrubtly turned to listen. Seriously, this chick didn't even finish her sentence or take a breath, she look at me & exclaimed, "You have exquisite eyes!" Sweet!

"You can be messy & still be beautiful" - from my best friend.

During the evening April & I had many conversations, as usual. One conversation in particular has stuck with me today, and hopefully the rest of my life. Talking about relationships & their downfalls, our struggles, life's misery. She has made the comment on numerous occasions that she wants a partner in life with my qualities, a male me. Her comment last night... "you & I don't have the same views on everything, nor do we have the same things in common, but we agree to let each other just be who we are, no expectations..."

That line caught me. NO EXPECTATIONS.


Anonymous said...

Never--we cannot uphold our expectations; life has too many variables to it. I bet April and you had fun at the concert.

Triana said...

Clay, "Fun" doesn't really describe it. I have been moody, depressed & sad lately, as if one couldn't tell by my writings. I was sullen & silent at the show; closing my eyes & letting the music carry my soul away to a happier place. It wasn't "fun" - but it was somewhat healing for me. Momentarily, at least.

Anonymous said...

Well dear, take it from one who has enough scars to cover two men--pain is transient. Depression, woe, all of these things only last for as long as you allow them to. If you were to die in the next hour, would you waste it in sadness?

Triana said...

Clay, you are correct in saying that pain is transient, very true. Depression however, is not nearly as easy to shake. There are moments of joy & there are periods of blankness, where nothing makes sense and it seems futile to attempt to make sense of anything. It is mine to deal with ... & I will deal. I know that I do not struggle alone.

Triana said...

One more thought, if I knew before hand that I merely had one more hour to tread, hell no I wouldn't waste it in sadness! It is the likelihood & near guarantee that life will continue far beyond the next hour that entrances me in this sadness.

findingmywingsinlife said...

Triana dear,If you know without a doubt that life does continue on past the hour at hand, why then can you not see there is a brighter road ahead and that you will appreciate it all the more because of the pain of today?

Its just a food for thought question from me.

Aren O. Týr said...

"you & I don't have the same views on everything, nor do we have the same things in common, but we agree to let each other just be who we are, no expectations.."

Absolutely correct. And I struggle with the same thing myself. Anyone I've seemingly met recently doesn't want to just "give things a try".

Ironically, though, it isn't necessarily because of expectations they have of me. It is because of their expectations of themselves; they're not ready, or they're not in a good place, they don't want to hurt me, etc.

I understand and appreciate the genuineness and integrity of their motivation, but I just wish they'd realise they perhaps don't give enough credit for realising I'm happy with them just for being who they are, flaws and bad parts all intact, as that is what makes them human. It is what makes them real. Its frustrating, because I'd like to be their for them in the bad times just as much as the good, and I'm not put off just because a situation is difficult.

It is a dangerous slope to "wait for the perfect moment" for everything, because usually life doesn't neatly arrange everything so it all fits together perfectly. In fact, the moment might not ever arrive. Life is a constantly moving river, and sometimes you just have to jump on and go with the flow!

So, no expectations: just see.

In my view, a great philosophy, and ultimately the one that will yield success.

Triana said...

Wings, I merely stated that I was fairly sure life would continue past the hour at hand. Surely we both know that the light will not come in that hour... and that I do not see much past that. It is who I am. Here & now; not tomorrow. What is tomorrow anyway? A promise? No, it is merely a forward thought. And I am here. Now.

This most assuredly needs it's own post! But I will attempt to shorten it for now. I disagree. It is not your choice, completely, to engage in a relationship that you do not know all the in's & out's of. There are so many aspects that go unconsidered; far too many to attempt to list.

"flaws and bad parts all intact, as that is what makes them human. It is what makes them real" - when you get left behind for these reason, it sticks. Forever. I can be as real as possible, telling this ALL up front. Yet in the end, it is all the same. Forgotten.

One time, chance. Twice, circumstantial. Every time, reality.

A river? Have you been reading my mind? Or just my posts from years ago? Surely not, because those posts are not even on this site. Wingseeker, you remember the river post?? Surely you do. We have talked about it often. Irony. And oceans. AND NO COMMENT! I can hear it already in my head!

No expectations. NO EXPECTATIONS! You're killing me! You cannot use my own words against me, even in such a manner ;)

Success? Probably not my friend. I will not hold my breath. For too long, anyway.